Bachelor in Paradise bachelorette Eliza Isichei has explained why she had given Rodney Mathews her rose over Justin Glaze when she later realized her heart really belonged to Justin.
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On Bachelor in Paradise's eighth season, Eliza was in a love triangle between Rodney, with whom she had connected during "The Split" twist, and Justin, an "OG" bachelor who had previously been eliminated from the show but returned to the beach solely with the intention of pursuing Eliza and no one else.
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The men fought to win Eliza over for days, and in the end, she gave Rodney her rose at the fourth Rose Ceremony of the season, which resulted in Justin going home.
"The Rose Ceremony and I think the two days leading up to it were the absolute worst," Eliza admitted during a recent appearance of the "Click Bait with Bachelor Nation" podcast co-hosted by Joe Amabile, Natasha Parker, and Tia Booth.
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"I was going through it. I was so distraught and it got to the point where I was just telling the girls and I was telling producers, like, 'I can't do this and I'd rather just, you know, take the L and just leave.' Because it was killing me."
Eliza reiterated how the decision between Rodney and Justin was just "killing" her.
"I didn't know [what to do], and there was so much pressure. So I was like, 'Either way, at the end of this, I'm going to hurt somebody.' And that is just, to my core, I was like, 'I can't do it,'" Eliza recalled. "I can't do it."
Eliza said the fact Rodney and Justin are great men and were both loved by their fellow cast members -- although clearly not equally since Rodney seemed to receive more respect and support -- "made it so much harder" to choose one over the other.
"And so, we get up to the Rose Ceremony night and I'm [shaking]," Eliza admitted.
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"I feel like I held up the whole ceremony for like an hour because I was just in the background crying."
Eliza said once the Rose Ceremony commenced, she was still unsure of which relationship she should progress.
"So we get to the Rose Ceremony, and up until the very last minute, I just still didn't know what's going to come out of my mouth," Eliza noted.
Eliza explained that Rodney ultimately received her rose because she was following her head and not her heart.
"From the beginning, I did want it to be him," Eliza said of Rodney.
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"In the back of my mind, I was thinking I did want to be Rodney. I spent more time with him and I almost felt a sense of loyalty to him."
Eliza added, "And it's not like our relationship was bad! We were having an amazing time, and I think even before then, we still had a really good conversation."
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But Eliza explained how Rodney's carefree reaction to her potentially dating someone new in Paradise and then her actual awesome date with Justin definitely set her romance with Rodney back.
After all, Eliza had wanted Rodney to fight for her and ask -- or even demand -- for her not to go on a date with Justin because of what they had already developed with each other.
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"But in the end, I still wanted it to be [Rodney]. So I think that's why I got up there and said his name," Eliza shared.
Eliza also confirmed she "still cared" for Rodney at that point and "so many people" had been telling her that Rodney was the right choice and the right person for her.
Victoria Fuller, for example, thought there was "no comparison" between Rodney and Justin, and so she hoped Eliza wouldn't "f-ck this up."
Genevieve Parisi, Serene Russell, and Kate Gallivan all gushed about how Rodney is sweet, sincere, and has a heart of gold.
And Brandon Jones told the cameras how Eliza wasn't Justin's first pick but she was truly Rodney's first choice above all other women. (Rodney dumped Lace Morris for Eliza after "The Split." Justin, on the other hand, had dated multiple women in Paradise at the start of the season, and so he didn't join the show with his heart set on Eliza).
"I was just like, 'You guys, okay, I'm taking all this [in] and trying to process it,' but also, this is happening within the span of a couple hours," Eliza explained.
"You don't really have time in Paradise to process your feelings and figure out what you really want because everything is happening in one second to the next."
Eliza apparently wishes she could have spent more time with both guys before having to choose between them.
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Given Eliza had felt so torn between Rodney and Justin and seemingly cried in bed for hours after Justin left Mexico, Natasha asked Eliza if the same thing would have happened had she eliminated Rodney and given Justin the rose.
"I think that's a good point. I think that honestly is a good point of how I was feeling, because I feel like either way, I was going to go back and forth," Eliza explained.
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"Because I just feel like I didn't have enough time to figure out what I really wanted. I felt like if it would've been either way, I would've been like, 'Oh my gosh, did I make the wrong decision?! Did I make the wrong choice?'"
Eliza said she was just choosing things because of pressure.
"I had no time to figure out how I was feeling... I don't think I spent a full two weeks at that beach," Eliza concluded.
When Eliza walked Justin out of Paradise, they both embraced and cried. Neither of them wanted to say goodbye, but Justin departed the show with kindness, understanding and grace.
Eliza told Rodney the next day that she had given him the rose because it "felt like the right thing to do."
Since Rodney could tell Eliza preferred Justin, the pair broke up and Justin said he felt devastated and embarrassed.
Eliza then flew to Baltimore, MD, with the hope Justin would give her another chance.
The latest Bachelor in Paradise episode ended with a cliffhanger in which Eliza was shown knocking on Justin's door and the bachelor answered with a shocked expression on his face.
"What?!" Justin said.
Based on a preview that aired on ABC of what's to come, Eliza tells Justin that she finally went after what she wants -- and it's him.
"I'm just, like, really confused," Justin admits in the preview.
Rodney said in a statement last week that he "never [wants] to let anything or anybody take the life out of me or deplete my energy" again.
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Click here to read spoilers on Eliza and Justin's current relationship status as well as what's going to happen next between them on the show.
RELATED LINK: 'THE BACHELOR' FRANCHISE COUPLES NOW: WHO IS STILL TOGETHER?? (PHOTOS)
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