Allison Holker has revealed "the hardest part" of her late husband Stephen "tWitch" Boss taking his own life and whether she feels angry at him.
ADVERTISEMENT
Conducting her first television interview since tWitch's tragic death by suicide in December 2022, the Dancing with the Stars and So You Think You Can Dance alum recently sat down with TODAY's Hoda Kotb and opened up about how she and her three children -- son Maddox, 7, and daughters Weslie, 14, and Zaia, 3 -- have been coping.
Allison revealed she's "still shocked" by what happened and "there's no one that saw this coming," which is heartbreaking for her.
But Allison apparently tries not to hold any resentment or anger towards tWitch, whom she met in 2010 and married in 2013, for his death.
"I don't allow myself to be in a place of anger or sadness, though I allow myself to feel it," Allison explained. "If I'm feeling this much pain, it's because I had so much love."
ADVERTISEMENT
Allison gushed about how the love she shared with tWitch was "magical" and "so real."
"I think that's the hardest part about of all of this. The way we loved was so big, and I got 13 years with one of the most magical humans," Allison said, trying to choke back her tears.
"And I learned so much about love and gratitude. I talk to him every night. And it's different every day. Sometimes it's like, 'I took the kids to school,' and other times it's a little bit deeper or a little more heavy."
Allison revealed she also asks tWitch questions when she speaks to him in private.
"Maybe one day there will be this a-ha of answers," Allison said.
ADVERTISEMENT
Allison acknowledged there's a stigma around people committing suicide, but she pointed out how no one knows what those people were thinking and feeling.
"I didn't know what was going on in his mind," Allison pointed out of tWitch.
"It's interesting, the word 'widow' is hard, and it's never easy when you hear it. The first time I ever heard it was really hard. I was like, 'Me?'"
Allison and her family are now trying to honor tWitch's legacy through dance, a fashion campaign with Gap, and by bringing awareness to mental-health issues.
"[We're] opening up the conversations to hopefully help people feel comfortable asking for that help. I really do want to make an impact on behalf of someone I love so much," Allison shared.
ADVERTISEMENT
And she's been finding comfort in the outpouring of love from family and friends, including former talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, who has been "a huge support system" for her. (TWitch worked as the DJ on The Ellen DeGeneres show for years prior to his passing).
"We talk about the fun memories we have of him, and we get to live in those great memories that we have," Allison said.
She concluded, "I do feel like he's with me. We know he's guiding us through every single day."
TWitch was found dead at age 40 on December 13 in a Los Angeles motel, the Oak Tree Inn in Encino, CA -- which was less than one mile from his house -- from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.
According to the Los Angeles County Medical Examiner, tWitch died by suicide and there were "no signs of foul play," Us Weekly reported at the time.
ADVERTISEMENT
Allison and tWitch had celebrated their ninth wedding anniversary just a few days before tWitch took his own life, and Allison always gushed about how tWitch was a great father and spouse.
In early March, Allison praised her kids for being so strong after losing their beloved father.
"My loves we are stronger than you could ever imagine. And we will stand strong together as a unit, and find the courage to hold each other up. I will be here for you every step of the way through the highs and lows, the ups and the downs," Allison captioned a family photo on Instagram.
"I will protect and I will guide, I will be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, I will have mom jokes ready for when you need a good laugh. The love and light inside our hearts will still shine. I love you forever and always. Mommy."
And not long after tWitch's passing, Allison penned a sweet message to her longtime love in early January on Instagram.
"To my husband, best friend, babe, Chee-chalker, Superman and father of my children I LOVE YOU FOREVER and ALWAYS!" Allison wrote at the time, sharing a slideshow of pictures from the couple's 2013 engagement and wedding.
"We will forever remember you as the true beacon of light that you were and we will continue to cast your light and love throughout the world. Thank you for our incredible memories and our beautiful life shared together."
When tWitch's tragic passing first made headlines, Allison confirmed his death in a statement without revealing any details.
"It is with the heaviest of hearts that I have to share my husband Stephen has left us," Allison said late last year.
"Stephen lit up every room he stepped into. He valued family, friends and community above all else and leading with love and light was everything to him. He was the backbone of our family, the best husband and father, and an inspiration to his fans."
She continued, "To say he left a legacy would be an understatement, and his positive impact will continue to be felt. I am certain there won't be a day that goes by that we won't honor his memory."
ADVERTISEMENT
"We ask for privacy during this difficult time for myself and especially for our three children. Stephen, we love you, we miss you, and I will always save the last dance for you," she concluded.
Allison and tWitch got engaged in June 2013.
Married by So You Think You Can Dance co-executive producer Jeff Thacker, Allison and tWitch exchanged vows at SYTYCD creator and former judge Nigel Lythgoe's vineyard and winery in Paso Robles, CA, in December 2013.
Maddox was then born in March 2016, and Allison later gave birth to Zaia in November 2019.
Allison welcomed Weslie from a previous relationship, but tWitch adopted her as his daughter.
TWitch rose to fame as a contestant Season 4 of So You Think You Can Dance in 2008, when he finished as the runner-up.
Allison and tWitch were also All-Star dancers on Season 7 of So You Think You Can Dance in 2010, when the pair connected romantically.
TWitch returned to So You Think You Can Dance as a member of its judging panel for Season 15, which aired on Fox in 2018, and then again for Season 17, which aired in Summer 2022.
TWitch was also a semifinalist on MTV's The Wade Robson Project in 2003 as well as the runner-up on Star Search.
For her part, Allison competed as a pro partner on Seasons 19, 20, 21, and 23 of Dancing with the Stars. The highest she ever placed was second with Riker Lynch on Season 20.