Fear Factor - Episode 100, Part 9 Summary

' In Which Jon Keeps Breathing, But Only For A Little While' By Estee

Joe: 'I'm Joe Rogan, and this, God help us, is still Reality Stars Fear Factor. The stunts you are about to see were designed by trained professionals. They are extremely dangerous and should not be attempted by anyone, anywhere, any time. Given that, you might be wondering why we're trying them at all. And to that, I've got only one thing to say: have you seen what's still competing?' *sighs* 'Tell me something. Has anyone else in reality television history ever requested the cancellation of their own show? Because I'm not doing this again, NBC? You see this?' *displays arms, which have several unhealthy-looking red streaks and small blisters* 'Contact with Jonathan. I've eaten bugs, I've been tear-gassed, I've had to go through an endless parade of model wanna-bes on this show, and this finally got me. The doctor said it could take months to heal completely, if it ever does. The anti-magic shell held up against Voldemort, but you couldn't think to protect me from Jonathan's Botox touch? I want out. No, wait. Even better. I am out. As per my contract, I'm finishing this season, and then that's it. You do not have the money, the stunts, or the really attractive female contestants to keep me around. You know, if you didn't want to give me that last raise, you only had to say something...' *sighs again, looks tired* 'Deep mental exhaustion always makes me hungry. Do we have any tomato hornworms around?'

{Can we get back to normal now, please? Roll opening credits.}

{When the credits clear, we are somewhere on a lakefront beach in presumably-California on a bright and sunny day, with the four remaining teams of two walking steadily towards their next bunch point stunt, whatever that turns out to be. Once again, the teams have been color-coordinated, and you kind of have to wonder about that because even people this self-involved shouldn't need any extra help to remember who their partners are. (Well, maybe the banished ones, but that's about it.) The walk is silent, contains absolutely no confessional-tells, spontaneous singing, or 'Fair Play' gestures, and ends at the two-tier waiting stands.}

Joe: 'Can we agree to not talk about last week ever again? Because just thinking about -- those two -- makes me feel like I've been lightly coated in scum.'
All contestants, choral response: 'Absolutely.'
Joe: 'In that case, let's heavily-edited review. No, wait. That'll take too long. Let's heavily-edited sum up. Remaining are Jon & Twila in seeing-red, Craig & Tana in make-the-green, Anthony & Carmen wearing maybe-Paula-is-sober-enough-to-spot-this-orange, and lastly, Mike & Trishelle, who have donned we're-on-another-series-and-aren't-you-blue. Those last two got the fastest time in yesterday's stunt, so they've picking today's order. You should really all start kissing up now.'
Jon: *applies lip gloss*
Anthony: 'Bit of advice, Mike. It burns the worst six hours later.'
Joe: 'So is everyone enjoying themselves?'
All contestants, choral response: 'A lot more than we were this time last week.'
Joe: 'Twila, are you now happy to be partnered with Jon?'
Twila: (rolls eyes): 'It burns the worst after the show hits the airwaves.'
Joe (rubbing at his arms): 'Tell me about it...'

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{You know what this situation needs? Some good old-fashioned Fear Factor potential foreshadowing and/or false impressions, courtesy of c-t!}

Mike (c-t): 'You notice how Jon looks like he was out partying until three in the morning and still hasn't gone to bed yet? That's because he was out partying until three in the morning and hasn't gone to bed yet. Well, he calls it a party. The rest of us call it 'trying to defecate on every bed in the hotel'. Personally, we all slept in the lobby.'
Trishelle (c-t): 'Look at that ridiculously skinny body. Where does he keep it all?'

Craig (c-t): 'Everyone thinks Twila would be better off with someone who likes to compete as much as she does. Or a trained monkey.'
Tana (c-t): 'Didn't we sell trained monkeys on one task?'
Craig (c-t): 'No, we were trying to sell Brian and Michael.'
Tana (c-t): 'Oh. Well, it's an easy mistake.'

Twila (c-t): 'Could you be any more hungover?'
Jon (c-t): 'It's part of my master plan. They'll think I'm physically weak and mentally ill-prepared to adapt, a one-trick trash-talking pony with broken withers and a mane that needs to be torn out at the roots, and then -- they'll lose!'
Twila (c-t): 'What does that have to do with finishing the stunts in a good time?'
Jon (c-t, apparently not paying attention): 'Then, after I get you to hand over your half of the grand prize for my tante's medical treatments...'

{Back in mainstream:}

Joe: 'Mike, Trishelle, how are you feeling about your position today, you competitive animals, you?'
Mike: 'Don't try to sweet-talk me, Joe. I'm not giving you another shower.'
Joe: 'But it still burns... and speaking of burning, in that Doug Benson segue way, let's talk about your next stunt! Follow me closely, boys, girls, and whatever Dalton is.'
Jon: 'Hey!'
Craig: 'No, seriously. Dude, what are you?'
Jon: 'I can't afford the tests until twenty-eight more people beat me up.'
Joe: 'We'll try to get a fund going. Right now, look out at that lake. See the houseboat? We're about to set it on fire. You'll ride a waterski out to two floating spheres, then swim from there to the houseboat, get on board, and use the fire extinguisher which we probably remembered to set out for you on one of the floats to clear a path to the interior. There, you'll find Osten.'
Twila: 'Osten'?
Joe (shrugs): 'We wanted to use a dummy, but he really wanted to be on the show and he's cheaper... Carry Osten out to the deck. Our mandatory helicopter will pick you up and ask you to jump out near a rescue basket. You can throw Osten out first if you really want to, but it's probably easier if you jump with him, just in case he drowns again. Get Osten in the raft, bring it to shore, and place him in the waiting ambulance to stop the clock.'
Tana: *raises her hand*
Joe: 'Yes?'
Tana: 'Does he have to be alive when we finish?'
Joe: 'Not really. But the rigor mortis probably won't set in fast enough to hinder the other teams.'
Tana: 'Damn.'
Joe: 'Now, no one is going to be eliminated today, because we've still got another episode to get through after this and we've got to keep the victim count high. Instead, the fastest team will win two of the waterskis we're promoting today, plus ten thousand dollars, which is easily enough to gas them up three times each. Given all that -- Mike, Trishelle, who's going first?'
Mike: 'Craig & Tana, because they did nothing on the last stunt and I can see the rust from here.'
Joe: 'That's just Tana's latest metallics line of cheap ugly beads.'

Tana (c-t): 'Yay! Mike thinks I'm a threat! The MTV stud sees me as a force! I haven't been this complimented since Donald told me I didn't deserve to live!'
Craig (c-t) 'What if he considers me to be a force?'
Tana (c-t): 'No, I'm pretty sure he's seen you work before.'

Joe: 'Well, you've both been on The Apprentice. You should be used to working with useless piles of flesh... Get out there and we'll see how you do.' {Craig & Tana depart to change into their swimsuits} 'Any predictions, crew?'
Jon: 'Last place.'
Joe: 'Any predictions for Craig & Tana?'
Jon: '...no.'

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