The Amazing Race 7 - Episode 1 Summary

'Happies, Hillbillies, and Helplessness' By volsfan

Before I begin the summary I would like to take a moment for a few words. I want to say that it is a huge privilege to be able to tag-team with Jims to bring you the premiere episode of The Amazing Race 7 summary! I originally contacted Jims about a team approach and had it not been for him…I would have missed the chance to summarize this season. I don’t fair well in random draws! Thanks for taking this one with me Jims! With that in mind…let’s get to the good stuff!

Jims: "That's not fair! I want to summarize! I don't want to be stuck in italics for the whole summary!"

Vols: “No Silly, we are both going to take turns writing the summary!”

Jims: “So, does that mean you will be commenting during my section?”

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Vols: “Yes, I will respond with navy text.”

Jims: “I’m down with that. Let’s start the show!”

The Amazing Race 7 begins with Phil and his manboobs standing on the deck of The Queen Mary as she (The Queen Mary not Phil nor his manboobs) is docked in Long Beach Harbor in California. The race will begin in Long Beach with 11 teams participating. As Phil is talking about the race we see three helicopters transporting the 11 teams to the starting point. The helicopters land and we officially meet the teams:

Team Bro: Brian and Greg are brothers both living in California. Brian is a waiter and Greg is a bouncer. This means that Brian is a waiter at the bar where his bro works.

Jims: "Yawn. More waiters from the cultural cesspool that is L.A"

Team LLF 1 (Lifelong friends): Debbie and Bianca are lifelong friends. I guess they met in the hospital where they were born! Debbie lives in LA with Bianca living in Virginia and are photographer and school teacher respectively.

Jims: "Not only that, they're lifelong hotties."

Team Homo or the Happy Boys: Lynn and Alex are from WeHo (West Hollywood) and I think we have our first gay on reality TV with a daddy complex! Alex is 22 and Lynn is 30 and Alex has not come out to his family…Alex honey, don’t even break it to anyone gently, just go on national television and proclaim your love to another man!

Jims: "They're like this weird combination of Reichen/Chip and Rob/Brennan. That's a good sign."

 
Team Roomies: Megan and Heidi are roommates that are rumored to be huggy-kissy towards each other. They are from California where Megan is a fashion designer and Heidi is a full time mom. Ummm…could someone please tell me where I could find me a sugar daddy and to be able to be a stay at home mom?

Jims: "OK, now how about a contestant from one of the other 49 states?"

Team Grand parents: These senior citizens are ready to take on the world! Meredith and Gretchen are both retired and from Maryland. Meredith holds seven National Masters Swimming Championship titles. DAMN! Gramps can swim!

Jims: "What kind of mom would name their boy Gretchen?
...Huh? What's that you say?
I knew that."

Team Jonathan/Victoria Light: A young girl with a daddy complex! Is there a pattern here? Ray is 44 and Deanna is 27 and both are successful in the business world. However, is Ray as domineering as Jonathan? Only time will tell!

Jims: "Great. A combination of Freddy/Kendra and Jonathan/Victoria. Charming."

Team we are sick of you: They are back for 15 minutes of fame and we are so excited to see them…NOT! Are they STILL in the race? Entertainment Weekly is reporting in this week’s edition, ”Race 7 proves you can cast culturally and economically diverse folks and still deliver compelling reality TV. (Are you reading this Mark Burnett?) It almost makes us forgive the presence of Survivor’s Amber and Boston Rob, but not quite.” BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jims: "You really shouldn't slam Alison and Donny like that, Vols."

Team plain old Ron/Kelly: Ron and Kelly are from Georgia. I can’t make fun of this team because Ron was a POW from the Iraq war! I am so happy Ron made it back to his family and friends; I wish this team well in the race!

Jims: "They're going to lose. And the odds are, I'm right."

Team LLF 2: Looks like Ryan and Chuck met in the hospital when they were born as well! This sentence in their bio says it all, “Ryan enjoys riding motorcycles with his best friend Chuck and herding sheep with his dog Blue.” Maybe they should be team farmers.

Jims: "Not only that, they're lifelong... um... hillbillies"

Team Mom/Son: TAR’s first mother/son team! Susan has been married to Patrick’s dad for 37 years and Susan says that her family has always been supportive of their gay son. Patrick is from Los Angeles and I wonder if he has met up with the Weho couple before the race?

Jims: "He probably has. And the 5 other teams from L.A. Blech."

Team Token Minority: Uchenna (pronounced “you-chin-a”) and Joyce are a married couple from Texas. This team could be a time bomb. They both have recently lost their jobs due to accounting problems and they have been trying to get pregnant. They are doing to race to get closer as they seem to have drifted apart over these trying times. RUT RO!

Jims: "Nothing like a high-stress, fast-paced reality series to cure the tension"

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