Survivor: Vanuatu - Episode 4 Summary

'Nice Grapefruits!' By Devious Weasel

The sexual tension between Twila and Mia was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Rory and Sarge have the same problem. Jeff surprises everyone by announcing that two people will be voted off. John K. momentarily appeared to have a clue. Mia and John P. ended up partying together at Loser Lodge. Fourteen remain: Who will go home tonight?

Cue opening credits and opening commercials.

Commercials: Sorry. Not going to do it. First off, Landru and Joisey are much better at it than me. Second, I’m actually watching a tape of the Saturday night broadcast, not the Thursday. So there may be different comm…Hey! When did they change voices on the Yellow M&M? Sigh. Okay. Arm and Hammer for stinky cats. Listerine shooting out a stream of blue goo. Neutrogena facial peel, and we all know the standard joke to make upon hearing the word facial. Three guys fishing for cell phones, well, not actually fishing for cell phones, but three guys fishing in an ad trying to sell cell phones. CSI: Clueless. The CBS Tuesday lineup, featuring shows I will never, ever, ever, EVER consider watching.

Okay, no more commercials after that. I promise.

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We open at Yasur at night, where once again we have to deal with someone switching allegiance at tribal council. Eliza, in confessional, starts grousing about Lisa switching her vote, which is the exact same thing Eliza did the night before. Lisa, in confessional, states that she just feels better off with the older women’s alliance. Hmmm, maybe that’s because YOU’RE THE SECOND OLDEST PERSON IN THIS VERSION OF SURVIVOR! I feel my hate beginning to build toward Lisa. We cut back to Eliza’s confessional, where she is still complaining. She states that all she wants is a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air, with one enormous chair. Right. Like that would be loverly. She continues to complain as we cut to Scout going to bed (trust me, it’s not as bad as you just imagined). We close this segment with Eliza again at confessional, talking about how she is never going to trust Lisa.

Now, our resident confessional analysts, Krautboy and Corvis, would state that Eliza gets so many confessionals because she is our Yasur narrator. That may be the case. But I think it’s because she talks so much there is hardly ever any time left to shoot anyone else in confessional. I think the only way they were able to get other confessionals was by setting up a dummy camera with an inflatable doll standing in as the cameraman. I think that somewhere in the South Pacific, Eliza is still sitting in front of a rock talking to this “cameraman”, kinda like those Japanese soldiers that were found in the Pacific still believing World War II was being fought even though it had ended years earlier.

Over at Lopevi, Rory and Chris are talking about Rory getting votes the night before. Rory seems concerned while talking to Chris, but in confessional he states that he feels part of a strong alliance and that he doesn’t have any worries.

Pardon me a digression. Now, I know some people say that Vanuatu is boring. But it’s early yet. We got spoiled with All-Stars by having people we knew and already had a rooting interest in, and by Pearl Islands, which had a great cast. But remember, at this point in Survivor: Amazon we still thought Heidi was doable and that Matt was a psychotic loner. So we were only half-right there.

But I digress.

Back to tribes, and back to treemail, and back to a Reward Challenge.

The reward? A visit from a mysterious stranger. Jeff calls for the stranger to come out. Lo and behold, out steps Rupert! Both tribes fall upon him with makeshift knives, killing him and stripping the meat from his bones for sustenance. Take that CBS!

Sorry, it wasn’t Rupert. I’m glad too, cause if it had been, that would have been it for me. Last one to leave Survivor turn the lights out. Rather, the mysterious stranger is

Colin! (If you aren’t an Amazing Race viewer, insert your own Cat Stevens joke here. Go ahead. We’ll wait.) As Colin jumps out of the Vanuatu cab, he makes the hook ‘em horns sign with both hands, cries out “This is EXTREME!”, then refuses to pay the driver, arguing that the trip was unsafe. He looks at the tribes and immediately begins to denigrate Julie by criticizing her clothes, her alliance, her work ethic and skills, her luxury item, and adds insult to injury by inadvertently calling her Christie several times. He then breaks down crying, telling her she is the only one for him. Julie declares her love for him and states that she hopes they can someday run a worldwide race together because Colin seems to be the sort of man who really knows how to control an ox.

Sadly, none of that is true. Or True. (For one thing, it didn’t say anything about the Cardinals.) What is true is that the mysterious visitor is Daw, and he will help the winning tribe learn how to survive in the jungle, which apparently none of them tried to figure out how to do back home after they found out they were selected for Survivor. I mean, c’mon! Would it kill you to do a little basic research? If I were selected, I’d spend my days surfing the Internets, checking out books from the library, practicing survival skills.

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