American Idol 4 - Episodes 22 & 23 & 24 Summary

'Oops! (So) We did it Again!' By Spidey

American Idol Final 11 - Tuesday night - The first time.

The show opens with our host Ryan Seacrest, never one to disappoint, coming out looking as ridiculous as ever what I swore were leather pants (but upon further viewing appear to be over-pressed, shiny slacks) and “I *heart* expensive t-shirts” formalwear . (He gets the memo, cuz on Tuesday he wears a blazer to cover his smartass saying t-shirt.) Ryan gets us all fired up for the most difficult test yet. Yawn.

The sideshow act “judges” are relegated to their proper place and are barely even introduced. Paula and Simon are holding hands and they’re grinning like a couple of teenagers the morning after the prom. No time to waste letting them speak. 11 “Singers,” smarmy Ryan filler, and 45 minutes of Ford ads is a lot to cram into an hour show.

It's Billboard's #1 Hits night! Oooh, this could be good. Fred Bronson, author of the Billboard bible, tells us there are 930 songs to choose from!!! All top hits! The each got their own book. Plenty of time to look for something really unique, but well known. How could anyone go wrong with so many great songs to choose from? Brace yourselves, folks. As I have come to learn watching reality tv, anything is possible. This becomes painfully obvious approximately 35 minutes in and reaches peak crescendo at :44 after the hour. It’s not pretty – don’t say you weren’t warned. . Note to future Idol contestants, just because it was number one once, doesn’t mean it’s any good, nor does it mean you’ll sound any good doing it.

First up, Anthony Federov, singing Waiting for Me (Aretha Franklin/George Michael , 1987) because, as he tells us, something special really is waiting for him. I? Am not overly impressed. He's got chops alright but a few flat notes. Let’s put it this way: When the river was deep, he may not have faltered, but when the notes were deep, he did. And I could really have done without watching his hips pumping back and forth. It was seriously distracting me from staring at the scar on his neck.

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Randy pauses a moment to pick up the original artists' names, which he managed to drop, and declares, in relatively coherent English, that Anthony is BACK!

Paula says something encouraging. Does anybody really care what it was? And she has a bit of a glazed look over her eyes. Has she been imbibing before the show? Stay tuned...

It was merely “Ok” for Simon, who compared Anthony doing “sexy” to Randy appearing on Baywatch. Ouch.

If you want to vote for Anthony, dial 1-866-IDOLS-01. Go ahead. Spend two hours dialing frantically. It won’t matter a whit. But you don’t know that yet, so shhh.

Carrie Underwood is up next, singing Heart's 1987 hit Alone. What, was the Billboard book’s spine broken open on 1987? Not exactly what I would call a banner year for memorable quality music.

Girlfriend has really gotten into the spirit with the hairdo. I had hair like that in '87 and a yearbook photo to prove it. I am pretty sure I single-handedly created the hole in the ozone layer. Anyway, I'm relatively confident she'll look back 18 years from now and have the same reaction I had Tuesday night. Note to self: Join activist campaign to prevent the return of anything related to 80s fashion, ever.

And to accelerate the way back mobile, we get a Donnie Osmond sighting in the audience! Does Carrie remind anyone else of a blond Marie?

Randy claims she's unbelievable, and Paula plays the name-dropping game herself, proclaiming Carrie has done her friends the Wilson sisters proud. And she claps like a seal. What is up with that? I really think she's drunk.

Soothsayer Simon fast forwards from 1987 to 2007 and predicts Carrie will win the competition and outsell all of the other idols combined or some such nonsense.

We cut to a commercial and I believe I dozed off, briefly dreaming of driving my Ford truck with Sandra Bullock over to Sears to shop with Ty Pennington. Then we were thirsty, so we got some Coke with lime and used our Cingular cell phones to order the Fat Albert DVD, but not before checking the parental guidelines for the NAACP Image awards, where some bratty child announces he hates Nanny Jo. Weird dream, huh?

And we’re back, being actually introduced to Donny Osmond, who was in the audience to discover the rare breed he’s never seen – a number one hit. I’m glad they panned over him earlier. The excitement may otherwise have been too much.

Scott Savol now sings to us - Against All Odds (Phil Collins, 1984). Special Significance. Something his dad could relate too. Ouch. And I thought I had it bad with my dad.

I can't really comment on the quality of the vocals, I was too preoccupied with his swaying back and forth like a metronome. I was a little worried he was stuck, then I half wanted to give him a little shove to prove once and for all Weebles can fall down. Then, for either dramatic effect or because he’s endorsing laser eye surgery, he tossed his glasses away. And I know it’s too soon, but I can't help myself – I think Terri Schiavo has more personality than his guy.

The judges liked it. Randy said a whole lot of dawgman, the only portion of which I could understand was “On & Poppin,” and I use the term “understand” lightly. Paula says pretty much the same thing, only in English, more or less, saying Scott's “In it to win it,” before once again clapping like a seal. I wonder if Paula does other tricks? A ball on the nose would be great, so long as it covers her mouth. Simon braces us, saying he’s going to {gasp!} be honest! The vocal was not that good and he was glad the song wasn’t longer or we’d have had a full on striptease. You and me both, Simon, you and me both.

Bo Bice graces us with a New Bo (not to be confused with Newbie), and does Jim Croce's 1973 Time in a Bottle, and with clean hair even. Tuesday must have come around on the shower schedule again. Eh, I like Rocker Bo better. And what was that shirt? It looked like a Christian kaleidoscope. I’m not sure which I liked least, the shirt or the soul patch. Good grief, one or two more strokes with your razor and you’re clean shaven. Did you get distracted and just forget to finish?

Randy says the outfit is fly, and Bo was subdued. Paula thinks he's dreamy. Simon says Bo's the only competitor who doesn't seem like he's competing. Paula has apparently gotten a good buzz going and gives Simon the smooch of approval. Because his repeated rebuffs and restraining orders have failed to get the point across to Paula, Simon tried once again by telling Bo he and Paula have the same hair.

Commercial break. Did you ever actually sit and count commercials? Wow, there are a ton of em eh? Beauty Shop, Penneys, Halls Fruit Breezers, Blockbuster, … it just goes on & on. Of note, Reuben is guest-starring on the new Fox show Life on A Stick, as a singing hot dog vendor. If these are the types of gigs the Idol winner’s contract are made of, no wonder Mario ran like the wind.

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