Dancing with the Stars 1 - Episode 4 Summary

'Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board' By PhoenixMons

Tom via VO: Last week Evander sank out of the competition, while Rachel came in first and John fell out of the top spot, Kelly had her best performance (which is akin to George Bush’s “best” presidential address) and Joey narrowly escaped elimination.

Lisa: tonight for the first time, they’ll perform the same dances so you really can compare them head to head (I’d make a non PG-13 joke here, but that might get me banned and then you wouldn't get to endure enjoy my summaries ever again!

Tonight they’re performing two dances, everyone’s raising their game…

Okay, to clear things up (and to show how incredibly ridiculous the producers of this show really are), here’s how the voting/scoring works…your phone and internet votes from the previous week are added with the judges scores from the current week (okay, whomever said this was right…it makes no sense at all, but then again, calling a professional DAW like Trista a celebrity makes no sense at all either). Dare I say it, American Idol judging makes more sense!

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Tonight, the couples will be performing the Samba and Viennese Waltz. Each couple will perform each dance, as if one lame performance per couple isn't enough.

We move on to the explanations of each dance, with visuals for the hearing/dance-impaired.

The Samba: Key word: fun! It started In Brazil and is the party dance of the Rio Carnival. The Volta (a bouncing step) and Samba Roll (full upperbody circle) are the moves to look for.

Viennese Waltz: this is an endurance event - it has the simplest footwork but is the most difficult of all ballroom dances because of the physical demand and constant movement. Sweeping turns and jockeying for position on a crowded floor are the key aspects to this dance.

The couples only had one week to learn two dances…which will surely be a joy for those of us suffering watching at home.

Joey & Ashly

Last week, Bruno loved Joey and Ashly but they were still nearly eliminated.

Joey: we thought ‘what do we gotta do to stay?'
Ashly “I’m a perfectionist…I’m like, on the verge of vomiting (so THAT’s how she keeps her figure)
Joey: "She’s like so intense and just wants to be the best all the time" - Like totally! I mean, like, who doesn't?
Ashly: "It’s stressful, I don’t want to feel like I’m letting him down"
Joey: I wanted to go home to Boston to show Ashly my hometown
Joey’s Dad is pimping Joey, telling everyone to watch and vote for “Joseph McIntyre”
Joey: "I love dancing with Ashly…the pressure’s on...win or go home!"

Joey & Ashly dance to “Tequila”

Before they even begin to dance, Joey’s icky posture is rearing its ugly head (and shoulders and arms). Posture has consistently been Joey's biggest issue…in particular his shoulders. They begin their samba and they have very cute choreography…at one point Joey uses Ashly’s a$$ as a pair of bongos…which was kind of funny and kind of weird at the same time. Decent overall, but Joey is still too stiff in his upper body and he seems to be putting too much emphasis on the performance and not enough on the moves themselves and the execution of the moves.

Tom: “Joey & Ashly: the couple that moves faster than Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes” – this is quite possibly the funniest truest thing Tom Bergeron has ever said!

Len: I was hoping you were going to come out tonight and show me some technique and rhythm…you want to perform, but you lost your technique
CA: Last week I thought you over-performed, it’s a delicate balance in ballroom dancing - this week I think you did a good job
Bruno: I think you’ve improved – your rolls were a little stiff and your hips could do a little more Ricky Martin

Backstage:

Lisa: You’ve been in the this competition for a while…who’s your toughest competition?
Joey: he goes for the diplomatic/pageant approach and just says that everyone's great and they're all smiling and eating lollipops.
Lisa then interrupts "I think I’ve sensed some Irish rivalry…"
Her Spidey senses are fantastic!!!

Scores:

7 – 6 – 7

I’d have given them a 7 for the choreography but a 6 for the overall performance. Joey was too stiff to merit more and it’s more apparent each week that Joey relies more on selling the moves than finishing them.

Rachel & Jonathan

Jonathan: "They will have never seen you shake like you’re gonna shake"

Rachel complains says, "I find it hard to take myself seriously in this…I didn’t think me or anybody at home can’t say they haven’t gotten in front of the mirror and started dancing…I look like a goofball 80% of the time". These folks seem to have been drinking too much...there sure are a lot of incoherent ramblings tonight. Rachel does some more whining about being a visual person and wanting to see some exmaples of what it's supposed to look like.

Rachel: “When the Samba queen came in, she just shook everything, she had no inhibitions…I don’t wanna go home yet, there’s NO WAY that I have peaked yet…”

Rachel and Jonathan dance to the Austin Powers song, Soul Bossa Nova – teehee! I wish they'd have worn some Shagadelic costumes - that would have been cute!

Rachel’s hip movements are fantastic. Some little missteps here and there, though…I didn’t like the technical aspects of the choreography (still too basic-looking for Rachel...part of that may be due to her stature), but it was cutesy and fun. The choreography didn’t match well with the tempo of the song though. Some of the moves were drawn out too much as a result of the moderate tempo of this dance/song and would have looked much better with a slightly faster tempo. But, all that aside, Rachel has a way of gliding across the floor when she dances that the others should aspire to.

Judges:

Bruno: We’ve got a sultry and exotic bird of paradise…you could be in Vegas
CA: I thought there were some great moves, but I found it a bit boring at times
Len: I thought the whole packages was fabulous, the choreography was great, you interpreted the music beautifully…it was a really great Samba

Backstage:

Lisa: “you got great scores last week and tonight you got nice reviews…how important is it to get high scores from the judges?”

This woman is a genius!!!! She has some serious journalistic skills…I mean who else would have thought of such a question? I am blown away!

Rachel: “This is the only vote we know we have…we don’t know how they are voting at home”

Scores:

7 – 9 – 9

I’d have given them an 8. They were certainly better than Joey and Ashly, but Rachel was better last week and CA was right…it got pretty boring as the dance dragged on. She needs a new partner who will choreograph better routines! The choreography went well with the music in terms of theme, but it did not go well with the music or dance with regard to making it engaging and making it difficult. It was way too simple, but it was executed well for what it was.

John & Charlotte

Last week their tango didn’t get the response they were looking for.

John: "I missed a step…and it wasn’t just any step, it was my favorite step!"
Okay, forgive a Seinfeld hater for a second, but is it just me or are John's constant wisecracks getting annoying for anyone else? Anyone? It's starting to drive me insane kinda like the way Richard from Beauty and the Geek makes me want to gauge my eyes out and rip my ear drums out, only not so much. And here he goes again...

John: "Good evening and welcome to “Hurleyo’s” Samba room"
Charlotte: It’s getting more and more intense…I see a very different side of John (you mean the annoying always-trying-to-be-the-center-of-attention side?)
John: I’m extremely competitive…I take this as seriously as though I was doing a Shakespearean monologue (and hopefully more seriously than your grammar)

John and Charlotte dance to Just the Two of Us

His footwork is usually pretty on point (pun intended), but it wasn’t tonight. Boring choreography, big slip-ups with some of the moves. I probably wouldn’t have watched if it weren’t for this stupid summary John and Charlotte. The dance overall was not particularly enjoyable and there was just nothing special there at all. There was nothing “Samba” about this dance - definitely John’s worst performance thus far.

Tom is yakking about the weight loss thing yet again, perhaps to prepare us for the possible appearance of a red speedo-clad John. *shudder*

CA: I thought you were off tonight
Len: I thought you epitomize what the show is about…fun with a bit of an edge
Bruno: you gave a good performance, there were no hips, your footwork was messy.

Backstage:

Lisa: how hard have you been training to change back
John makes some bizarrely-paced wisecrack about his hips and seismic activity in L.A. and the *groan*-o-meter (no, not THAT kind, sheesh people) explodes like Draco's head.

Scores:

7 – 8 – 6

I think I’m going with Bruno giving them a 6 tonight. This was by far their worst performance. Boring and lacking Latin flavor.

Kelly & Alec

Last week, Kelly and Alec finally impressed the judges with their jive.

I've never done ballet...I'm not a graceful woman, I'm a clutz" - *tYco moment of the week

Kelly: "I am short and stocky…"

All that spinning must have left her empty-headed…but, stocky, Kelly? Short, yes. Uncoordinated, most definitely! Stocky, no.

Kelly: “I’ve been dreaming about Bruno…and his ballet lessons…I want to be graceful and not stompy like an Oompa Loompa.”

Oh STOMPY! Maybe that’s what she meant when she said ‘stocky’. Cause she is stompy when she dances. Yup.

Kelly: "This is a very difficult dance for me, but we’ve gotta go big or go home"

Kelly and Alec dance to Bailamos

While I still think Kelly is a pretty crappy dancer, that was a drastic improvement and they had really fun choreography. Her upper body is practically immovable and she has problems getting into the song, but the ballet classes certainly paid off. I have to say that one of the biggest triumphs as a dancer is to be able to to very difficult dances/steps and make it look effortless…that’s a true testament to your skill and talent. While Kelly did do a pretty good job tonight, she always looks as if it’s difficult for her, which is not pleasing to watch. But the dance was very fun and lively and she's definitely the most improved!

Tom: "Not even a hint of Oompa Loompa". Well, she does look rather orange, but I think that's the crazy lighting.

Len: One of the problems with the Samba….there’s so many differnet rhythms…these two are the first two that I’ve really seen an up in their performance (at least I think that’s what he said…he was mumbling something that sounded something like that)
Bruno: the most improved competitor…tonight you’re a hot little chili
CA: (Standing Ovation)…way to go girl!

Backstage:

Lisa: "Wow, the judges saying all of those wonderful words to you"

Kelly: "I can't even speak"

Scores:

9 – 9 – 8

I would have given them an 8 (mucho points for Alec in the choreography department…he made sure to emphasize the things that she is best at, yet again). I have to give her credit both for how far she’s come and for putting her all into the dances. The first week, she looked as though she’d rather be anywhere but on the dance floor – now she looks like she is really enjoying herself and that’s a big part of selling a performance.

Kelly: "We've worked so hard...it's nice to see it paying off"

Everybody Waltz

Viennese Waltz – everyone does the same five steps (which, as it is turns out, we won’t even get to see because of the way in which they filmed this sequence).

All of the couples will be on the floor at the same time, vying for position and the attention of the audience. They are dancing to I’ve Got You Babe.

Jonathan: "It’s a little bit like a race...whoever gets that corner"

They have to decide the order in which they're going to dance...

Ashly: "We’ll go last"

Kelly: We were told what order we were dancing – I would have liked to go last (I would have liked them to have booted you in week one, but we don’t always get what we want, dear).

Joey: If we go down someone else is going down with us…we ain’t going down alone (so many jokes, so little leeway with non PG-13 stuff)

It’s harder to judge this portion since the camera is focusing on the ‘featured’ couple only (we can’t see the actual traditional Viennese waltz moves across the floor)…so we’ll have to focus on what we can see.

John and Charlotte were fluid and light – very ‘waltzy’. They looked very composed and natural as a couple. Not too shabby.

Rachel and Jonathan were less fluid – she looked like she forgot something in the beginning of their ‘featured’ section. I think Rachel would do better with a partner who is a better choreographer and pays more attention to her strengths and weaknesses.

Kelly and Alec didn’t do much of anything other than a lift/spin (which is not as hard as it looks for the girl…once you get into position and are twirling around, it’s not exactly hard to stay in position thanks to gravity and momentum). They looked nice enough I suppose, but Kelly’s posture is always so distracting. As a dancer, I can’t help but want to whip her into shape every time she is on the dance floor with her horrible lines and stiff-as-a-board neck and shoulders. But she is purdy.

Joey and Ashly - Egads! What the H E double hockey sticks was that? Waltz, I think not. It was more Fred Astaire/Jane Powell in Royal Wedding than waltz. The waltz should be beautiful and elegant not showy and over-done. Sorry, you lose.

The judges:

CA: the worst was Rachel and Jonathan, best was Kelly and Alec (huh? were we watching the same dance?)
Len & Bruno both agree that Joey & Ashly were worst for their weird 'waltz' while John and Charlotte were best.

I agree with Len & Bruno. No one was very impressive, though.

And now...the results

Staying:

Kelly
Joey
John

Rachel & Jonathan have to go. I suppose being almost as DAWful as Trista hurt Rachel in the end because she should definitely be in the final three if we're basing votes on the dancing.

Tom: "You have poured yourself into this…you’ve given such great performances week in and week out."
Lisa: "You guys have spent so much time together…what are you going to miss most about working with Jonathan?"

Rachel: "Jonathan is a amzing...it's something I've always dreamed of as a kid...it's amazing"
Jonathan: "I’m so lucky I had a fabulous partner who would try anything." Heh. He said "lucky" and "try anything" in the same sentence. Heh.

This week the "last dance" is much less cynical and a kick in the face. They dance the show out to "I Had the Time of My Life".

Next week, we'll get to watch these DAWs duke it out in the "semi-finals"...

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