Allison Holker has revealed that she made a startling discovery about her late husband, Stephen "tWitch" Boss, right before his funeral.

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TWitch, who had served as a So You Think You Can Dance judge during Season 15 and Season 17, tragically died by suicide in December 2022 when he was 40-years-old.

Allison told People that weeks after twitch's death, she found a "cornucopia" of drugs -- including mushrooms, pills and "other substances" she had to look up on her phone -- hidden inside his shoeboxes.

"I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral," the So You Think You Can Dance judge, 36, recalled.

"It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed. It was very alarming to me to learn that there was so much happening that I had no clue [about]."

Allison admitted it was "a really scary moment" in her life to learn about tWitch's secret addiction.

"But it also helped me process that he was going through so much and he was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that," Allison shared.

Allison said she was aware of tWitch's smoking and drinking habits during their nine-year marriage because they had "very honest" communication.

After putting their two children -- Weslie, 16, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 5 -- to bed at night, Allison said tWitch smoke or drank in their guesthouse.

"That was his alone time. It was his time to recharge, and that was okay," Allison explained.

But uncovering the hard drugs in her bedroom apparently shocked the former Dancing with the Stars pro.

"He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn't want to put it on anyone because he loved everyone so much," Allison shared of tWitch, who alluded in his journal he'd been sexually abused by a male figure during his childhood.

"He didn't want other people to take on his pain," she added.

Allison said while she felt a sense of betrayal when discovering these truths, they also gave her some clarity into the state of tWitch's mental health prior to his death.

"Reading Stephen's journals, and even going back into the books he had read and the things that he was highlighting and lining, really gave me a better perspective of where he was in life and the type of things he was struggling with," Allison noted.

"It did have me feel a lot of empathy towards him and sadness for all the pain that he was holding."

Allison -- who describes her healing journey in her new memoir titled This Far, which hits shelves February 4 -- said she's being open with fans about tWitch's demons in an effort to help at least one person battling similar dark thoughts and feelings.

"It was really hard to put all the pieces together. Through certain discussions, even with friends and things that have been said, reading through his journals... you realize he went through a lot as a child and never faced it," Allison said.

"It's hard to think that he never opened up to someone and wanted to face it, to get through on the other side. I really hope people dealing with the same thing will help themselves out of the shadows and [know] you're going to be okay."

During the height of tWitch's struggle, Allison recalled how the late deejay was acting withdrawn. Not only did tWitch shower less frequently, but he also allegedly began smoking morning and night.

TWitch allegedly told his wife at the time that he was in a funk.

"[He was] very careful about this wording," Allison shared.

At the time, tWitch was ending his run as a judge on So You Think You Can Dance, and he was closing out eight years on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

But Allison insisted she and her late husband were "getting ready for this big year."

Allison said, "It seemed like, 'Oh, he's taking a resting period,' which he would say he's never had."

Allison suggested that tWitch had two sides of his personality -- tWitch and Stephen -- and that those "two very different" personas were "battling" each other.

"What if he felt safe being this one individual that has different kind of energies," Allison pondered in her interview with People.

"You don't have to be a completely different person and put them aside from each other."

According to the pro dancer, tWitch was an extroverted public figure known for his incredible dance moves, while Stephen was an introverted man who set his sights on being the "perfect" husband and dad.

"When I would think about my husband at the time, I would think, 'Oh, I love that tWitch is such a great performer, but then when he comes home he feels safe enough to be Stephen,'" Allison explained.

"I was with him for so long, and that's how he's been the entire relationship. I was like, 'It's a beautiful thing that he can be both.'"

TWitch was found dead on December 13 in a Los Angeles motel, the Oak Tree Inn in Encino, CA -- which was less than one mile from his house -- from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

The morning before tWitch went missing, he dropped Weslie off at school.

Weslie was therefore the last person in their family to see tWitch alive, and Allison recalled how his final words to his daughter were, "I wish I could be your Superman."

"Having someone say last words to you that you didn't really process at the time as being anything wrong... that's really hard, especially as a teenager," Allison said.

"She handles it with far more grace than she should have to. We took the steps to really help her and communicate with her and make her feel seen and heard."

Allison added of Weslie, who continues to attend the same school, "I think she also sees those words as something beautiful, and also ugly. It's a battle that she's going to always have with herself, but I know she can see it from both sides."

Allison pointed out how it's okay to feel mixed emotions when losing a loved one so tragically.

"I've been so fortunate to have resources that have helped me that I've now teamed up with," Allison said, referring to organizations like the National Alliance of Mental Illness and Maple Counseling.

"I've learned there's so many other resources that a lot of people don't know about. I've had so many people reach out to me needing to talk, and if I've learned anything, I've learned that mental health can impact anyone at any time of their life."

Allison said it's "important" to be "an open vessel" for loved ones going through a difficult time.

"Listen and allow them the space to be who they are at that moment and not make them feel like it's wrong," Allison concluded.

"People that have a lot of light, they still have gone through a lot of dark. And that's okay because you can't have one without the other."

TWitch and Allison had met when they were both contestants on Season 7 of So You Think You Can Dance in 2010, and then they got engaged in June 2013.

Allison and tWitch got married at SYTYCD creator and former judge Nigel Lythgoe's vineyard and winery in Paso Robles, CA, in December 2013.

Maddox was then born in March 2016, and Allison later gave birth to Zaia in November 2019.

TWitch rose to fame as a contestant Season 4 of So You Think You Can Dance in 2008, when he finished as the runner-up.

Allison and tWitch were also All-Star dancers on Season 7 of So You Think You Can Dance in 2010, when the pair connected romantically.

TWitch returned to So You Think You Can Dance as a member of its judging panel for Season 15, which aired on Fox in 2018, and then again for Season 17, which aired in Summer 2022.

TWitch was also a semifinalist on MTV's The Wade Robson Project in 2003 as well as the runner-up on Star Search.

For her part, Allison competed as a pro partner on Seasons 19, 20, 21, and 23 of Dancing with the Stars. The highest she ever placed was second with Riker Lynch on Season 20.
About The Author: Elizabeth Kwiatkowski

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