The Surreal Life 6 - Episode 1 Summary

'Welcome to the Bottom of the Barrel' By Scuba Steve

Here we are again. Another edition of The Surreal Life. Seven Z-list celebrities enter. Which ones will we not be able to stand by the end of the season?

Roll the credits.

We get another crappy comedian to welcome the Surreal Lifers as they make their way to the house. This time, it’s Jimmy Pardo. I’m not going to give you anymore information than that because I have enough introductions as it is. Speaking of which, the first sort-of celebrity has arrived, and it’s Sherman Helmsley.

Sherman is most recognized for playing George Jefferson in the hit sitcom, “The Jeffersons.” Unlike his theme song, Sherman is not movin’ on up. Instead:

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He’s movin’ on down (movin’ on down)
To the Surreal Life house (movin’ on down)

Sherman realizes he’s the first person here and will shortly realize he’s the most normal person here. The next person to arrive is Tawny Kitean.

Tawny is most famous for being in every position imaginable on a Jaguar in Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” music video. In doing so, she made millions of guys everywhere wish they were that car. Tawny has also been in trouble with the law. Most notably, she was arrested for beating up her then-husband, Chuck Finley. The fact that Chuck got beat him up by Tawny made him no longer a man.

Upon meeting Sherman, Tawny finds out that there are 3 beds in one room, 2 beds in another, and a single bed that Sherman has already occupied. After 15 minutes, she finally deduces that 3+2+1=6. Tawny just now figured out 1st grade math. She now realizes that she’ll have to share a room with the two other girls if you can call one of them a girl.

Next person to come to the house is C.C. Deville.

C.C. was the lead guitarist for the hair metal band, Poison. He also has a fake tan that would make George Hamilton blush. Poison had many hits and was extremely successful. C.C. later developed a cocaine and alcohol problem as he realized he was in a hair metal band.

Another Surreal Lifer pulls in, and it’s Steve Harwell.

Steve is the lead singer for the group, Smash Mouth. Smash Mouth gave us one of the worst pop-rock songs ever in “All Star.” For that, I hate you Steve Harwell. Like many rockers, Steve is into sex and drugs. With this group, there will be a lot of drugs and no sex.

It’s time again for another Surreal Lifer to enter the house. This time, it’s Andrea Lowell.

Andrea is a hot chick who has been in Playboy, so every guy is relieved there is one hot chick who will get naked. Andrea says she has no shame. She will drink, take off all her clothes, get laid, and many other things by the time this season is over. VH1 is happy about that.

Andrea meets the other housemates, and it becomes apparent in the first few seconds that she will sleep with every guy there, including Sherman. They also find out that she has been in Playboy, which disgusts Tawny immensely. Tawny says she won’t call Andrea a slut because she was in Playboy, but we all know that won’t be the case. Tawny will call Andrea a slut at least a 1,000 times this season.

The final Surreal Lifer has arrived, and it’s Alexis Arquette.

Alexis is the less talented brother of Patricia and David Arquette, which means he is really bad if he’s worse than David. If you have ever seen “Ready to Rumble,” you know exactly what I’m talking about. That’s not the main reason Alexis is here, though. Alexis is a transgender. He wants to be a she. To do that, Alexis is going to remove the one thing that makes him a man. His schlong.

Alexis meets the others, and they all are not sure what to say or do. C.C. finally breaks the ice by revealing that he and Alexis have some history together. Not that kind of history, get your minds out of the gutter!

Alexis also finds out that Andrea was in Playboy and figures out that he has some competition. The only difference is Andrea will probably get laid by all the guys in the house, so Alexis has to hope the guys like a girl with a stick. Alexis thinks Andrea knows her way around a dildo. Wait a minute. Andrea’s a lesbian! Does Knockers know about this?

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