Lamar Odom says his son's death was a tipping point in his drug use.
The 37-year-old former NBA player recalled son Jayden's death in an essay for The Players' Tribune while confessing how his cocaine addiction made him a "scumbag," including to former wife Khloe Kardashian.
"About two years [after I started doing coke], I got a phone call that changed my life. It was the summer of 2006. I had been out partying all night, and I hadn't gone home," Odom recalled.
"My son Jayden was six months old at the time. He was at home in his crib," he added. "I should've been at home with him. But I was out, doing whatever."
Odom said he received a panicked call from Jayden's mother, Liza Morales, who was rushing their unresponsive son to the hospital. Doctors later told the pair Jayden had died of sudden infant death syndrome.
"I used to think about what he would look like if he was still here. Actually, I still think about it almost every day," the star shared.
"No answers. Just ... gone. Like that. And you're supposed to just accept it. You're supposed to live with that."
"I think everything picked up at that point, with the drugs. Even subconsciously," he said. "You don't even know why you're doing it at that point. I think subconsciously, you make yourself an addict because of the trauma you're going through."
Odom, who married Kardashian in 2009, said he fell into a "cycle" of cocaine use, cheating and other destructive behavior.
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He finally got sober following his highly-publicized hospitalization in October 2015.
"I'm sober now. But it's an everyday struggle. I have an addiction. I'll always have an addiction. It never goes away. I mean, I want to get high right now. But I know that I can't if I want to be here for my children," he said of Lamar Jr. and Destiny, his son and daughter with Morales.
Odom previously confessed in an interview with Us Weekly to cheating on Kardashian with "multiple women."
The "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" star supported Odom throughout his hospitalization and recovery, but finalized her divorce from the star in December.