Kristian Nairn says the heartbreaking Game of Thrones Season 6 scene in which his beloved character Hodor dies while heroically saving the life of disabled young nobleman Bran Stark (Isaac Hempstead Wright) was as traumatic to film as it was to watch.
"In the most Game of Thrones, Orwellian twist ever, they killed me on my 40th birthday. That was intense," the 48-year-old Northern Irish actor told UPI in a phone interview ahead of the publication of his memoir, Beyond the Throne, this week.
"Part of me was looking forward to leaving, honestly, because it have been six years and, as much as I loved the people, this was my new career and I was looking forward to doing something different. That's the only reason," Nairn said.
"But, as the day came closer and closer, I dreaded more and more that I'd be leaving the people I really loved and think of as family."
The actor, who is also an accomplished DJ and drag queen, played Hodor on the HBO adaptation of George R.R. Martin's bestselling books from 2011-2016.
"I've been a fantasy nerd for practically my whole life," Nairn said when asked what starring in the show has meant to him.
"My mum has been a big reader and avid fantasy fan for years. It was just a privilege to be a part of that [world]. I had no idea what Game of Thrones was until my mother told me what it was after I did the audition," he added. "It changed my life from A to Z. I wouldn't be sitting in a hotel in San Diego doing an interview, I'm pretty sure."
The actor was surprised at how much fan love there was for his character.
Hodor was a burly man who suffered a brain injury in his youth that left him only able to say one word "Hodor," the meaning of which remained a mystery to viewers until the last moments of the life he lost saving Bran, a boy who couldn't walk and who he physically carried for years.
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"The showrunners believed he was going to be one of the characters people really latched onto and liked," Nairn said about Hodor. "I was like, 'Really? He's kind of a glorified wheelbarrow!"
The more Nairn channeled Hodor's courage and loyalty, the more viewers seemed to fall in love with him.
"I hope I brought people along on a little bit of a journey," he said.
"I tried to leave a bit of space in [the character] for people to put themselves in there and see how they would feel in that situation. He was always so nice and so obliging. Can you imagine yourself doing that for someone and still having to sleep with the dogs? It's Cinderella syndrome."
Nairn still remembers -- but not fondly -- the furry cloak and cape ensemble he wore as Hodor for all of those years.
"I hated the costume," he said, calling it "sweaty and heavy and smelly."
"When it was taken off the last time, it was like removing a thorn from my leg," Nairn said, swearing it had no sentimental value to him and he didn't take it home after he was done filming because he didn't want to put it in his washing machine.
Nairn still sees his Game of Thrones family at fan conventions and noted he and Martin are often the "grumpy, white-haired men who gravitate towards each other to events."
"He's just the most wonderful person. He's sarcastic. He's funny. He's witty. He's just the kind of guy who will kill you off in a book and leave you for dead," Nairn laughed.
And, for those wondering, yes, Nairn is watching the Game of Thrones prequel, which wrapped up its second season this summer.
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"It's really good. I think it's a worthy successor. I think it has the vibe of Game of Thrones with that extra smattering of dragons, which I've enjoyed," Nairn said.
The actor is also known for playing pirate Wee John Feeney in filmmaker Taika Waititi's high-seas comedy, Our Flag Means Death.
The actor said the hearts of everyone involved with the show were broken when HBO recently canceled it after two seasons, but the OFMD family and fandom remain tight-knit.
"I feel like the Revenge [pirate ship crew] is lost at sea. I just hope we come back to port some day," Nairn added.
"I would almost like to see us -- the same crew and the same people and the same dynamic -- but in a really weird, different situation, like on the bridge of a star-ship or in an office or a grocery story or a Best Buy, something like that. I think we were cast for who we really are, rather than who they wanted [the characters] to be."
Speaking of both shows' fandoms, Nairn said he never gets tired of being treated like a rock star by people who sincerely love his work.
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The only downside, he quipped, is that his face gets sore after smiling for 12 hours or so when he attends fan conventions.
"You hear some beautiful, wonderful stories. You never get sick of that," he said of his interactions with fans.
"I see some grumpy [actor] faces sometimes -- not in my group -- but I'm like, 'Hey, people have paid money to be here, they're celebrating your career, smile!'"
Nairn admitted it was "impossible" to cover everything about this wild ride that he wanted to in his memoir.
"I've always loved to write," he said.
"I learned more about structuring. I put the book together in a certain way that certain stories of my life will lead into stories about Game of Thrones and stories about Game of Thrones will, hopefully, lead into stories about my music and drag. I put it together that way. It was a learning process and I think I pulled it off."
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Finding his voice as an author wasn't a problem.
"I have a little motto: I only act when I am getting paid on camera. I'm 48. I've traveled the world 10 times," Nairn said.
"It's a waste of time to be anything other than yourself," he explained, acknowledging this lesson took him a long time to learn himself.
"Nothing anyone else says or tries to make you or you try to make yourself is going to work. You will have a life of misery. Just be yourself. It's very easy and difficult at the same time. That was the important part of the book to me."