Combat Missions - Episodes 5 & 6 Summary

'Evolutions 5 and 6' By SurvivinDawg

Ah, yes. The teams come in, ready to do battle! They are prepared. Their weapons are sharp! Chairman Kaga unveils the theme ingredient and-- wait a minute… oh, I’m sorry, that’s my Iron Chef tape. Ah, here’s the Combat Missions tape. Yep, a bunch of losers, ready to fail in mock battle, their weapons shooting blanks (in every sense of the word). Col. Rudy unveils the theme mission and we don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity that unfolds before us.

Evolutions 5 and 6 are brought to you by the letters “C.Q.B.” and “M.B.”, the numbers “5”, “6”, and “-250”, and the words “poncho” and “MILES laser gear.”

Evolution 5

Colonel Rudy Boesch stands before the formation outside without a hat on, showing off the haircut that Medic Babe Heather gave him. I guess Col. Rudy still gets excited thinking of that haircut. This time it’s Delta vs. winless Charlie. Col. Rudy introduces the new players. “My condolences that you were chosen to join these squads.” says Col. Rudy.

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They show Sgt. Maj. Voiceover discussing the teams. Sgt. Maj. Voiceover, who speaks only in a voice over even when they show his lips moving, has acquired a new insignia on his chest. At first he just had a Scuba Diver badge, now he also has a Navy Parachute Badge (hopefully not to be confused with Army Airborne wings like mine). At this rate of adding badges, his shirt will be very heavy by the time he’s kicked off the show.

Delta squad selects Baz to lead them. Baz gets philosophical about which dog fights the hardest. He says the one you feed the most wins. Hey Baz: bulldogs fight the hardest , and we do like being fed. Delta is confident of victory. After all, they’re going up against Charlie squad, whose 0-2 record doesn’t do their ineptitude justice. But there is hope: Charlie has LA SWAT guys Crenshaw and Wong for this next misson.

Ed Bugarin, the squad leader of Charlie, tells of the new guy Cade Courtley. Ed tells us that Cade comes on strong in the leadership because he’s a former officer, and that it may be a problem in the future. No doubt about that: Ed realizes that Cade can replace him (Ed) easily as squad leader because Ed’s been doing such a crappy job to this point. Meanwhile, Crenshaw tells the camera “I miss work.” I don’t blame you, Crenshaw, I’d want to go back to work, too, if I had to be on this show. Meanwhile, Wong talks of Crenshaw’s leadership and valor in LA SWAT, more M.B. foreshadowing that Ed Bugarin might not be getting the job done…

TREEMAIL!

Not really. We could only wish there WAS a tree in the Camp Brainstorm desert, mostly so we could use it to hang these losers. It IS the first competition, though. It’s called “Double Pit Cross”, where the contestants must cross bodies of water. They must’ve read VampKira’s water sports question in the Off-Topic forum. The contestants navigate over one of four obstacles to cross the first body of water easily. Then there’s the big “lake”. The water is very cold. Crenshaw tries to drown himself, but his buddies won’t let him. “Let me go, I’m trying to get off this show!” yells Crenshaw as Wong and Bugarin help him. Col. Rudy and the Lady Major squeal and scream that someone’s in trouble. “Hurry up, help him!” shrieks the Lady Major. They really need to give her better lines. Col. Rudy, meanwhile, sends out scuba divers. “He’s not getting off this show that easily!” promises Col. Rudy. They finally get Crenshaw to the side of the pool… er, lake. At that point, one of the rescuers says “Dawggone it, Crenshaw, the lake is three feet deep. Just stand up next time!” During the rescue, there are player voiceovers of the value of partnerships. “My partners aren’t going to let me quit the show if they have to stay here. That’s what teamwork is all about.” Crenshaw gasps as he recovers from drowning.

Back to Camp Brainstorm, where Heather is watching the guys work out with the weights. Maybe she’s trying to drum up some business, and I’m not talking barbershop work. About this time, Nutter decides to show us why he’s named “Nutter.” He flashes the camera, as well as his teammates. You know that little circle they use to cover up nudity on TV? The one covering Nutter’s nu-- er, male anatomy is small. VERY small. The one showing his rear when he moons the camera is bigger, by necessity. And he’s doing this as snow flurries through the air. Needless to say, Nutter gets called into Col. Rudy’s office. “Are you flashing people, Nutter?” asks Col. Rudy. “Just the camera, sir.” says Nutter. “Nutter, I can assemble the squads AND the barmaids AND Heather AND the Lady Major and have you flash them. And they’ll see just how tiny you are. Do I need to do that?” threatens Col. Rudy. “That won’t be necessary, sir.” replies Nutter, in the smartest move he’s made since the show started. Remember, folks, that this guy is supposedly among the very best our military has to offer. That explains a few things, fer sure.

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