The Rebel Billionaire - Episode 4 Summary

'Lions and Tigers and Bears! Now Die!' By Swami

I know how to be a billionaire. You have to drink lots of champagne. I swear, every episode of this show begins and ends with a bottle of bubbly. So here we are in a Virgin Airlines Jet, holding glasses full of tiny bubbles and waiting for Sir Richard Branson to tell us where to go.

“We’re going to the most beautiful game reserve in the world!” Branson says, “It's called Ulusaba, and I own the whole thing!”

“The animals all run free,” Gabe reports, “and the people ride around in open cars. It’s kinda like Jurassic Park.” I think ’Hooray!! Maybe that nasty lawyer Nichole will get eaten while she’s in the can!’ I turn the TV volume up and lean close as the Virgin jet zooms down to South Africa and Branson’s very own hilltop resort, Ulusaba.

Ulusaba’s mission, according to Branson, is to increase the amount of wild game in Africa and work to improve the local community. The GLCs (Good Looking Contestants) will soon be competing to win Branson’s favor—but first we have a special treat. Branson is taking 2 GLCs to meet Nelson Mandela. The actual, real, Nobel Peace Prize winning, international legend and former President of South Africa—Nelson Mandela! Why he is whoring himself by appearing on this show I have no idea, but I suspect large amounts of money are involved.

ADVERTISEMENT

Anyway, Jermaine is all thrilled to meet one of his heroes. Sara gives Branson a big hug for selecting her to be the other lucky duck who got to meet Mandela.

The next morning, Sir Richard dumps the dummies in Dumfries, a poor village just outside of Ulusaba. The town people need help desperately and Sir Rich divides his dummies, I mean his GLCs, (oh heck let’s call them dummies because I like that better) into two teams. Each team has to come up with an innovative plan to help the village. Branson says that Virgin United will donate $20,000 to implement the winning plan.

Then he does that same old, lame old thing of dividing them into a boy team and a girl team. Does this guy have no imagination? I am sick of the whole boy-team vs. girl-team thing!

The boys pick Michael to be their leader. The guys all high-five each other, then start talking to the Town Elders to try and figure out a strategy. They learn the town needs water access badly. They run around hauling little carts of water, and pulling water from a primitive well as they try to find an angle.

The girls let Heather volunteer to lead them. Heather writes stuff down as the girls all spit out a bunch of random ideas. They decide the village needs water, yes, but also jobs and income from “the greater world”.

Then because they’ve had a hard morning thinking and stuff, the boys and girls all head back to Ulusaba for lunch and the most useless segment on a possible flirtation ever shown in Reality TV History. Steve has a crush on Jessica. Maybe. Probably. Who knows? Who cares? I mean—if they “do it,” then show us the tapes in night-vision and slo-mo. Otherwise forget it!

Sir Richard tells the two teams they can either stay at the Lodge to work on their presentations or they can return to the village and work on them there. The boys all elect to return to Dumfries. Heather says that the girls will stay at the Lodge where they can access the internet and take hot showers. So shortly after the boys head back three of the girls—Erica, Candida and Nichole—take off after them, evidently without even asking for permission from mother Heather! It looks like the Hong Kong fiasco all over again.

Back at Dumfries, they eat some traditional foods then have a party. It turns out that a village woman has just completed her Herbalist training and is being inducted as a Witch Doctor. I bristle at the anachronistic and paternalistic term “Witch Doctor”, but I guess a Dancing Witch Doctor is a better ratings spectacle than a Dancing Herbalist. The party lasts until about 3 a.m., leaving very little time for actual plan implementation stuff.

The next morning, all the dummies gather for breakfast at Ulusaba. At some point it appears that all the women leave with Heather to go work on their presentation. As soon as they are out the door the guys begin mocking them like a bunch of Junior High Jerk-offs. “They’re so disorganized” “They’re feuding” “They just can’t get along.” “They’ve formed cliques based on hair color!" "The blondes vs. the brunettes!” And on and on they guys rant, never noticing that little ol’ Nichole has never left the room!

Nichole is sitting on the floor, kind of behind a sofa, writing when the bitch session begins. As the boys rant on and on she holds up little hand scrawled signs for the camera. "I really love how the boys don’t even know I’m here " and "Steve is lame". It’s a really funny segment! Eventually Jermaine spots her and the guys’ gig is up. Nichole stretches to her full height, saunters over and leans on the table. “FYI,” she says, “We are going to win because we care.” (Or something like that—I can’t exactly remember. Her facial expression however? Definitely said ‘fvck you.’)

Nikki reports the boys’ bitch session to the other women and they all resolve to really kick ass in their presentation.

Page Index: 1 2

Continue Reading >>>