Temptation Island 1 - Episode 4 Summary

'Bye, Bye Ytossi And Taheed' By shakes the clown

As usual, this piece of crap starts with the obligatory recap speech, you know the one...”4 couples, adventure of a life time, media=whore singles, blah blah blah” And then we are treated to the usual assortment of slow motion flashbacks...remember that time when Lisa, that fat bitch from Alabama, jumped into Billy’s arms and remember when Johnny said something about stuff, and remember when Andy sat on a chair and said something but you weren’t paying attention cause all you could notice was how close together his legs were to each other, like he either has no balls or he learned how to do that “I’d ##### me” trick from “Silence of the Lambs”. Okay, I’ll shut up now..back to the summary, or maybe I should actually go ahead and start the thing.

DAY 6

After losing the first immunity challenge the Kuccchaa tribe is feeling the pressure to come through at today’s challenge. Said Kimmi, “My castmates have a little more at stake than I do cause it doesn’t really matter if I get immunity cause I’m already a carrier.”

Okay, I’m really sorry..I promise that there will be no more Survivor references in this summary. Now back to the drama that is.........DUH DUH DUH....Temptation Island!

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Day 6

After losing the first immu....just kidding.

Billy’s pissed cause he finally realized that his girlfriend is a good for nothin whore. Bitches! Now where was I, oh yeah, something about how all women are whores, who ruin your life and sleep with your best friend and 2 of your 4 brothers and then they steal your stereo along with all your CD’s including the ##### she doesn’t even listen to like NOFX and The Sex Pistols and ............uhmmmm, remind me to delete that before I post this, just a little bit of a tangent there.

Okay, back to the big show, let’s see, Billy’s pissed, Mandy sucks, so Billy does what any red blooded American would do........runs straight to Big Bird’s cabana for a wild threesome with BB and Snuffalufagus (If anyone tells me that I misspelled that, ##### you). I mean, have you taken a good look at that Vanessa broad...the only reason she wears a cowboy hat is cause it’s the only hat (besides a full out sombrero) that will provide shade for that deformed mound on her face she sometimes calls her nose.

So basically, as usual on this piece of crap show, NOTHING HAPPENS.

DAY 7

VIDEO MESSAGES ARRIVE!!! VIDEO MESSAGES ARRIVE!!!

Billy’s video to Mandy: “I know you’re a whore, but with a BLACK guy...on national TV..don’t you know I’m from Atlanta, now I can never go home.”

Mandy’s video to Billy: Who cares?

Valerie’s video to Kaya: I can’t tell you what she said cause everytime she opens he mouth and let’s that horrific monotone voice spew out I instantly fall asleep, often hitting my head on the table as it crashes lifelessly to the floor.

I awaken to a sound that has become all too familiar on these cold and lonely Wednesday nights in front of the television.....it’s the sound of Andy making as ass out of himself everytime he tries to talk. “Hi honey, just wanted you to know that I’m taking your advice and trying to screw every FOX-paid slut this sound stage, errr I mean Island, has to offer. So, you have fun .”

Ytossi & Henry:

Why are they even following this couple around anymore...I’m pretty sure they broke up about 2 years ago. But don’t worry, we won’t have them to kick around for much longer. Shhhhh, that was a spoiler hint wink-wink.

So Ytossi, who I just realized has absolutely no breasts, goes for a walk on the beach with Goose. Goose, who has gone on ZERO dates and gotten ZERO airtime needs to do something desperate to save his media=whore star before it fizzles out completely, so he decides to rat out Ytossi for having a kid. Before ratting out Ytossi, Goose decides to give her the same advice that Richard Dreyfus gave Bill Murray by telling her that she should “step away from her problems.” Deep.

Later that day the show’s producer, Jeff Bagwell decides to have a peace summit between the Bloods and the Crips, oh wait, those aren’t gangsters, that’s just Ytossi and Taheed, looking all gansta’d up with the dew (sp? How white am I?) rags hanging low over the eyes. Mr. Bagwell tells the ill-fated “couple” that this is their lucky day......the top execs from FOX want to do a made for TV movie about how they left their kid at home alone and how he ended up out smarting a couple of cuddly robbers in a rambunctious romp filled with hilarious hijinx! Actually, the tribe has spoke (sorry) and Ytossie and Gervase are given the option of returning home to take care of their 2 year old son, OR to travel to an adjacent island where they can continue their media=whoring, complete with their very own camera crew!! Do I even need to tell you what they decided to do?

Quote of the night!!!!

Ytossi: “..and I chose to go ahead and deal with the situation.”

Yeah, you dealt with the situation by avoiding it and running off to another island, AND the only reason you even “dealt” with it is cause you got your dumb ass busted.” Alright, off the soapbox Shakes.

Then they all say good-bye blah blah blah, oh wait, Kaya talks....I love when they inadvertently let this happen. He gives Taheed the great, original advice of “do what’s right for you....listen to your heart....a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush....do you want frys with that?”

AND NOW........The often-sought yet ever-elusive TRIPLE DATE, almost as rare as the “perfect game” and “hitting for the cycle”. I’m not gonna bother explaining the rules cause it’s way too stupid to even waste any more of your time than I already have...so basically, all the girls go out with their dates in one big group and the fellas do the same with their sluts. Let’s see, Johnny keeps dousing himself with water for no reason whatsoever, Valerie looks like she is about to fall asleep as usual, and just like clockwork, Andy makes an ass of himself by announcing to America that he is giving Venus the old fashioned pity date. There may not be a bigger idiot on television right now.

Moving on, we start with the girls’ dates. Uhmmm, Mandy wants to ##### Tom. Billy likes Megan. And here comes Andy! Andy, who has a 5 YEAR relationship with “she’s no Perry Mason” Shannon, has somehow laid a claim to Megan, the ex-Laker girl who is a classic “butter face”. That’s right, the other guys don’t want to make a run at Megan cause she is Andy’s woman. Of course, we all remember Andy and Megan’s wonderful moments together, like the time that they went on a date and she obviously couldn’t stand his annoying ass, but he didn’t notice cause he was too busy dry humping her legs the entire time.

So, Andy’s on a date with Venus, but he won’t shut up about Megan, “If you could make a list of everything I look for in a woman, its Megan. Of course, 3 days ago it was Carla and 5 days ago I said it was Elizabeth.” And because Andy is such a sweetheart, he has some nice things to say about Venus as well..”Venus was boring, she was just kind of ehhh.”

Okay, I’ve got to stop cause something is just driving me nuts........ANDY, NEXT TIME YOU GO ON A REALITY TV SHOW, DON’T WEAR YOUR SUNGLASSES ALL DAY LONG. NICE RACOON EYES YOU FUCCKING DIPSH!T

There, that feels much better.

Oh my god, stop the presses, Kaya just described Megan as “beautiful, intellectual, sensitive and sexual”. I don’t know about you, but having Kaya call someone “intellectual” carries about as much weight as if Ray Charles told you that you were a good driver.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT #2

Kaya talking to Yowanda: “ In a perfect place we dance around and its like whenever you want to leave you leave and whenever you want to come you come. It’s all good. Everybody’s happy that way.” What the ##### was that supposed to mean?????? Uh, someone page Timothy Leary and tell him he left one of his kids in the parking lot. Why does this guy even try to talk???

Later on that night, everyone goes dancing and what the hell is that, why it’s Valerie waking up for the first time in 4 weeks of prime-time TV. What else, oh yeah, all the girls love Tom, who cares?

Back to the star of the show, Racoon boy. He takes the opportunity to insult Venus one more time, calls it the worst date of his life, thinks Venus is an unappealing waste of time.....and then he still takes the time to MOLEST HER on the dance floor. What is wrong with this guy? First, he can’t stop rubbing Megan, then he’s groping Carla and now he’s all over Venass (get it?) This guy is a Serial Molester....like one of those guys who rides the subway when its rush hour so I can rub up against all the pretty young thangs on their way to work. Venass does have the line of the night when she calls Andy, “Panzy Andy”. I couldn’t agree more.

BONFIRE TIME!

This parts so gay so I’ll do it quick (yeah right). The guys decide that there is not enough whores on the island so they decide to get rid of their “blocks” and be able to go out with all the girls. woo-hoo! Panzy Andy, and this part is sooooo funny, doesn’t want to do it and in a last ditch effort to convince the guys to NOT do it, he says “you guys realize that if we do this, the dates are going to get WAY more intense. Way more intense. This could RIP two people apart.” Of course, since I am the one writing the summary it is my job to tell you what is between the lines, i.e. the REAL reason Panzy Andy didn’t want to do it. Panzy Andy is a possessive jealous fucck who wants Megan all to himself even though he knows that she can’t stand him, he also knows that Megan really likes Kaya (why, I don’t know) and that Kaya is “blocked” from dating Megan.....so you see, Panzy Andy knows that if the “blocks” are removed. Megan will be all over Kaya and the only chance Panzy will have of getting some is if he uses force, and don’t think he isn’t thinking about it.

Now on to the videos.....Marky Mark has a 3 videos blah blah blah. The guys look at all 3, bunch of stuff going on, none of it interesting enough to write about. Panzy Andy remarks about Sean, the world’s most retarded masseuse, “that guy is such a chump.” Hello Kettle, this is Pot, you’re black. What else, oh yeah, there was one of Valerie falling asleep and falling into the hot tub, where she drowned. Jeff Bagwell replaced her for the remaining episodes with two 50 lb. bags of sand and a brown wig. Apparently, you can barely tell the difference.

The girls choose to watch all the videos as well, but not before the corpse formerly known as Valerie shows America the true depths of her insecurities when she is told that she has to vote (oh no, not that) on whether or not she wants to see the videos. It is soooo pathetic that I’m not even going to bother explaining it.

The first video is Panzy Andy and “look ma, no brain” Kaya talking about horses or something, it was too stupid to pay attention, plus I missed the first half of the scene cause I was busy cleaning the drool out of my keyboard that was a result of my latest Valerie-induced sudden slumber. Anyway, guess what, Mandy’s pissed. Shocker. Next video is Billy having a seizure while all the ladies clap in amusement. Mandy however, is not amused.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT #3

Mandy: “ I don’t think I’ve done anything to look trashy on television. He looked like a whore.”

Do I even need to touch this one?

Last video is more footage of Serial Killer Panzy Andy sizing up Megan....”First we covet, then we take.”

That about sums it up...a little more crying by Mandy (but her hair looks great!) Valerie talks, damn her! Mandy runs off into the bathroom to hide from the camera, but Panzy Andy follows her in and rubs her legs while she dabs her crying eyes with Elisabethbeth’s immunity headress.

THE END

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