The Bachelorette alum Kaitlyn Bristowe has opened up about how she fears fans will blame her for her "painful" split from Jason Tartick.
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But Kaitlyn, 38, admitted on the August 8 episode of her "Off the Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe" podcast -- which she had recorded just a few hours before her Jason split announcement -- that she's been struggling with how much to share as fans are expecting an explanation about the demise of her relationship with Jason.
"I'm going through a breakup with someone I was engaged to," Kaitlyn told marriage and family therapist Jenny Wise Black on the latest episode of her "Off the Vine" podcast.
"Now, we both are public figures, we both came from the same show, we have all these followers who we've let in. And we've invited them into our lives and our relationship and our home. And what we're doing morning, afternoon, night -- it's become part of, like, business."
Kaitlyn said she feels the need to "entertain" and she "loves using my phone to entertain."
But she explained, "Now I've gotten to this point where something like going through a breakup -- it's a loss, it's grief, you're going through, like, the thought of losing somebody, all of these big emotions -- and now these people are on the other end of this phone expecting you to share it with them while you're going through it."
Kaitlyn pointed out how her followers on social media essentially demands answers, which can be a lot to handle during difficult times.
"They think, 'You're hiding something from us, why wouldn't you be honest? I thought you were an open book, I thought you were this [and that]. Just tell us already that you guys are broken up!'" Kaitlyn said.
"And I'm holding so much responsibility because I see them as this community that I've built for myself. And it is affecting my mental health so much."
Kaitlyn shared how there's an internal battle within herself when it comes to deciding what -- and how much -- she should disclose of her personal life on social media.
"Even though I have the logistics side of my brain that goes, 'These people have their own things going on. They have their own traumas, they have their own dark places, they're looking to me for an escape, like, this isn't reality. You have to give yourself time first before you give strangers on the Internet time, no matter how much you think they're your community or family,'" Kaitlyn reasoned.
RELATED LINK: 'THE BACHELORETTE' COUPLES NOW"But then my other side goes, 'Oh, my gosh, they hate me. I'm going to lose all the support, and people are judging me. And they think it's just all me and it's my fault.'"
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Kaitlyn elaborated how her brain and her heart have been working in opposition.
"My brain is, like, 'Here's the logic of everything,' and then here's the emotion. And I am finding myself in the middle of that," Kaitlyn confessed.
Kaitlyn said the situation is "so painful" and she also finds it "so crazy" that she and Jason even had to write a statement to release publicly about their intimate breakup story.
However, the Dancing with the Stars 29 winner has been trying to look on the bright side.
"[The statement] also gives me the opportunity for them to understand it and then start to move on because otherwise, it just keeps going," Kaitlyn said, revealing how she and Jason planned to upload the statement hours later.
Kaitlyn admitted she "would love to go dark" on social media, and she clearly ended up following through on that.
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"I did the middle circle, the main one, I put Jason and Kaitlyn, those are the two people that matter through this right now. And then on the outside, it's our family. And then outside of that is, like, our really closest friends... And then outside of that is your cousin or whatever."
The Bachelor alum continued, "But outside of that, I can't let that come into this... I can't answer to it. I can't take that on as responsibility for [my followers'] feelings. I'm a mega empath -- and I do take it on, and I can't."
Kaitlyn said remaining on social media at the current moment would be sending the message that her followers are more important than the people in her inner circles.
"I know that hurts some people, even my 'Off the Vine' listeners. I've let them in so much that it might even hurt their feelings, like, 'I'm sorry you don't matter,'" Kaitlyn confessed.
The former The Bachelorette host concluded of navigating a breakup on and off social media, "I'm sad, scared and also hopeful all at the same time."
Kaitlyn and Jason began dating in January 2019 and got engaged in May 2021, but they never got very far into wedding planning, which raised eyebrows and eventually prompted breakup speculation.
Once the pair publicly confirmed their "heartbreaking" split in a lengthy joint Instagram posting on August 6, Kaitlyn and Jason released brief messages about how they're coping via Instagram Stories.
And Jason also got emotional when recording the introduction to his latest "Trading Secrets" podcast episode, which was released on Monday, August 7.
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Breakup rumors began to swirl in July because Kaitlyn and Jason hadn't posted anything about each other on Instagram for about a month. Jason also took a solo trip to see his mother in New York last week, and he posted photos with his dogs during a fun day out in Nashville -- but Kaitlyn didn't participate.
And when Instagram users flooded The Bachelorette alums' comments with questions and concerns about the status of their relationship, neither Kaitlyn or Jason responded.
Kaitlyn fueled speculation her romance was on the rocks -- or over completely -- when she took to Instagram Stories on August 1 with an angry message.
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Needing to "process things" seemed to suggest she and Jason had split up and called off their engagement.
The former The Bachelorette co-host continued, "Have a f-cking heart. You're scaring me with your comments and demands. I'm almost worried about YOU."
Kaitlyn quickly deleted the post, but screenshots of it still exist online and in her "Off the Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe" podcast group on Facebook.
Kaitlyn subsequently uploaded a permanent post on Instagram featuring lyrics to her 2020 song "If I'm Being Honest."
Kaitlyn highlighted the following lyrics: "Just 'cause I'm an open book / Don't mean you get the whole story."
She continued, "And if I'm being honest / I'm not always as tough as I seem / And I can have my moments / But words can get the best of me / And the words that I say to myself / Are the ones that hit the hardest."
Kaitlyn had also uploaded cryptic posts on Instagram in recent weeks about self-improvement, saying she needed to "toughen up" in order to "fight the noise."
And in July, Kaitlyn suddenly got three tattoos to represent her "what is my life" era, and she was spotted without her engagement ring on a beach vacation.
While Kaitlyn and Jason breakup rumors were circulating, Kaitlyn's first fiance, her The Bachelorette 11 winner Shawn Booth, announced he's going to be a dad with a woman named Audrey "Dre" Joseph, who had taken professional and promotional photos of him and is a member at his gym.
Kaitlyn and Shawn were together for about three years and announced their breakup in November 2018.
Jason, who initially competed for Becca Kufrin's heart on The Bachelorette's fourteenth season in 2018, asked Kaitlyn out on their first date in January 2019, and their romance moved quickly.
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Earlier this year, Kaitlyn explained in the media how she and Jason had been distracted when it came to wedding planning and were in no rush to exchange vows.
When asked about her nuptials on the February 5 episode of "The Most Dramatic Podcast Ever with Chris Harrison," Kaitlyn confessed with a laugh, "We suck."
"Honestly, any time we sit down to talk about [the wedding], we literally want to do something else," Kaitlyn said of her former dynamic with Jason at their home in Nashville.
"And that sounds so terrible because it should be a priority, but it doesn't feel like one -- and we're both okay with that."
Chris, who hosted The Bachelor franchise for nearly two decades, assured his friend, "That's all that matters," and Kaitlyn agreed.
"I feel like there's so much noise, like, 'Why aren't you guys talking about the wedding? Why is there not a wedding happening?!'" Kaitlyn shared.
"And it's like, 'I don't need to prove my relationship through a wedding.' I don't know, I just don't."
Kaitlyn and Jason were initially hoping to tie the knot by the end of 2022, possibly with a grand New Year's Eve wedding, but that clearly never happened.
"We both literally sat down the other day to maybe go through [our friends] and start a guest list," Kaitlyn recalled of her night with Jason, "and then we saw Yahtzee and a bottle of wine, and we were like, 'Should we just play Yahtzee and drink wine instead?' And so that's what we did!"
Kaitlyn insisted at the time that she and Jason were still happy together and in love. She also talked about how she couldn't wait to start a family with Jason.
RELATED LINK: 'THE BACHELOR' FRANCHISE COUPLES NOW: WHO IS STILL TOGETHER?? (PHOTOS)
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About The Author: Elizabeth Kwiatkowski
