The Apprentice 2 - Episode 2 Summary

'But... I Don’t Have My Bag' By idiotcowboy

Previously on the Apprentice,

• 18 mostly attractive peeps show up (fat ugly people must not be successful),

• In a twist sure to confuse viewers of the show and readers of this summary, all of the women are named either Jennifer, or Stacy,

• Its boys verses girls again (with a twist of lime),

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• The most effeminate man and most masculine woman are swapped out and made PM (which is an acronym of the Italian phrase Primo Morano, or Head Moron... or perhaps that’s just a dish down at the Olive Garden),

• The two teams design a boy toy (the women of course win that one)

• Later, The Trump takes the winners to his private suite for a “party” (don’t these peeps know, never go to crime scene #2)

• The she-male PM takes with her Little Andy the Young and Rob the Scapegoat

• Rob the Scapegoat is anointed by his royal highness, Sir Rob, the First Fired.

Cue the mu$ic… role the credit$… and bring on the clown$.

Raj: Andy’s gone

Jennifer: Yeah it’s gotta be Andy

Wes: He’s 22 and you can’t run a company at 22 sad but true, I mean 22 is like just one shy of 21 and two shy of 20, if he was just three years younger he would be like a teenager, and you can’t run a company as a teenager.

Jennifer: Eww, when you say it that way I wish I hadn’t slept with him.

John: Yeah, me too.

Andy: Hey Dudes, lets party! Where’s the keg?

Chris: Whoa, we got an early morning.

Andy: Yeah, make it wine.

I love TiVo...

5:00 AM, The Apartment, the phone rings, and The Bradford, hung over, and in the suit he slept in takes the call, it’s ho-time!

Jennifer: Oh, the red is stylish, but the black, now that really does something.

Jennifer: Do you really think?

Jennifer: Oh yes I do.

Jennifer: And to think I got it half price.

Jennifer: No really?

Jennifer: Oh My Gawd yes!

Stacy: These bitches are gettin on my last nerve, they all so fake and pretend it’s crazy. I swear it’s just like high school except they’re all white.

Jennifer: Stacy just doesn’t try to be part of the group

Stacy lost it in the last challenge, and I don’t mean that she lost the challenge. I mean obviously we won... despite her and The Bradford.

Jennifer: Oh you look adorable

Jennifer: Not half so much as you

Stacy:

Cue trumpets, pump up the music, and prepare to kiss the ring, as The Trump enters the building.

The Trump: Behind me, past my personal sycophants who act as your judges, is the future site of the most trumped up ice cream parlor in the world. Any guesses on the name?

Kelly: Baskin Robbins?

Jennifer: Hagen Daas?

The Trump: No, think bigger!

Stacy: Subway?

Raj: Oh, I know, I know... Ben and Jerry’s, I love that stuff

The Trump: Morons! This is the future site of The Trump Ice Cream Parlor as in THE TRUMP as in me. If I wasn’t getting paid so much to do this I’d fire the lot of you for being stupid. In fact the next person to do something stupid is getting it, including you George.

George:

The Trump: Your task this week is to work with Ciao Bello Gelato, a regional maker of ice cream. To make, market, distribute, introduce, sell, sucker, suckle, dupe, consume, concoct, swindle, swine, bamboozle, and eat a new ice cream flavor worthy of The Trump name. The team that makes the most money in this venture gets to eat on an empty stomach, small portions of raw eggs while consuming liquor that does not normally come from a carton. The team that makes the least money has to spend the evening with me and my associates.

All:

Caroline:

George: Donny, you remember when I used to take you to the ice cream parlor? Those were good days, you had this toy truck and drove it unde...

The Trump: George, not now.

Jennifer: Our task this week is to make a new flavor of ice cream, and I love ice cream because when I purge it comes up almost as smooth as it goes down.

Andy: I’m a marked dude cause I’m so young, immature, and ignorant but that doesn’t prevent me from picking up chicks off the street to molest.

Jennifer: I hate The Bradford, he’s such an idiot and his management style is so draconian. Plus I prefer men with bad hairpieces over the naked mole rat type.

The Bradford: I don’t really have to worry about anything this week, because last week I won the thing single-handedly and since I was also the PM I have immunity . This week The Bradford can coast, oh yes he can .

They’re not going to kill another pig are they?

No, that was Survivor.

Good cause that was sick.

You know, it’s a gimmic to get people to watch, you know shock them, horrify them, all in the name of um... entertainment

So what do they kill on this one?

Um... ratings?

John: So anyone have any experience working with Ice Cream?

Kevin: I used to work at I Can’t Believe It’s Not Yogurt

Wes: Yeah, has anyone done anything even remotely similar?

Kevin: For ten years

Jennifer: It’s such an unusual field I don’t think anyone here has that type of experience.

Kevin: I was the store manager, and had to pick the flavors

Kelly: Since no one has any experience why don’t we do a random draw?

John: Great idea!

Kevin: Are you guys just ignoring me?

Andy: Hey Kevin

Kevin: Finally!

Andy: Don’t you have a hat? You know so we can draw names.

Kevin: ##### You.

Raj: Some people, are you know sensitive about their dress

John: So you think he’s getting a hat?

Jennifer: So we need to pick someone to be PM.

Jennifer: Yes we do

Jennifer: Well what we really need is discuss, you know besides hair products and ##### me pumps, is economics. The key to this assignment is sales verses cost, minus the first derivative of the market deviation that is natural in these types of direct marketing ventures.

The Bradford:

Jennifer: Of course we then have to subtract out any associated licensing fees, the cost of permits, and supplies such as cups, plastic ware, and of course replacement press-on nails.

Jennifer: You had so lost me until the nails thing, but now I can see you are a natural at this. Team, I think we have found our leader.

Jennifer: Oh yes

Jennifer: Excellent

Stacy: Does this mean we can wake up The Bradford and we can get started? Cause if it does I’m all for it.

Jennifer: So the winner is

Andy: K, that must mean its Kelly

Kevin: Yeah

Kelly: All right were going to win this one, but first we need some order. For the next 10 minutes you can congratulate me and tell me how intelligent I am.

John: What about flavor?

Kelly: Were not talking about that right now, and we have another 7 and 3/4 minutes to discuss me.

Raj: Lets talk in the car, were wasting time here.

Kelly: With that attitude you’re going in the hole, mister.

Jennifer: Keep me out of this.

Jennifer: Kelly is like some authoritarian GI Joe, I used to play with those when I was a kid... and let me tell you, I was extremely disappointed when I undressed them too.

Kelly: My military training makes me an ideal leader; after all if any of them screw up I can kill them with my bare hands in seven seconds.

Jennifer: I don’t really deal well with authority, or for that matter reality.

Kelly: After 10 minutes I determined we needed two teams, unfortunately we had another six 10 minute sessions already planned so it took a while before were able to execute that. When we did though I lead Team Flavor with Chris, Pamela, and Andy, and I left Team Sales with Wes in charge of, Raj, John, and um... em... gimme a minute...

Jennifer: We should call for a list of ingredients

Jennifer: We should call restaurants

Jennifer: We should call for modeling gigs

Jennifer: We should spy on the guys and see what they’re doing

The Bradford: So, did we ever decide who’s in charge?

Stacy: Jennifer

The Bradford: Which one?

Stacy:

Jennifer: So how is ice cream made?

Ciao Bello Impieghi: Well it’s a technical process, I’ll be happy to show you, but it might take a while.

Jennifer: Please do.

Ciao Bello Impieghi: Well we start here with the ingredients.

Jennifer: So you just put the ingredient in here

Ciao Bello Impieghi: I think, that’s what I just said.

Jennifer: Ahh

Ciao Bello Impieghi: And then it’s transferred to here

Jennifer: So it goes from this one to this one , and how does it do that?

Ciao Bello Impieghi: this tube

Jennifer: Ahh

Andy: this is ridiculous; I don’t give a rat’s ass about the mechanics of this

Chris: yeah this is a sales task not Cooking 101

Jennifer: So, taking it from there, to here, how many people does that take, and is there any lesson that can be learned in that?

Ciao Bello Impieghi: Um, no not really.

Jennifer: Ahh

So, what happened to the race one?

You not getting into this eh?

Not really, I kinda like the race one though

It’s finale, is next week

Oh, so this is ones new?

Yeah, I kinda liked it last season.

It seems rather dull, you know, comparatively.

It might get better

Um huh, I might go to bed

Jennifer: So, after a promising start we wound up with a little exercise I like to call “group havoc”.

The Bradford: The girls didn’t appreciate my management style last week, but after this bwahahahahaha

Jennifer: So what kind of unique flavor would be appealing to a restaurant?

Jennifer: Bloody Mary

Jennifer: Old Spice

Jennifer: Scary Spice

Stacy: Hey I’m nobodies flavor bitch

Wes: So Kelly put me in charge of the sales team, because he had faith that unlike the rest of these losers I could get something accomplished. I am after all a natural at phone sales.

Wes: Hello, I’m Wes an independent consultant with Ciao Bella Ice Cream and we’re running a limited run distribution of a fabulous new ice cream flavor.

Phone: What’s the flavor?

Wes: I can’t tell you right now, but the focus groups loved it.

Phone: The answer is NO.

Wes: Hello, I’m Wes an independent consultant with Ciao Bella Ice Cream and were running a limited run...

Phone: The answer is NO.

Wes: Hello, I’m Wes an inde...

Phone: The answer is NO.

Wes: Hello

Phone: The answer is NO.

Wes: but this was a tough task.

Team Sales: Team Flavor, this is Team Sales, any lead on a flavor?

Phone: The answer is NO.

Kevin: Geesh, throw a chocolate bar in it and call it a day

Raj: A Day?

Kevin: No not the name, just throw a chocolate bar, a donut, anything into ice cream and let’s move to the next task.

Phone: This is Kelly, I just had an interesting idea I just thought of. What if we made a donut flavored ice cream.

Raj: Genius!

John: Great idea!

Phone: I wish I had of thought of it

Phone: So Keith what do you think, you’ve been awful quite today

Kevin: It’s Kevin, not Keith, Kevin

Phone: I knew it started with a K

Jennifer: So how could we go about making ice cream, tastes like a donut?

Ciao Chef Capo Bello: Well, you could put donuts into it

Jennifer: Ahh

Andy: So we would need to like, go buy them?

Ciao Chef Capo Bello: Either that or you could pull them out of your ass

Jennifer: What about dog crap ice cream?

Chris: So, when would you need the donuts?

Ciao Chef Capo Bello: Lets see, I leave work in 30 minutes, lets say you leave to get them now and I never have to see any of you losers again.

Kelly: Works for us.

Jennifer: Ahh

Chris: So we drive to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and take all their inventory, even the ones already sold. I personally took a donut from one kids mouth. He was just bawling, hahaha. (wouldn’t your mamma be proud)

Stacy: How many temps do we need?

Jennifer: Why do we need temps?

Stacy: Jennifer told me to get them.

Jennifer: Did not.

Jennifer: What about shortening?

Jennifer: What about lunch?

Jennifer: What about donut?

Jennifer: eww

Jennifer: What about Red Velvet Cake?

The Bradford: I love it, it evokes such an emotion.

Jennifer: Despite the fact that The Bradford likes it, it does sound good.

Jennifer: So what is Red Velvet Cake?

Jennifer: It’s smooth and buttery and really really red.

Ciao Responsabile Bello: So have you come up with anything? Because my head chef has already quit over the other team and I’d really like to go home sometime tonight.

Jennifer: Red Velvet Cake

Ciao Responsabile Bello: Okay

The Bradford: Can we get anything for you?

Ciao Responsabile Bello: Yeah, you could get out.

Kelly: So you didn’t find anyone?

Wes: It’s hard to sell ice cream when you don’t even know the flavor.

Kevin: Lets focus on what we can do, why don’t we just try and maximize our sales by setting up shop in Times Square.

Kelly: Geesh Wes, what are we suppose to do now? Sell it on the street?

John: You know that’s not a bad idea.

Andy: We could partner with a non-profit and sucker people into buying just for that.

Chris: We could put two stands side by side in from of Toy’s R Us, and maybe hire a prostitute of two to help drum up business.

Kelly: So what do you think Kevin, I really need everyone to contribute here.

Kevin: Leukemia, that’s a good charity

Kelly: See now, that wasn’t that hard.

Jennifer: What do we have here

John: None-ya

Jennifer: You got anything else?

Wes: It doesn’t matter we’ll kick your asses anyway.

Jennifer: Yeah, just like last time.

The Bradford: You guys grow some boobies and you might. Bwahahaha

Honey, could you get me a cup of Chamomile?

Um, I’m watching the show.

Isn’t it on commercial?

Um... not really.

But, it’s Tivo’ed

Sure, be there in a minute. Stupid TiVo

In voice-over confessionals describing what appears to be brisk morning sales at Mosaic...

Kelly: So our plan was to show up in front of Toys R Us at 7AM, so that we could bake in the morning sun until after lunch when people might actually want to eat ice cream.

Raj: I suggested we play up the fact we had donuts in the ice cream to get some morning sales, and it actually worked!

Kevin: Actually that was my idea too, but they didn’t show it.

John: Just when I was starting to like Raj, the clown, after he came through with getting all of us bow-ties to make us look the part of homeless street vendors, he decides he’s a hypochondriac and needs a freaken bagel. I’ll shmear his ass if we loose this.

Wes: I was really glad to see the morning sales, since after my complete failure securing any businesses to buy into this I’m a bit worried Kelly would take me to the board room if we loose.

The Bradford: We decided as a team that no one eats ice cream before lunchtime so we wouldn’t waste our time and energy until then. Plus the hangover is killing me.

Jennifer: The Bradford wanted us to dress ourselves like the whores we are to sell ice cream, I’d rather loose than dress myself like a whore. I mean they are so cheap looking how can anyone do that to themselves.

Stacy: I don’t think we should dress like cheap prostitutes, you know just for the sake of dressing like cheap prostitutes. I just think we should dress like we normally would when were going out to give it away for free to some guy who won’t even spring for diner off the McDonald’s value menu.

Jennifer: Yeah!

Jennifer: Makes sense to me.

The Bradford: Ladies let get going, the john’s are waiting.

Kevin: My brother was suppose to die from leukemia, but I gave him a bone marrow transplant, so I feel justified in crassly using his pain and suffering for my gain. The fact that some people mistakenly thought all the proceeds were actually going to them, well it’s not my problem.

Raj: Pamela was having a bit of trouble with the direct sales, I think it was because she didn’t have a bow-tie.

Jennifer: I don’t really like people so I had trouble with the direct sales, especially after that guy sneezed on me. Ewww.

Jennifer: Things were actually going pretty well, we got set up and were doing good business until an irate street vendor assaulted us a piece of paper. Something about a permit, exclusive rights, and how prostitution was illegal.

Jennifer: We had some serious organizational issues, especially after we decided rather than fight with the street vendor we would just move across the street and sell ourselves on the other side.

The Bradford: Basically what happened is since I wasn’t in charge things went to hell in a hand basket, and I decided that even though I got nothing to worry about I should at least look interested.

Jennifer: So one cart went one direction, and the other cart went a different direction, and we only have two phones.

Jennifer: Stacy told me we were on Brodway, when we were actually on 7th, so if we fail I’m blaming her.

Jennifer: The carts were separated and we couldn’t see each other even though we across the street from one another the entire time.

Jennifer: It was becoming a complete and total disaster, and then we ran across the other team. We saw how a well organized team was set up and once we got everyone back together we imitated it, except with boobies.

The Bradford: I flipped my hat on backwards and morphed into Gelato Man, it was great I had the entire city of New York buying our ice cream just to get me to shut up!

Jennifer: I must say I never saw any use for The Bradford, but if we’re selling ice cream I have to say it was nice to have Gelato Man on our team.

The Trump: George, how did Apex do?

George: Amazingly even after an extremely poor start and practically no organization they wound up with $2500.

The Trump: Carolyn how did Mosaic do?

Caroline: They kicked their asses.

The Donald: Ok, Mosaic, go eat raw eggs, Apex go get cleaned up and bring your bags, because one of you not named Brad will be going home.

Honey, I need you

It’s almost over

I won’t need you then, I’ll be asleep

Ahh, I love TiVo

The Trump: So who was your project manager?

All: Ivana

WTH?!??!? Who in their right mind would change their name from Jennifer or Stacy to Ivana for this show? As if The Trump will willingly give any Ivana another dime!

The Trump: You know with a name like they you’ll never win, even if you were more competent.

Ivana: I tried to get it changed to Jennifer or Stacy.

The Trump: Ultimately you got to be who you are, even if it’s a money grubbing psycho bitch.

Ivana: I know.

The Trump: So why did your team loose, you know despite the obvious.

Ivana: Well Stacy really let the team down.

The Trump: How?

Ivana: She needs adult supervision at all times, I could only give her tasks that kept her out of the way, she has no sense of direction, and her shoes don’t match her outfit.

Jennifer: Oh my gawd yes!

The Trump: So Brad

The Bradford: I prefer to be called The Bradford.

The Trump: So Brad, you got this little immunity thing going for you, so you can speak your mind according. What went wrong.

The Bradford: Honestly, the only problem was I wasn’t the leader. In fact I don’t need immunity because I worked my ass off on this challenge and was clearly the best person on the team.

The Trump: So you’re saying you don’t want immunity?

The Bradford: I’m saying I don’t need it, because I’m too good to fire.

The Trump: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

The Bradford: Wait I’m not done...

The Trump: Actually since you just gave up your immunity you probably are.

Jennifer: Oh my gawd, oh my gawd

Ivana: You don’t mean

The Bradford: uh...

The Trump: That’s right, Ivana you’re lucky, Stacy you need lots of things, and Jennifer you just need to shut the ##### up, but Brad, you’re too STUPID for words, and you’re fired!

The Bradford: But... I don’t have my bag.

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