The Bachelorette star Kaitlyn Bristowe is trying to make more sense of her ongoing saga with Shawn Booth so viewers can better understand their situation.
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"[Shawn] didn't expect to feel all the things he was feeling. It's so hard to care about someone and try and let your brain access those feelings in an average relationship. Now imagine adding in that you are trying to accept the person you care about has other relationships happening. It was only human for him to be upset," Bristowe wrote in her People blog.
"It's not possible to date all these different men without upsetting anyone. When Shawn asked me point-blank if I was in love with him, I was surprised."
Before responding, Bristowe was apparently asking herself, "Is it fair to say yes? Is it unfair to say yes?" That pretty much gave away that Bristowe was already in love with Booth at the time. This followed an off-camera meeting in San Antonio, TX, when Bristowe told Booth he was "the one" and "it" for her.
"I could understand his perspective -- it wouldn't have made sense for me to be in love and having intimate relationships with other people when I cared for him. Yet that's what was happening," the Bachelorette explained.
"I am imperfect. I was confused. I knew I was falling in love with Shawn. I was falling for a couple people. And, if I am honest (which clearly I am), I was scared of Shawn. I was worried he wouldn't be able to get through the hardest part of the journey and he would leave. I NEED a strong man, not physically (although it doesn't hurt) but emotionally."
As a result, Bristowe was questioning her decisions and having "a tough time" understanding her own feelings and actions.
After Bristowe wrapped up her two-on-one date with JJ Lane and Joe Bailey -- during which she sent Lane packing -- she went back to her hotel room and hoped to relax and crash. However, Booth wanted to confront her once again. She at first worried he was going to quit because of the fact she had made love to Nick Viall. Bristowe wasn't sure whether Viall had let the cat out of the bag.
"But knowing [Shawn] was there to further explain why he was having such a hard time was almost a relief. To be honest, I was happy he wanted to justify it. He had every right. He was there because I had said one thing and showed him another, and he had questions," Bristowe wrote in the blog.
When Bristowe had her little off-camera rendezvous with Booth in Texas, she said it was not promiscuous. Instead, she hoped it would be a "quick, fun gesture." She didn't think about how it could've altered anything, especially the process' long-term outcome. Bristowe said her extreme reassurance for Booth was unfair to everyone, including herself.
"I challenge anyone to date this many guys and not make mistakes. This was one I made, and it only set him up to get more upset when it came to my other relationships. This is why I understood where Shawn was coming from when being upset," Bristowe said.
"In my time with [Ben Higgins] I learned he was affected by my actions with Shawn. He didn't know what was said, but he knew that something had changed. He had felt a shift in the room after I had reassured Shawn. Luckily for me, Ben H. is a very understanding, compassionate, forgiving person, and he could tell that my heart was still open."
RELATED LINK: 'THE BACHELORETTE' COUPLES NOWBristowe felt "lucky" in that moment to have a man like Higgins in her life, someone who really cared about her.
And then right before the Rose Ceremony in which Bristowe sent Ben Zorn and Tanner Tolbert home, the Bachelorette sat down with Booth once again.
"He apologized for having a difficult time. I took responsibility as well. I was sorry, too. That was the first time Shawn and I had sat down together without kissing and only talking," Bristowe wrote in the blog.
"I felt a pit in my stomach about that night. I think a step back was the right decision for our relationship -- not in a negative way, but in order for us to get back to the Kaitlyn and Shawn we wanted to be. We had a very raw and real relationship and, for us, that was a bump in the road."
About The Author: Elizabeth Kwiatkowski
