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EPISODE SUMMARIES
The Bachelor 3 - Episode 3 Summary'An Indubitable Portrayal of The Bachelor' By FemmeOriginal Airdate: April 16, 2003
An Indubitable Portrayal of The Bachelor
I’m so excited and I have so very much to tell you about the past week. The other girls gave me a nickname: Tina Fabulous. Isn’t that fabulous? I so love it! But Tina-Chopped-Liver always rolls her eyes every time someone calls me that; I don’t get it. So, everything really got interesting when Kevin and Shannon showed up. Kevin is an old friend of Andrew’s and apparently Shannon is Kevin’s girlfriend. However, she used to date Andrew, I think. It wasn’t tremendously clear, but in any case, we call her Shannon-Sloppy-Seconds. Isn’t that fabulous? So, they sat us all down one by one to ask us some pressing questions. These other girls are so… what’s the word… unfabulous, though. I decided I would have to show them how it was done. I came out to my interview with that pretty scarf I bought when I went to the Antarctic and they really seemed to think it was fabulous. And you know what? It is pretty fabulous of me to wear a scarf on a warm day in Southern California. I’m just so fabulous.
Anyway, having a fabulous time. Love you,
Dear Gang, I hate this show! I hate these people! I wish I were blasted right now. Now that I’ve been eliminated, they’ve cut off the champagne and margaritas. Asses. Screw them. They don’t know I stuck a bunch of bottles of wine in my suitcase. So, that wiener Andrew took me on a date all by myself. We had to go ice-skating, which pissed me off since I was still soooooo drunk from the night before. But, I tried to make the best of it anyway. I kept trying to get Andrew talking but he just sat there like a lump and then he blamed me for it later. At one point he started talking about our kids and I was so grossed out. I mean, if I have kids I’ll get fat and plus you’re not supposed to drink and stuff, so forget that. But, whatever, ya know. Gawd, I need a beer. Anyway, ice-skating was a bust, the guy hates Olive Garden and he doesn’t talk. But, I’m still feeling that “vibe” ‘cause I’m kinda dumb and trusting that way, you know. So, we go home and I’m so happy I went the whole night without throwing up. Sounds like a dream date, ifyouknowwhatimean. Psha. Well, that first class a-hole didn’t give me a rose. What an effing jerk. Gawd, I hope you guys are ready for me. I am SO needing to get my drink on. The best part about leaving is at least I don’t have to be all prim and proper and be all like “No, thank you. I’ve had enough.” Ugh, that was so annoying holding myself in check. See ya soon. Later,
Dear Rick, Hey! Tell those boys at the lumberyard I’m coming back to work! Yeah, that’s right… pretty boy is sending me home. So, let me tell you about these ditzy girls. The bachelor ends up taking Anne-Michelle, Cristina and Liz to a Moroccan restaurant. The guys'll love this: he get them all to belly dance and somehow even convinced Liz the vegetarian to eat meat. It was great! Not only did they act like a bunch of weak submissives, they were stupid enough to come back and tell us all about it. Fools, huh? Oh, and get this. This guy is such a tool he kissed all three of the girls that night. Cristina got all mad and confronted him and he started going off on her. He was all “How can I tell who I want to marry if you guys don’t put out?” And she was all “Oh. Duh. Silly me. Sorry.” Can you believe it? The guys at the yard would think they were at Disneyland with all these easy morons around. Anyway, rev up the forklift; I’m coming back to reality. Tina-Chopped-Liver
Dear Mom and Dad, Hi! I’m so happy! I love Andrew! Like, so much. He’s totally my style. I even ate his meat! I’d do anything for him! I wonder if he has a bunny rabbit back home?! Amber makes me sad though. I’m so sad. She and I were like best friends and she betrayed me by not kissing and telling. I very nicely kept on asking her what had happened on their date and she wouldn't tell me anything. We even ended up fighting a little bit. All I wanted was an apology, but she never said squat. I think I’m going to cry. I’m so sad right now. Kirsten got a solo date with Andrew. I hate her! I’m so angry right now! ARGH! She’s such a little brat and she doesn’t want to make friends with any of us. God, I’m so mad! Why did Shannon and Kevin pick her? It’s not fair. She came back with jewels and stuff and I wanted to rip her head off. Makes me SOO angry. Die, Kirsten. DIE! But, I better wrap this up. Andrew actually touched me when he fed me the meat so I’m so happy I could float away. It’s like, nothing could mess me up now, you know? Birds are singing and the sun is shining and I’m so happy. Loving life (at least for this one brief moment in time),
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