Queer Eye - Episode 10 Summary

'Gumball Tom' By MickeyM

Pulling up to Tom’s apartment building, the Fab5 comments on how it looks like a prison. In case we didn’t fully understand the tragedy that is this man’s life, we are privy to an inside look at Tom’s life. Quite honestly, I have seen college frat houses that have better-looking furniture and that were cleaner. The best way to synopsize the place is 1980’s rummage sale complete with a naugahide bar (I’m guessing that’s for the kids), a dolphin soap dispenser and Tom’s pride and joy the plastic “party tree.” What? You don’t know what a party tree is? Good thing Tom explains that “I plug in the lights and then everyone knows there’s a party going on.” Sweetie, if you need a tree to tell people that they’re at a party, then it’s not a party. Being a true party guy, Tom does not want to part with the party tree or the bar, we cringe. So, it become terribly obvious that Tom did not have a prenuptial agreement with wife #1 and/or #2 and that most likely wife #1 and/or #2 are living it up at Tom’s expense. Did he really say that he wanted to meet another woman? Some guys never learn.

Tom also seems to have some sort of strange gumball fetish. There is a gumball machine on the stove (yes, ON the stove) and yet another on the bar. I don’t know how to explain the need for gumballs in every room, but perhaps it’s some sort of Freudian oral fixation or has something to do with the handcuffs the Fab5 found. Maybe we don’t really want to know.

Out on the town, Carson takes Tom shopping for clothes that will make a 6’6”, 230 pound, middle-aged guy look hip. He eventually winds up with a collection of T-shirts from Old Navy, basic plaid button downs and polo shirts. Kayan has been insulting Tom’s completion all day which we learned is due to smoking, drinking and eating sweets. Hello, this is a single, straight man that has been divorced twice and has two little kids – I’d smoke and drink too, cut the guy some slack. To cure all these vices, Tom is treated to a facial and a bevy of skin care products that will reverse the signs of aging, um huh. Thom and Tom look at furniture which all seems nice enough, but I’m puzzled why nobody notices that it is all to short/small for such a tall guy. I guess some sacrifices must be made for style. Ted continues his tribute to “food that can kill” (see Episode 9) deciding to serve homemade sushi and green tea (sounds like a party to me).

Lastly, we have Jai, our culture guru. Now, those who have read the other summaries know that I’m not too clear on Jai’s role in this whole show. How do we define culture and more importantly how do we imbue culture upon others? This week we learn that culture is going to a toy store. Yep, that’s right – toys are culture. So take heart all you gamers out there – you is cultured! So, Jai takes Tom to a seemly very overpriced toy store to buy some goodies for his kids. The man has a party tree and a naugahide bar – he needs some real advice on fun and culture, not dinosaur puzzles. OK, to be fair, Jai also hooks him up with two tickets to De Laguardia, which Tom has no idea what that is – I believe he thought he was getting two tickets to go to the airport. Broadway can be a long way from West Patterson. Jai also plugs one of his friends by providing two tickets to one of her performances. The idea behind the tickets is that Tom can fancy up to some chica by asking her to one of these events.

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Back at the new and improved apartment it’s amazing what a dumpster and a lot of cash can do for a place. Sadly, the bar still has a place of prominence in the living room (which is also the dining room and the entryway and the playroom – it’s a small apartment). In the kitchen, Ted tries to teach Tom how to roll sushi. It become very clear, very fast that Ted has no idea what he is doing and most likely has never made a piece of sushi in his life. To Tom’s credit, his rolls actually turn out better than Ted's although Tom does decide to fill his with Wasabi which almost kills his sister at the party.

The Fab5 watch as Tom’s son returns home to check out dad’s new digs. The little one explores the entire apartment commenting all the way. Hmmm, looks like daddy’s little man has a flair for interior design. Tom whips out the culture (a.k.a. toys) for the lad to check out while Tom has a minor nervous breakdown.

After way too many seconds of watching the boy play (awww, ain’t that cute) the partygoers arrive. After seeing Tom’s mom, dad and sister, I’m guessing Tom was adopted since he is about a foot taller than any of them, either that or some strange genetic anomaly. The sister arrives with her friend who very well might be related to Dana from Big Brother 4. She is on him from minute one laying one hint after another. She asks Tom for a minute alone out on the balcony and basically tells him that she would like to see him again. Tom appears to be totally oblivious to this come-on and misses his big opportunity to use Jai’s big line about the theater/concert tickets. The future Ms. Minogue has to leave early, but not before she tells him two more times to come visit her. He nods stupidly and it appears as though someone prompted him because all of a sudden he decides to walk her out. It’s really hard to believe that this guy was married twice before – smooth.

The Fab5 seem satisfied with their work and should take pride in the fact that they probably saved child protective service a trip to the garbage apartment. Now, someone should recommend a good lawyer to draw up Tom’s next pre-nup.

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