The Amazing Race 5 - Episode 3 Summary

'Don't Cry For Me, Argentina, The Truth Is I Never Left You' By dajaki

Previously on The Amazing Race: Ten teams of Americans involved in a variety of slightly dysfunctional relationships set out from Punta Vallena, Uruguay and traveled to San Antonio, Argentina.

Along the way, the twenty contestants pronounced Montevideo in every possible way except the correct one, got fondled by drunken soapy Uruguayans, took a ferry (Donny translation: boat) to Buenos Aires, visited the grave of a charmingly fascist First Lady later played on stage and screen by Patti LuPone and Madonna respectively, walked a passel of pooches or hunted down hot tango guys and stalked formally clad bovines.

In the end, one of America’s most reviled couples was eliminated (and I don’t mean Mary Matalin and James Carville because each person in that couple can only claim to be disliked by ½ of the country).

Now, after a mandatory 12-hour break which featured eating and sleeping (so thrilling! Really, I wish they would show more clips of that!), the nine teams that are left to carry on the Ugly American International Tour are ready to set out. Our teams are . . .

1. Brandon and Nicole (Team Puff ‘n Stuff- you know she’ll be posing soon - leaving the Pit Stop at 11:50 p.m.) – One is dim-witted and the other is dim-witted and condescending.

2. Charla and Mirna (Team Banshee leaving the Pit Stop at 11:51 p.m.) – One bears a striking resemblance to Evita Peron and the other bears heavy burdens surprisingly well.

3. Jim and Marsha (Team Clueless leaving the Pit Stop at 12:21 a.m.) – One fails to plan and the other fails to plant his feet properly when running.

4. Linda and Karen (Team Pinhead leaving the Pit Stop at 12:28 a.m.) – One is boisterously annoying and the other is annoyingly boisterous.

5. Bob and Joyce (Team AARP leaving the Pit Stop at 12:31 a.m.) – One has guns and the other gums his food.

6. Colin and Christie (Team Intensity leaving the Pit Stop at 12:32 a.m.) – One is a featherbrain and the other has feathered hair.

7. Marshall and Lance (Team FatBoyz leaving the Pit Stop at 12:41 a.m.) – One is a chubby pig and the other is a chubby pig with glasses.

8. Chip and Kim (Team TwinBuster leaving the Pit Stop at 1:08 a.m.) – One wears a bandana for a fashion statement and the other wears a bandana to cover a bald dome.

9. Kami and Karli (Team Blondie leaving the Pit Stop at 1:13 a.m.) – These two are interchangeable in every way, including their names. And while I’m at it and have a bully pulpit, why do some people insist on giving their twins similar names? I kid you not; my pregnant friend is going to name her twins McKenna Renee and McKayla Regan. This is just cruel.

As the teams leave the Pit Stop, a gen-u-ine Argentinean ranch called La Portaña, they receive the instruction to make their way to San Carlos de Bariloche in Patagonia (Check out the cheap land in Patagonia at world-homes.net. Your employer will be glad that you have another website to occupy your time). Drives to airports are never terribly exciting, so I’ll just list the highlights.

 Highlight 1: Puff, giving a hint that his hair is actually growing into his brain, tells Stuff to stop the car when she’s in a muddy quagmire. Of course, the car is now stuck and requires the assistance of a conveniently placed tractor to tow it out. This is the 3rd piece of evidence that Bruckheimer is controlling the race (remember Team Banshee making the ferry that they were late for and Team Clueless catching their 4:00 flight despite having just over an hour to get to an emergency clinic for 25 stitches).

 Highlight 2: Charla pretends to be an airplane in an effort to get directions from uncomprehending locals.

 Highlight 3: We learn that Linda and I have something in common; both of our middle names are MarioAndretti.

 Highlight 4: Team AARP reveals that they don’t think you need to be physically fit to win the race despite the fact that all previous race winners are.

 Highlight 5: Team FatBoyz proves that two fat Jewish guys can change a tire.

 Highlight 6: Chip reveals his own name for Team Blondie – The Bad Seeds.

As in all episodes, the airport equalizer is in effect. Every team has several hours to jockey for position with ticket agents in order to get on the first available flight to Patagonia. This part of the episode gets a little confusing as teams purchase tickets for one available flight and try to get on stand-by for other flights. In the meantime, feelings are hurt as Team Puff ‘n Stuff “betrays” Team Banshee, Team Banshee ticks off Team FatBoyz, and Team Clueless looks out for everyone but themselves and may have to resort to planes, trains and automobiles to get to Patagonia.

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