The Amazing Race 12 - Episode 3 Summary

'Don’t Cry, Whine, Scream, Kick, Etc… Over Spilled Milk!!!' By ARnutz

Hey, wait a minute. *rifles through old TAR summaries* Hrmph! Somehow, by the luck of the draw, I had to follow Michel last season too! No fair! He’s really good. How can I possibly measure up? *sigh* …but, hey! He had to follow me during season 10, so… Oh, yeah. That was pretty easy to do!

Oh poo! The show must go on! *gets over it*

Anywho… the teams were in Amsterdam for a mandatory rest period. During the rest period they did things that were only legal in Amsterdam, ifyaknowhatimean... andithinkyoudo. This week they had to get to the airport and fly to Oogadoowow, Sakio Bika Uh… that’s not right. *checks notes* Oh! Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso in Africa.

The teams arrive at the airport in a disorderly fashion to find out that they must connect through Paris and there is only one flight from Paris per day. They must make their connection lest they fall a day behind. Jennathan – get it? Jen & Nathan = Jennathan, not to mention a throwback to "he who shall not be named". The whiney blonde and her cheater boyfriend who are on the race to test their relationship *rolls eyes* find that there is a flight to Paris at 7:20 am – they are the only team to make that flight and all others must get on the 8 am one. Jennathan comments that 40 minutes lead can make a difference sometimes. (Not in this leg, buddy) The 8 am flight is going to be delayed because of a “mechanical problem”… and we have the dramatic music and pause for commercials.

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Somehow, while there were commercials, this mystery “mechanical problem” disappeared and the other teams are on their way to Paris. As a matter of fact, even though they had to hurry, everyone makes the connecting flight! Ahhh… the magic of a commercial break. It really can cure all sorts of problems, ya know.

Don’t you wish we had commercial breaks when there was drama in our lives? Just think of the stuff we could overcome! Imagine, your boss calls you into hir office for a good talking to, there is dramatic music while you walk toward the door, then BAM! Commercials! When we next see you, you are leaving the office getting a pat on the back from hir! …or what about when you’re stuck in traffic. The clock is ticking and you’re running late for that big presentation, cue dramatic music, then BAM! Commercials! When we next see you, you’re rushing in the door of the conference room and the coworkers are still arriving because they were stuck in the same traffic jam. You’re not late! Problem solved! …and it was just because we paused to have some commercials.

Where was I? Oh! Yes…

The teams hurried along and all got bunched up on one flight! Nice work guys, not only have the PTB made it so the teams would bunch, but they purposely chose to send them to a place that had only one flight per day available! They arrive in OBF (I can’t possibly type that town name properly again) and they must catch a train to BINGO!!! Huh? What kind of TAR task is that? Ooohhhh! The town of Bingo – in the middle of nowhere! Oh goody! We’re going nowhere! I’ve never been to nowhere! It will be really cool to see nowhere on TV. It will make me feel like I am such a well-traveled armchair tourist. Yep.

Anywhatsit… the teams can’t get on a train right away. Nope. They have to wait for the next day! Sheesh. If the PTB couldn’t make sure they were on the same flight, they made sure they would’ve all met up at the train. Are your panties in a bunch from all this bunching yet? Mine are. 'scuse me while I fix that. *picks seat* That's better.

Grampa tells us the sisters are hot… b!tchy, but hot. Dirty old man.

We are then treated to some Lion King type music with shots of the middle of nowhere.

Finally, the next morning on the train, we get to see how these refined American travelers deal with culture shock. Shanifer (or is that Jennifug) tells us that it’s all smelly and dirty and there are flies everywhere and garbage outside. Jennathan actually says it’s neat to be in a place so different. Azaboutahkeya tell us that it’s great to be back in Africa as they are from Ethiopia. The train dumps them all off in the middle of nowhere. Not the Eastside of nowhere. Not the Northside of nowhere. Nope. Right in the MIDDLE of nowhere! Apparently, there are camels in the middle of nowhere! I wonder if they have them on the Eastside too?

The teams come across the roadblock. They have to milk a camel, filling a bowl to a marked line, then drink it. If their camel runs dry, they must wait until the other teams are done to switch to a new camel. Given what occurs next with some teams, they have apparently learned nothing from watching other teams with broken oxes and azzes. OK, maybe they didn’t see TAR 5 with Colin and his broken ox, but the first team eliminated this season had broken azzes! Why did they lose? …because they were screaming and whining at the doggone animals! Stupid, stupid racers.

They say a picture is worth 1000 words, so here goes 3000 more words in my summary! Does that make this the longest RTVW summary? …or does Estee still have me beat?

“Daddy has no idea how I learned to do this so well. Please don’t tell him.”

TK meets his long lost brother-from-another-mother and realizes that even though they were raised worlds apart, they’re both in a gang called green. Yes, that’s right! Gang Green. Not to be confused with the New York Jersey Jets.

If you were a camel and had some milk, would you give it to this nutjob? I didn’t think so.

…and you know! If a picture is worth 1000 words, how much is a video worth?

At any rate, when the teams finally finished milking their camels, they had to lead 4 other camels down a marked path to their next clue. Some of these teams don’t read very well because after TK & Rachel started wandering in the middle of nowhere, a bunch of other teams followed them. Christina tells her daddy that he should’ve listened when she said not to follow them. In a major turnabout since last week, he admits he needs to listen to her more. He proceeds to sing… It’s a long way to Tipperary… Yes, Ron, it’s a very long way from Tipperary. You’re not in the land of the pub song anymore. Stop singing!

A crapload of teams (and by crapload, I mean 5) make it to the detour where they have to choose between “teach it” – teach 10 English words to one of the schoolchildren or “learn it” – learn 10 words in Möre (pronounced Maury – as in Povich) from one of the schoolchildren. Meanwhile, back at the camel ranch, 4 teams are still having some trouble. The guy visiting his homeland gets the wise idea to switch camels and finally completes the task. 3 ladies, Jennifug, Who?lia & Screama are all whining and crying and pissing off the camels. The camels or their owners must’ve put in a call to the Anemoi or more specifically Livos – because a storm started brewing.

Hank Azaria finds a local boy that leads them directly to the schoolhouse, thus surpassing the crapload of other teams. They decide to “learn” and take 5 words each. They say it doesn’t take a brainiac to figure out this logical approach. Uh… you’re assuming brains is a requirement for being included in the race. Have you two watched this show before? Those racers do incredibly dumb things, like drive in the wrong direction for two hours or waste two hours on a detour task before switching.

Anywoozle… Hank Azaria finishes the task and search for the mat to find… they are in first place! A little while later, a crapload of teams (you know - 5) emerge to form a megamatbunch. It was like having several pairs of trick-or-treaters all show up at your doorstep at the same time! …except! These folks had some really scary costumes. Especially those ones with pink hair and stuff! Huh? That were their real hair and faces? Oh! Silly me.

Jennifug completes the milking roadblock and the “teach” detour and she runs to the mat with her boob hanging out as if to say, “Milk me Phil!” Her mini-me is there too. Finally, Who?lia gets enough milk and tells Screama to switch to a camel with a baby. The sistahs decide to lead their 4 camels very slowly and not startle them. Screama takes Who?lia’s advice and finally shuts up long enough to drink the milk. Her and that guy she’s with decide to take their camels for a nice, brisk jog. They catch up to the sistahs. Oh the drama! Who will it be? Can our ears get a break? Can Screama please be Philiminated?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Screama and that guy make it to the mat before the sistahs! Let this be a lesson to the other teams, never help another team, not only does bad karma get you in this race, but sometimes nice guys, errr… gals finish last.

Next week: The teams do some pole dancing, Jennifug and her mini-me screw someone over and Seana will take over the summarizing!

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