Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska - Episode 5 Summary

'Exs and Hos' By Jonnycumlately

Previously on BiA (aka, Tarts in the Tundra) stupid people did stupid things on episode 4.

Our episode begins on a low note as we see Blandrea and Kristian spoon. Kristian basically just reiterates that he’s only with Blandrea because he wants an east lay, and Blandrea insinuates that she’s done “things never done before” with Kristian. Our first “No freakin Sh!t” moment of the night (there are many more, trust me) comes when Blandrea says that the worse thing is that her parents will think she’s disrespecting herself, like whatever gave them THAT idea? Just because Blandrea is on FOX-sanctioned mockery of the sacred bond between two people and is totally deluding herself just so some slimy jerk can walk all over her? Geez, Parents Just Don’t Understand, huh? CeSilly actually seems pretty comfortable with Will, though, by her standards, he’s MAULING her and all (they’re cuddling). More cuddling shots and blah-blahing about “luv” with Rebekah and Jason. Next we cut to Brent and Mrs. Brent (as Sissie probably has tattooed on her ass). She’s trying to figure out how to make her life “work around his.” Hear that loud squeal? That’s the sound of every feminist on earth howling in shame about how far we’ve apparently come in equality in a relationship, because I mean really!. But then they remember that this show promoted itself as a chance for the women to “turn the tables” and other forms of pseudo-empowerment, so all is well. Also note that while Brent likes Sissie, he seems to want to take things slow, while Sissie probably has already had her stuff moved into Brent’s place after their first date.

Group Sex…er, I mean date (hey I have to do SOMETHING to liven up this catastrophe of a show) at the Alaskan Sealife Center. After some “Hey I can see this crap on Discovery Channel, so bring on more of the carnality” footage of the sea life, CeSilly, in an interview mentions AGAIN, that she needs to tell her new Man on Ice about Timgate. Um, on second thought, maybe I would prefer to focus on those sea urchins again. No freakin Sh!t moment #2: Will says that he likes CeSilly, but she seems to have had “a little drama” with her previous relationships. Rebekah does some unnecessary commentary on Will & CeSilly’s blossoming romance (or something) but she’s penalized for illegal use of the word “vibe” (which should be amended in the bill to congress along with “connection” and “detox”, that bans these words from ever being used on a reality show again.)

The Whorethern Light Lodge. The host, Probst-jism, meets our intrepid couples to tell them that surprise, all the previous guys they dumped are back and waiting in the lodge. We get overdramatic flashbacks to remind us of the (apparently) sorry state of the Alaskan dating pool. After commercials, we meet the losers all over again. Tim 2, Electric Boogaloser is still talking about his stupid drinking-out-of-the-shoe, and he obviously decided that that will be his “hook” for those wondering why he’s still single. Cecile talks about how “awkward” it must be for Tim 1, because remember she’s “over” him. She spent three hours last week telling us. Tim 1 actually repeats NFS moment #1 by saying he shied away from CeSilly because he was afraid that he would embarrass his family by having a relationship on TV. Um…too late, you tool! I don’t get why embarrassing a (admittedly annoying) woman on TV and looking like a tool is suppose to be better than that other option we sane people call NOT GOING ON THE DAMN SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE. Sheesh! Then the second meeting of the Rebekah Fan Club comes to order, as Rebekah makes a guest appearance with all the guys who pleaded for her and got rejected. Probst-Jism announces there will be a “special Alaska dinner.” and the girls have an hour to get ready.

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In one of the girls’ cabin, CeSilly and Blandrea and Rebekah compliment each other’s outfits and bodies, with comments like, “I’ll do you in that dress.” Did Cinemax teach you nothing FOX? If you’re going to do the whole “Faux Lesbianism for Het-boy titillation” thing, then you need to use attractive women, not ragged drama queens.

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