Average Joe 1 - Episode 4 Summary

'Jenny Jones Would be Proud' By Tiger Lily

(Yes, mine is the final word on this, and no, it’s not up for discussion. )

Let’s meet the New Joes! Shall we?

First we have Mike, who is 24, a model, and, as Zach so aptly points out, looks just like “Joe Millionaire on crack”. Actually, he happens to look a bit more feminine than Ape-man Evan, and quite humbly lets us know that he always been able to get the girl. Congratulations, dude. We’re all really impressed.

Let’s go to the Average Joes, for the first of their opinions on the matter:
John: "I just don’t know if I can compete with these guys’ looks." Um, John, honey, is there some confusion about that? I don’t know if they told you, but you’re one of the “Average” Joes. You’re... nevermind. We’ll discuss this further in the Makeover section of this week’s summary.

Jason is 26, a waiter, and has lofty aspirations to be a weatherman! And he is just so gosh dern clever, that he already has the perfect name picked out- “Jason Storm”. Oh, cute. Real cute. I suppose you saw that on TV somewhere and thought it would be funny. However, I feel obligated to let you know, that where I come from, they’re called meteorologists, and that, if you’re interested in that career, a Bachelor of Science Degree in Meteorology might be helpful. Just sayin.

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Back to the AJ’s for their thoughts:
Adam feels betrayed. Can’t say I blame him.

And finally let’s meet Alex, who is a 29 year old veterinary technician, from South America. No smart-ass comments about Alex yet, but not to worry, there’s 85 minutes of show still left.

So, what does Melana think about all of this?
Melana says (with a radiant, exultant smile on her face) that the New Joes will not be discriminated against because of their looks. She’s going to give them a fair chance. It’s only fair. Wow. She must be especially benevolent to have made the decision to keep three gorgeous guys around for the sake of fairness.

Cover me... I’m goin’ in!

The NJ’s move into the house, much to the dismay of the AJ’s. But don’t fear- Zach has a plan. “I just want you to know,” he says to John and Adam, “even if I become friends with the NJ’s, you two are still, like, my bestest friends in the whole wide world.” And his brilliant strategy? Be Zach. Riiiight. Because that has already worked so well with all of the other guys in the house. He’s going to befriend the NJ’s. They’re on his side. Make them like him, manipulate them, gain their trust, and then break them down. Okay. So apparently Zach is a little confused. He seems to think that he’s on Survivor. Um... Zach, alliances are not really necessary here, and all the guys left are Ostens anyway. Give it a rest.

Ready for the big shocker? The NJ’s hate Zach already. He talks too much “smack” (These guys are astoundingly intelligent. Tell me again why they don’t already have girlfriends?).

Makeover time!

The AJ’s decide to, like, give each other makeovers. Zach starts off by revealing his most valuable beauty tip: If you tie a bandana over your head like this, no one will know you’re bald. Oh my heck. Has anyone told MAXIM about this brilliant idea? They should make it the cover story of their next issue.

Adam makes plans for a brand new diet and workout regimen. Then he and John do each other’s hair and trade make-up tips, as Adam has a huge zit that needs concealed.

John gets some very gracious advice from one of the NJ’s.
Alex: “You need to shave off your goatee, get some contacts, get a tan, work out, wax your chest, whiten your teeth, get plastic surgery, a whole new wardrobe, and... basically change your whole appearance so you look just like me. And, like, oh my gawd! have you tried my pretty new lip gloss? It’s watermelon-cherry-banana-kiwi with sparkles!”
John: *hides under his pillow*

**Uh, oh. What’s that? I feel a song coming on. We interrupt this summary for a very special musical performance... it’s the world premier of the hit Broadway song “__(Insert name)___ is a Ditz”, sung by Judy Garland herself!**

__(Insert name)___ is a Ditz
(sung to the melody of “Puttin’ on the Ritz” by Irving Berlin)

Have you seen the newest Joes
Dressed in chic Valentinos
Come to win Melana’s heart
Even though they’re not that smart

Six-packs and narrow waistlines
Tanned backs and firm, round behinds
Flash a dazzling smile
You’ll be staying a while

Now, if you're John
And you don't know what to put on
Don’t sing, but go where fashion sits
Alex is a Ditz
Different Joes will weasel in and
Try to kiss Adam’s new girlfriend;
He has zits
Jason is a Ditz

Manners are important, this is simple
Unless you have big muscles and a dimple
Pop that pimple

Zach, you better not act so rude
She might pick the curly-haired dude
With the glitz
Mike is such a Ditz

------ short instrumental break ------

Kathy Griffin says they’re only so-so.
They are entertaining on the show, though
Average Joe, yo.

Average Joes will win the girl’s heart
Not the models, if she is smart
Use your wits
Please don’t choose a Ditz

Now, back to our regularly scheduled summary…

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