Love Cruise - Episode 1 Summary

'Toni's Got A Squeeze Box She Wears On Her Chest' By shakes the clown

TONI’S GOT A SQUEEZE BOX SHE WEARS ON HER CHEST

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Well, finally the wait is over....LOVE CRUISE is here! And after such a stellar array of reality shows such as Boot Camp, Murder in Small Town Why? and Slutbag Island, how can we not be eagerly anticipating this latest offering from the FUX network? So, the show begins with some cheesy narration that is so monotone and verbally pointless that it almost makes you want to go out and buy Obsession or Eternity. Then comes the opening credits where the theme is "Survivor rip-off" and the music would best be described as elevator spy music, slightly intriguing yet slightly sleepy as well.

Okay, on to the show itself.......we start out with shots of the newest batch of attention starved media whores being ferried out to the boat by dingy in the port city of St. George in Grenada. Throughout these opening shots we get the a sampling of voice overs from the contestants explaining what the show is all about...basically, find ideal mate, blah blah blah, vote people off blah blah blah, last couple standing blah blah blah ultimate survivor.....stop me if any of this sounds a tad familiar.

The contestants gather around the main deck where they are greeted by Julie McCoy’s cheesy twin brother, Cruise Director Justin who tells the future castaways that the first game they have to participate is called flash dating, which consists of each whore getting to know each other for a period of six minutes and then moving on to the next whoremate. I don’t understand why this is called flash dating since I get the feeling that with 80% of these vapid self centered losers six minutes is about as long of a relationship as they’ve ever had. I should point out that all of the whoremates are wearing blue and baby blue tank tops with their names written on the front which I’m guessing is just a coincidence. As the camera zooms in on a random whoremate you can just barely make out the fine print at the bottom of the shirts which read "If lost return to......" So, they’re not the smartest bunch, but at least they were apparently able to dress themselves which already puts this crop one large step ahead of Temptation Island.....remember Sean the masseuse and his difficulty with shirts? No, well I guess you wouldn’t. In fact, its pretty sad that I do.

As the frantic flash dating begins we get to meet some of our new contestants through random interview clips. First up is Lisa, a 33 year old (yeah right) management consultant who says, "I want a man who is financially secure. So, if there is anyone out there who fits that description I can be reached at Lisa@golddigger.com ." Okay, so I added that last part myself, sue me.

Toni is a 27 year old personal trainer, which in reality TV terms means that she tends bar and once had a membership to her local Bally’s. We all know Toni by now because, up until the September 11th terrorist attacks, the commercial with her eyes bugging out of her head like a Ren and Stimpy video was that scariest image America had ever seen on television. Toni says, "I’m a little bit dramatic and a little bit crazy." No, really?

Laura is a 21 year old photographer which all of us reality tv veterans know means that she once bought a disposable camera and was able to figure out how to work the flash all by herself. Says Laura, "I require a lot of attention." No way, a media whore who craves attention. Say it isn’t so!

Michael is a 30 year old ambulance chaser. Says the lawyer, "I was always huge, I used to weigh 250 pounds and then one day I just decided that I was sick of looking like that and I decided to lose the weight." Uhm Micow, when exactly is that day gonna come cause by the looks of things, you ain’t quite there yet. Also, hate to break it to you, but that guy Jarrett from Subway already cornered that market so you’re going to have to come up with a new shtick if you’re looking for an endorsement contract. One look at this idiot lets us know that he is the train wreck portion of the cast.....he’s covered in a layer of sweat and his body is splotched from head to toe with so many red and white spots from apparently not knowing how to put on sun screen that he looks like a picnic table cloth. During the flash dating Lisa and Micow reenact a scene from Fiddler on the Roof as they both reveal to each other their full fledged membership in the uhmm, Tribe.

Anthony is a 27 year old aspiring screenwriter, which we all know really means, "better keep waiting tables cause its never gonna happen." Anthony wants a girl who is smart, but looks like a Barbie doll. Don’t we all...well, except for the smart part.

After the flash dating Justin informs the whoremates that it is time to choose a partner. The guys must stand in a circle (no, not that kind of circle you sicko) and when Justin blows his cattle call sounding whistle, the girls must run and stand next to the guy they want to be with. Of course this could lead to a situation where one guy might have to choose between more than one girl and some pathetic loser of a guy (gee, wonder who) might get stuck standing alone for what might seem like hours and hours until he just wants to painfully crawl out of his own skin and let his mucus-like remains seep in between the floor boards until the only thing left in his place is a puddle of goo and bones. But, I wouldn’t know anything about that, right?

So, in typical Bringing More Poseurs tradition we are treated to some clever (not) foreshadowing as Gina tells us that she is worried what will happen if she chooses the same guy as someone else and Lisa prays to all things good and holy in the world that she does NOT end up with Micow. Micow on the other hand is certain of his fate, "I know before I even get on this boat that I am not going to get picked." Now, there’s the lack of self confidence that we love to see in our reality shows contestants. And of course, as the girls start to pick the guys they want, who is left standing all alone with a grin that reads "yes, I am well aware of the fact that I am a loser", why its Micow of course. And then we are thankfully given a three minute pardon from his miserable plight as we are shipped off (sorry, really bad pun) to commercials.

Back from commercials we learn that Micow is not alone in his loserness as Adrian, a 33 year old artist (whatever) is also without a date for the prom. On the other side of the spectrum is Darin, who has three girls to choose from, Toni, Gina and Tomiko. Darin explains in an interview that he, "went with the person that I had the best conversation with during the six minute flash dating." Translation......the girl with the biggest boobs. So, Darin grabs a hold of Toni (better use both hands) leaving a scorned Gina to bitch and moan about it for the next 60 minutes. Oh sorry, didn’t mean to give away the rest of the episode.

Meanwhile, Anthony is caught in a similar predicament as Lisa, Laura and Melissa (who? I assume she gets to talk next episode) are all looking to hand him their dowry. To make matters more complicated, Tomika runs over to join in the mix. Cut to an interview where the not at all insecure Lisa has already accepted her loser fate even before Anthony makes his decision, "There are a lot of blondes with big boobs and not professional and I think if the guys are going to have to make a choice, I might be screwed, not literally of course." Uhm Lisa, hate to point out the obvious, but you do realize that this show is on the FUX network don’t you? Who’d you expect to find on the show with you, a bunch of fat, middle aged women and guys with receding hairlines and goiters? Well, I guess Lisa knows what she’s talking about because Anthony doesn’t hesitate to pass her over in favor of Ansel Adams Laura.

Topeka ends up selecting Adrian who responds in an interview, "the person I end up with didn’t pick me. She picked someone else and then she picked me so I guess on this ship I’m not really a playa." Uhm, hate to burst your bubble, but she picked TWO people before getting stuck with your ass. Oh well, I guess they must not have much of a math department at Playa Community College.

This leaves Lisa and Gina as the only remaining unclaimed ho’s....they both flock over to Kenny G rather than pair up with Micow, can’t say that I blame em. By the way, what the hell is Mr. G doing on this show, I thought Halfass Celebrity Love Cruise wasn’t scheduled to air until next season? Actually. this show’s been pushed back so many times that it already is NEXT season. So anyway, Kenny G’s long lost twin brother, Sideshow Bob sticks with Ms. Bitter, who is still bitching and moaning about getting dissed by Darin. Oh wait, I guess I could stop mentioning that since she is gonna do it all episode anyway. To make my job easier just assume that anytime I mention Gina she is in the process of being a bitter, miserable human being, but hey, we all got to have hobbies, right?

Least-a, rejected yet again, does her best dead man walking impersonation as she shuffles lifelessly over to accept her fate next to Micow. As the couples begin to select their cabins for the next few days, Least-a ignorantly complains to Micow about being rejected twice which is about as ridiculous as complaining to a starving Somalian that you’re a little hungry because you were running late for work and were only able to have one bowl of cereal at breakfast.

As the couples are shown to their respective cabins we get various shots of each couple settling in. Sideshow Bob points out an amazing discovery to Gina, "you know what I just realized, there’s a camera in the room." Wow, really? Imagine that, a camera on a TV show, what ever will they think of next?

Adrian lays down the rules of the house to Tolanqua, Tomika, Tosheba, whatever the hell her name is. It’s too early to care, and besides, we all know how "those" people do on reality shows, so why even bother learning their names. Oh shut up, you were all thinking the same thing. Anyway, Adrian "explains" to Tobego that she needs to get her ass up to the top bunk, but not before she whips him up a turkey pot pie and massages his aching corns.

Gina, the bitter one, slams the connecting door to her cabin in Darin and Toni’s face. Toni explains in an interview, "because I have plastic surgery she categorized me as, probably a bimbo." Probably? Also, I don’t think calling those things plastic surgery really does them justice. It looks more like the doctor plugged her into the old DigDug video game and started talking she did that whole hold up your hands and make the quotations sign...does anyone else absolutely hate when people do that or am I alone on that one?

Next up is a look into the leper cabin as Micow and Least-a are trying to console each other. Says Least-a in an interview, "I was very insecure growing up and when I was eight years old some boys barked at me because i was so ugly and that kind of thing stays with you." Uhm, no it doesn’t. Call me crazy and maybe I’m being a little rash, but it might be time to get over it. Micow, ever the smooth talker, tells her "were going to have a great time....starting in like two minutes. Now break out the Manischevitz." I don’t even really know what to say to that, so I’m gonna just move onto our next victims, Anthony and Laura.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Laura, in an interview, states that, "Anthony’s the mysterious type and I’m attracted to that." Maybe I’m a little off here, but I’m starting to get the impression that the concept of instant soup is mysterious to Laura.

Now comes the greatest scene in the whole episode where Tony, a 27 year old carpenter, takes a turn at consoling Lisa, which basically amounts to him telling her that the reason she didn’t get picked is because she is old and divorced. Of course Lisa erupts in tears at hearing this to which the easily confused Tony (damn I hate these same name things that FOX always makes us deal with...remember Boot Camp? Me neither, but they had the same thing there and it sucked)...so anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, as Least-a bursts into tears Tony has this look on his face that reads, what would Ditka and Da Beers do right now?. Finally, after some much needed awkward silence he offers up, "Uhm, do you want me to go somewhere else?" Good one, buddy, smooth as always.

Back from commercials, Gina turns the bitter-meter down from 95% to only 80% when she says, "I think the power couple is Anthony and Laura." You know, I never thought of it, but I guess that makes sense now that Tom and Nicole broke up. Then, Gina blatantly lies with this bit of false praise for the early Love Cruise front runners, "I think they totally had an instant connection and I think its awesome and I wish them the best." Sure you do.

Laura states about her new bestest beau in a private interview, "today when we were snorkeling he like grabbed me and kissed me. He seemed to be forward and I’m attracted to that." Good for you Laura, of course where I come from some people might call that same scenario " sexual assault", but to each her own.

**WARNING***WARNING***WARNING******Alliance alert!

That’s right kids, this reality show isn’t even 20 minutes old yet and it appears as if our first alliance has broken out. The alliance consists of Gina, Lisa and Tapioca and they celebrate their little group by parading around in the exact same black bikinis while griping about the size of Toni’s uhm, plastic surgery. To keep everything nice and easy, we’ll refer to them as the "Small Breasted Black Bikini Bitches." Says ringleader Gina, "were kind of more reserved and quiet as opposed to Toni and the other blonde girls. They are a little bit more loud and obnoxious and they need a lot of attention and honestly its quite annoying." Let’s see here...blonde, obnoxious, needs a lot of attention. Uhm Gina honey, I think next time you’re at Target you might want to pick up a mirror. Gina continues to grouse over Toni’s surgically enhanced torso by wondering to Lisa if the surgery makes Toni buoyant.

Next up, Justin, who is kind of a cheesed up combination of Jeff Probst and Chuck Wohlery, explains to the whoremates that today they are going to play the Hot Seat, which is basically a souped up version of truth or dare. Wow, FUX is really pulling out all the stops here. What’s next, prime time spin the bottle or maybe 60 seconds in the closet, although the latter may not be a good idea cause judging by the looks of some of these male contestants, I’d say half of these fairies are already in the closet to begin with.

Well, before the Hot Seat begins all the whoremates must go into the Booth, which is this show’s version of the standard Boring Monotonous Props confessional as seen on Real World. In the Booth, each contestant asks an anonymous question of one of their fellow whoremates. The three people with the most questions asked of them will be called up to the Hot Seat. The cast members not on the Hot Seat sit in directors chairs on the promenade deck, each equipped with a ping pong paddle (don’t ask why, I still don’t know). If the whores are satisfied with the answer given on the Hot Seat, they show the black side of the ping pong table, and the contestant is off the hook. But, oh and things get really crazy here, if the cast members are not satisfied with the answer, they show the other side of the paddle which has the initials B.S. written on it. BS stands for Balls of Shame and....you know what, this is way too stupid to bother explaining so I’m gonna stop right here. If you saw the damn show, you know what the rules are so this is redundant and unnecessary anyway and if you didn’t see it and have no idea what I am talking about, you ain’t exactly missing a big part of the plot if you can’t figure out the intricate Hot Seat rules.

So anyway, we get some shots of people in the Booth asking their questions.....Ralph, the show’s resident cocky gumba, asks Anthony if he has ever lied to a woman for sex. Wait a second, you mean there’s another way? Go figure. Lisa asks Toni what’s it like to be looked at like a whore all the time. And the lovely Gina pouts once again as she asks Darin why he picked Toni instead of her.

Up on the Promenade Deck, things get under way as Justin informs the whoremates that Ralph will be the first contestant on the Hot Seat. Ralph is asked if he could only have sex with one of the girls on the show, which one would it be and why. Ralph displays his displeasure in the fact that he only gets to sleep with one of the girls, then he shocks the cast by making Lisa the lucky lady. As a startled Lisa looks on, Ralph explains his decision, "she kind of fits a prim and proper type of girl and I would just MESS YOU UP!." As the cast cracks up Ralph smiles at Lisa with a blank, vacant look on his face the likes of which has not been seen since the days of Theodore Bundy.

Anthony is next and nobody is buying his answer so he is forced to do a dare. His dare is to "kiss someone like you mean it." Yawn. He ends up calling up Laura and the two engage in the most awkward looking kiss since Michael Jackson and Elvis’s kid at the MTV Awards. Darin is next and he proceeds to put everyone in the audience to sleep with his "from the gut" stand up guy answer. Toni hops into the chair next and gives the standard "its my choice and my money so I did what I got to do" in response to the fake boob question while the camera pans to Gina who gives us no less than 3 dirty looks during the scene. Toni, in an interview explains the growing tension between the two (Gina and Toni, not the boobs silly), "Gina has gone out of her way to look at me because I made the decision to have plastic surgery as a bimbo." Uhm, are there any decisions you don’t make as a bimbo? Just wondering that’s all.

Then more shots of Gina looking really ugly and petty while talking about the only thing she knows, Toni’s fake boobs. As she tells the rest of the Small Breasted Black Bikini Bitches, "there’s a reason why you focus on the exterior, because there’s a problem on the inside. That’s why I don’t want a boob job, because I’m a happy person on the inside. It’s not affecting me." Oh yeah, not at all affecting you...why on Earth would we ever get that idea.

Next up we learn that there is another huge brawl brewing, although this one is not quite as important on a global scale as the boob job debate as this dispute only deals with Anthony’s uglyass tattoos. Wow, good to see this show isn’t at all going to be populated by typically ridiculously shallow people. Anyway, turns out Sideshow Bob has a problem with Anthony’s tatts. I don’t know, but if I had hair like that I probably wouldn’t be railing on anyone else for anything they decided to do with their body and appearance. Apparently, Sideshow made fun of Anthony’s tattoos by calling them cliche. Anthony responds in an interview, "when somebody puts permanent art work on their body its kind of difficult not to take in personal when somebody implies that maybe you haven’t really thought out what you’ve done." Artwork? Are you kidding me? They’re so damn ugly it looks like he got into a head on collision with a truck full of Dutch Boy.

Next up, we find out that in order to cut corners, FUX is forcing the cast members to help out with some of the crew work, including raising the sails. We get a shot of some random cast members pulling on the ropes and then a nice closeup of Darin and one of the native Carribean crew members working hand in hand. Oh wait, my bad, that’s not a crew member, its Jeanette. Honest mistake.

As the sails raise, we get a shot of Sideshow isolated at the back of the boat performing his Oscar clip, staring contemplatively (I know its not a word) off into the Carribean sunset as the music of his poor breaking heart plays in the background. Very touching. Not. At. All.

That night, Anthony performs what very well might be the worst poem EVER as his fellow whoremates, too numb from the 14 straight hours of drinking to care, try their hardest not to laugh right in his face. I mean seriously, the thing is so bad it makes the typical Hallmark greeting card writer look like T.S. Elliot. Says a very sweaty Michael in an interview, "you’ve got Anthony looking like an absolute clown up there talking in circles like he’s Aristotle or something." Ha. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Down in her cabin, Gina pulls a Katherine from Boot Camp by faking that she is sick Says Gina, "I hope everyone doesn’t think I’m being miserable and bitchy to them. It’s hard when you’re not feeling well. I have not been myself at all." Uhm, seem like a pretty good representation to me.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

DAY 2

As the whoremates catch some rays Michael informs us that, "its kind of like the honeymoon period right now, but tomorrow at this time there’s gonna be two empty seats at breakfast and everyone’s gonna know it." Hey Mike, judging by how you’ve been doing with the ladies so far, I don’t think you’re really going to have to do to much worrying about honeymoons in your future.

Later that night, dinner is served below deck in the dining room, but Sideshow and Gina stay on top of the boat so Gina can get some fresh air. In order to make her uhm, sickness, look more believable she feasts on hard rolls (hand fed by Bob) and ginger ale. Sideshow explains to Gina that he gave up a great job to go on the Love Cruise and hopefully meet the girl of his dreams. As Gina tells him that he made the right decision, Sideshow explains, "I never regret any decisions I make." I bet he regrets the decision he made yesterday when he picked this sad sack of crap to be his partner, but more on that later.

Through some random interviews we learn that the impending vote is on everyone’s minds. Toyota says in the Booth that, "I’m dreading the vote tomorrow." Adrian dances around the subject of who he is going to vote for with this pearl of wisdom, "If I had to vote someone off I would only vote for the people who didn’t seem like they were having a nice time." Michael is a little more direct with his comments about the vote, "plain and simple, someone’s got to go and it’s a lot easier to vote off the person you don’t see as opposed to the people you are hanging out and laughing with till two in the morning." Then, we cut to a shot of Michael and Lisa in their cabin where Michael reveals his strategy, "my plan is, I’m never going to be the first person to go to bed. I’m going to stay up until everybody goes to bed and keep building those relationships." Wow, the old stay up late strategy, aren’t you the brilliant one.

DAY 3

First thing in the morning, Justin explains how the vote is going to work...basically, the guys get together and openly discuss which ho is out the doe while the sluts are on the other side of the boat deciding which guy to toss. As the guys make their way to deliberate, Michael voice overs that, "all my life I’ve put up with first impressions and all my life people have read me wrong. If I can make it past the first vote that’s coming up I know that people will come around to me." Gee, I wonder if he’s gonna slide by this time, I’m so on the edge of my seat! Not.

Ralph starts out the voting by equating Gina to a corpse which really isn’t too far from the truth.

On the girl’s side of the island, Mandy and Valerie get into a big fight about that time Mandy licked Johnny’s nipple and...oh wait, sorry, wrong show. Gina tries to apologize to Toni for her conduct which really doesn’t make too much sense....someone ought to tell Gina that the girls are voting out a guy, not her. She might want to make that speech to the guys instead. Well, anyway, the girls are trying to decide between Sideshow Bob, who’s only crime is that he hung around with Gina all week, and Adrian, who comes off as a little to cocky for these uptight broads. The best part is when Gina makes a plea for the girls to give Sideshow another chance cause he’s such a great guy....and then we cut to the guys where Sideshow is laying out about 65 reasons supported by a multi colored pie chart as to why Gina should not only be voted out, but also chained to a block of concrete and then dropped to the bottom of the Carribean Sea. Adrian responds, "damn, was she really that bad?" I guess we’ll all have to cite to the guy that actually got stuck with her for three days and take Sideshow’s word on that one.

The cast gathers up on top of the boat where Adrian starts us off by announcing that Gina has been tossed. Toni follows suit by sending Sideshow Bob back to prison. (what, did you think I would go the whole summary without tying in the Simpson reference?) Of course, thanks to the brilliant people at FUX.com and their "timely" release of episode #1 photos including the one with the caption that read, "Bob and Gina on their way to Aruba, the King and Queen of Loser Island", you all already knew how this was gonna turn out. Gina tells Adrian before she leaves that if she wasn’t sick and stuck in her room so much the vote would’ve turned out differently. You know, she’s probably right cause if those guys had to deal with her annoying ass any more than they already did they probably would’ve skipped the vote altogether and just booted her ass off the boat while it was moving, preferably with sharks around.

Bob and Gina are shipped off in a dingy where Gina says regarding the vote, "because we were coupled up I think a lot of it had to do with me too, but most of it was your fault." Bob (and the rest of America I would assume) responds with a look that reads "what color is the sky in your world you stupid bitch?!?!"

Back on the boat, we are treated to our first version of what I am sure will be many more displays of fake tears as Toni cries over the loss of Gina and Bob, two people that she must really have cared a lot about. Whatever. Andrea (who?) and a crew person (oh wait, that’s Jeanette again) console her by telling her that, "its just the first vote, its only going to get a lot worse."

Wait, that can’t be the end of the show! What about the scene where Toni gets all bug-eyed and psycho on the beach?!?! You mean I actually have to keep watching this crap?

By the way, if any of you are near your local police department this week, please fill out missing person reports for Melissa, Jeanette, Greg and Andrea cause they were nowhere to be found in this episode, that’s for sure. So much for spreading the air time around. Well, the good news for them is that we only have to wait 24 hours to be tortured with this crap again as FUX is trying to make this show the "Roots" of the 21st century by putting it on just about every day. So much for building the intrigue.

Till tomorrow.........

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