The Bachelor star Ben Higgins says dumping Joelle "JoJo" Fletcher was probably the most painful moment of his life.

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During Higgins' final one-on-one date with Fletcher in Jamaica, the bachelorette was desperate for answers before throwing herself into the Final Rose Ceremony without confidence.

"[JoJo] was instantly worried that something she had cared so much about might be taken away without her having any say. And if you guys didn't know already, JoJo is a worrier. Everything I said or in every kiss I could see her searching my face for some sort of sign or reassurance that it was all going to be okay. But I couldn't give her that," Higgins wrote in his People blog following the finale Monday night.

"That night on the floor in the bathroom of her suite might have been the most I have ever cried in my life. I wanted so badly to make her feel better and to stop her tears and just enjoy the rest of the night but I couldn't. And when she asked me if I loved [Lauren Bushnell] too, I couldn't lie to her."

Higgins had promised Fletcher he would always be honest with her, so as hard as it was for the Bachelor to come clean about his feelings for both women, he did.

"I had to. I could see that it crushed her. And that, in turn, crushed me. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. The woman who had stood by my side every step of the way. But I couldn't keep my promise to her and always tell her the truth without hurting her in this moment," Higgins said.

"Part of me hoped that I would be able to erase all that pain in a day when I was on one knee, but at that point, hard as it may be to believe, I still didn't know what I was going to do."

Even when Higgins sat down with Neil Lane to pick out an engagement ring, he was still "torn" and didn't know whether Fletcher or Bushnell was going to be his fiancee. It wasn't until Lane probed him with questions about his future wife that Higgins realized one woman had stolen his heart.

"There was one girl and one relationship that kept popping up in my mind first. I couldn't ignore that. In that moment, I knew," Higgins noted.

So when it came time for the Final Rose Ceremony, Higgins was overjoyed to pop the question to Bushnell. But his happy ending meant devastating Fletcher beforehand, and he knew she didn't deserve it.

"I'll spare you all my feelings standing across from JoJo as she arrived and I told her that I was going to choose Lauren because words aren't enough to give you even a tiny taste of what that was like. It was excruciating. Multiply what you think that word means by a billion and you might get close to what that was like for both of us," Higgins confessed.

"I knew what I was doing. And I knew how badly that would hurt JoJo after what she had told me about her past and how far we had come together. Had I known back when this all started what I felt in that moment, I would've spared her all of that. But I didn't. I needed every bit of this journey, the good and the bad, to know."

Higgins wished he didn't need to drag Fletcher all the way to the end, but it was necessary. The 25-year-old real estate developed from Dallas, TX, was rejected that day in Jamaica as she stood anxiously awaiting a proposal from the man she loved in a beautiful blush gown.

"It killed me because even in that moment I loved her. I saw a wonderful future with her. And in any other world than one where I'd met Lauren Bushnell on the same day in the same place, JoJo and I would've been happy together forever," Higgins admitted in his blog.

"But there was no way she could really know that. And nothing I could say to make her feel better at all. I simply had to say goodbye and it was the hardest thing I have done or probably ever will do in my life. It took me a lot longer than you think to come down from that. On TV you see one happen right after the other, but I needed some time. Time to recover."

Higgins then focused his attention on his bride-to-be. Meeting Bushnell was apparently everything he had "prayed for" and "dreamed about," even years prior to appearing on The Bachelor.

"As hard as it was to put JoJo behind me, I needed to in that moment..." Higgins explained.

"It has been the single most tumultuous, emotional, gut-wrenching, wild, yet amazing ride of my life. And as I look back at it now, and you all know how it ended, I don't think I could ever go through it again. But I'm also so happy that I did. Because I stand here now the happiest man in the world because I have found my person. And I can't wait to start my life with her."

About The Author: Elizabeth Kwiatkowski

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