Last Comic Standing 3 - Episode 7 Summary

'The Final Insult' By PagongRatEater

The entire show is recapped in the first five minutes and I recall all the laughs, fun and smiles that were Last Comic Standing 3. (not!) Microphones flash before my eyes and I think that the end may be near, but instead it is only the now very dull and somewhat American Idol-esqe opening montage.

Announcer voice: And now…live from the Last Comic Theater… All I can think of is; What the heck did these guys do to get a theater named after them?!?!

Jay comes out for what he doesn’t know is probably the last time he will ever be on national TV anywhere in America (although he is working on getting Hans Blix to do a pilot with him for Last Comic Standing, Iraq) and demonstrates for the final time that he really needs to get a fashion consultant. I mean seriously, don’t Executive Producers get any perks. Jay does take this occasion to remind America of the one thing that he does well – impersonate a psychopath who hasn’t done anything in ten years. You keep up that Christopher Walken material, buddy. Comedy.Gold.

Then the much anticipated moment where we get to hear Jay say ROLAIDS 15 times in under two minutes. There’s a sponsor that knows how to get their money worth! (is it just me or was the first time that a sponsor was mentioned? Did NBC back out on the prize money and expect Jay to pay with his book royalties?).

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Finally it is time to bring the “comics” from last weeks roast back out on the stage to find out who will get the chance to compete for the Rolaids prize. Of course, we have to dispense with the awarding of Season Two their weekly $50K and once again Todd Glass puts on a display that makes me wonder why he didn’t get along with Ant better.

When Jay announces the first person eliminated, I am SHOCKED to find out there was some guy named Geoff Brown on the show – as is the audience as Geoff exits to perfect silence. Next Jay gives Todd Glass the incredible news that Gary Gulman did not vote enough times this week to save him. Gary shakes his fist in the air and asks “WHY?”…um cause Todd sucked last week. (here’s a clue about song bits….TRY to memorize the words, or the music, or the tempo)

Next the axe is brought down on “juicy” Tess and she quickly slinks off the stage – as much as a 300 pound woman can do that. And the last comic to join her as a footnote in the history of bad television is…Gary Gulman. Gary runs off quickly to catch up with Tess (and to possibly offer a conciliatory Double Stuff.)

So not the Final Four is all set: Duke, Kentucky….oops sorry (like you wouldn’t get distracted if you had to write this carp!). John Heffron, Dave Mordal, Alonzo Bowden and Rich Voss. And now finally, on the last episode of the show, they actually get to do a real stand-up set that’s longer that 30 seconds. Jay once again reminds us on how we can vote (don’t pay attention cause he’s going to tell you AGAIN at the end of the show) which makes it official that the voting instructions have gotten more airtime and laughs than Teri Joyce.

First up is John Heffron, the man-child of the 80’s who apparently mistakenly believes that he is competing in this Miss America pageant who will use his “title” to promote world peace and preside over ribbon cuttings with the dingleberry scissors. John proceeds to once again continue to advance the dubious claim that he was cool in the 80’s and shares mildly amusing stories about shopping for bath mats as a demonstration of how far he has fallen. John then opines about the always awkward situation of going to game night at a couple’s house who are having a fight which segues nicely into his new for-profit enterprise (since he’s about to be down a shared $50K per week in income) of offering a break-up service. It would be funnier if it weren’t a GREAT idea – sign here, yellow copy is yours. Then John reminds everyone about the difficult life of a 9 year old and says “I wish I was nine.” Ummm…John? You run around, play PlayStation, sleep in and tell jokes for a living! You ARE 9. And just to make sure that the constant 80’s reference isn’t missed (cause he comes to us from the future, remember?), he talks about his Chevette with the hole in the floor and how he always used to lose his Poison tapes through the hole…and then goes on to explain what a tape IS to about half the audience. (here’s a link for the readers, just in case: www.tape.com )
RATING: John finally shows some new material, but the problem is it’s just not that funny. Hope that last year’s prize money will last you for awhile.

Next we get to hear from this year’s poster boy for Nepotism Rich Voss who will use his "title" to rub it in on all the ex girlfriends and club bosses who thought he wasn’t good enough to glom off of a personal relationship to advance his career. Rich’s comedy apparently mostly consists of ways in which he tries to scar little children, particularly his own. Somehow Rich misses the irony in making fun of Ash Wednesday as a day when priests burn children (“it could be worse” he says) but then going on to mention how he threatens to burn his own children with cigarettes – cause he’s old school and that’s OK. The depth of his problem becomes clear when he admits having lost $1500 on his daughters basketball game. Just for good measure Rich throws in a little humor at his own expense for being Jewish and does a quick Gallup poll of the audience for other Jews – apparently cause he needs a ride home. Rich decries Political Correctness so that he can make fun of Mexicans and then he is gone.
RATING: Easily the worst performer of the night. Never made me laugh but did force the occasional Bush-grimace to occur.

Up next is Dave Mordal who apparently is thinking of nothing as he waits in the wings but his first joke and urination . Way to go Dave! That will definitely get you some votes. I guess incontinence comes with the territory when you’re almost as old as Wiggins. Apparently he isn’t the only one who isn’t quite right in the head in his family. His parents got a new computer and his mom thinks the defrag is Tetris, while his dad is convinced that his cell phone is the remote for the TV. Dad has also figured out that putting bird seed in the bug zapper is good fun! (Dave would just like to figure out how to rig that up for useless cows) Incongruously, Dave then shares that he’s given up drinking and drugs (and chance he just gave them to Mom and Dad to hold?) even though he had a few ‘unfortunate events’ back when he was a youth in the Alabama National Guard. Dave then offers a backhanded compliment to the handicapped by saying that he’s never met a mean retarded guy or jumped in the bushes when he saw someone with Down’s Syndrome coming down the street (your Humanitarian award is in the mail, dude). Since retarded death row inmates don’t know what’s going to happen, we should tell them we’re going to the zoo. Really anybody who gets killed by a retarded person should just have employed the ‘there’s your bus’ distraction tactic. We also learn that getting SOME of Season 2’s money could have been helpful in his life because his car is not so good. It offers some entertainment value by offering fun games life “guess where the horrible noise is coming from” and “if I hit Tess with this tin bucket will she crumple or the car.” A good car would actually be no help to Dave cause it would just help the black helicopters track him down.
RATING: Best stuff from anybody all season. Even while I was trying to take notes I kept cracking up. He won’t win cause he’s a Season One leper, but good try Dave. Perhaps the extra money will allow you a visit to the barber and a resupply on the Grecian formula.

Finally, Alonzo Bowden gets his chance to shine and promises if he gets to the Final Four, we will see some ‘very edgy comedy.’ This coming from the guy who did the Alabama and Gymnast jokes is a scary promise, but one he (unfortunately?) fails to live up to. Ignoring the curse of Ralphie, Alonzo digs right in to the political humor. First by comparing the Presidential debates to LCS – combining the personal attacks of Ralphie May, the bad acting of Jay Mohr, the poor attempts at humor of Sean Kennif, strange hair of Jay London and the extreme repetitiveness of Dat Phan. Alonzo also solves our terror problem by pointing out that we just need to wait until Osama double parks his U-Haul at an expired meter and he is ours. (in case ANYONE is actually still reading – I love you! This is longer than Shakes’ damn pre-Love Cruise journal) He also has a novel solution for Iraq – send the girls gone wild, specifically Paris Hilton. I’m assuming that she would have videotaped sex with all of the rich guys in the country who could forward her ‘career’ in the interests of world peace, but the details were somewhat sketchy. Just another empty election year promise. Of course, what would an Alonzo Bowden set be without racial humor, which he is cleverly able to turn inside out by talking about white trash – the one’s that white people hate when there’s no blacks around. And then in a truly beautiful Rodney King moment, he implores whites and blacks to get along so we can keep a lookout for the Latino. Hispanics are growing so fast so THEY are going to steal February’s month-long (well it is a month…technically) festival of culture, history and bitchin’ about the man away from blacks and leave them with Cinco de Negro.
RATING: Very funny, too and consistently funny through the whole show. Honestly, his personal story is so compelling I hope he wins. It is SO hard to afford good drugs as a second rate stand up comic.

Jay announces that he is off the get a Rolaid during the commercial break (two steps ahead of you there, pal) and then One Final Time we are told in excruciating detail that even a homicidal retard could understand, how to vote for the ultimate winner in a show that we will likely never get to see.

Thanks for watching everybody. Enjoy Pride of the Lions and Joey. NBC is a network on the move.

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