Survivor: Cook Islands - Episode 5 Summary

'Baked, Mashed, or M*A*S*H*?' By frisky

Last time on Survivor, the Ruh-roh guys were lazy and I,too's Ozzy was on speed. I,too won immunity and JayPee was king for a day. Later, he was crowned king of Loser Lodge.

This episode opens at Ruh-roh, to the appetizing sounds of sticks on teeth as the guys clean their fangs and b!tch about the girls laying around sleeping. Nate, the shoe salesman/model/actor, says that the guys have to "watch our backs as a unit because these women could try to eat us off."

Well, if that statement doesn't set the tone...

So the guys start working, and Cleoparvatia is watching with joy as the guys work all around her with their big piles of wood, bigger than she's ever seen, and their huge crabs.

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And then we have the intro music. WTF?? Last year we have no intro, and this season we get the whole thing half-way through the show. As if that's not weird enough, we get more desperate attention whoremongering of Jonathan Alda, who has appeared in many television shows including M*A*S*H*, but really hit the big time when he was nominated for an Academy Award for something-something with George Cantstandja. Another WTF? moment in Survivor history. What is this, foreshadowing? What does M*A*S*H* have to do with Survivor? Or pototoes, for that matter? Oh, well, let's keep watching and see where this goes.

By the time we come back from commercials, it is clear that the editors are playing mean tricks on us all. How are my armpits? Here, let me lift my arms, so you can determine which pit is worse. Yes, that's it, get your nose right up in there and sniff. Cowboy complains about Candice and Becky, and with great foreboding states that if they don't soon shave their pits, they will be eliminated.

We go briefly to the I,too tribe while Ozzy reads the treemail as only Ozzy can. *drool*

Okay, so challenge time, and I,too gets their first look at the Ruh-roh tribe, minus Jaypee. Jiffy describes the challenge, where they assign pairs, and the pairs have to carry a bunch of weight, and if they win, they win stuff like spices and wine. Jiffy tells the tribe members who have to do basically nothing during this challenge to add more weight, and then he says they have to wait a bit. They watch the worker bees sweat it out, Jiffy does his nails, and then they add more weight, then they wait a bit more. Jonathan Alda flirtatiously chides Jiffy for his pun. So on they go, adding more weight to their pairs, and the editors graciously fast-forward us to the end of the challenge, where Yulelog and Jonathan Alda are first out. Nate and Adam are doing each other, while Rebecca and Stephannie give up. Sundra drops her bag while Candyass whines. Flicka, who if you don't mind my saying looks like a total crackhead, taunts the remaining teams, but then lets go of her weight. I,too wins reward, and picks Jonathan Alda to go to Exile Island, and we are finally blessed with commercials.

We're back at Ruh-roh, empty wine bottles strewn along the beach and octopi wrapped around castaways. Cristina is the new Jaypee, and everyone is p!ssed off. She dumps some octopusses in the water and blames Jenny, who is, like, only on another friggin beach when it happens.

At I,too, Freaka, Ozzy and Cowboy are going to explore another island for food. While they're gone, Yulelog invites Sundra to join their majority alliance. Sundra says yes, and now is happy that she is no longer an outsider like Freaka.

Speaking of Freaka, she's with Ozzy and Cowboy invading the other camp and stealing their food, but I have trouble focussing on this segment. I don't understand why, I just can't focus. Oh wait, it's a blur, and it's in the front of Ozzy's shorts. Dammit! Focus! Focus!

So it's a big shock, and Adam feels threatened, and after Cowboy finally nails Cleoparvatia's name, he tells them stories of "Chinese symbology" and asks for gifts of spices. Ruh-roh is clearly sick of them and says no.

On Exile Island, Jonathan Alda digs furiously in his big litterbox for the immunity idol. He either comes up empty, or he's a moron. Is there an all of the above?

Suddenly it's time for the immunity challenge, and Jonathan returns and admits that he's a moron because he didn't find the idol in the giant litterbox. He says it's gone, and the vein in Yulelog's forehead isn't visibly throbbing at all.

Jiffy launches into a diatribe about poles and platforms. We watched the tribes put poles together while Jiffy narrates. "Everyone is in the water with their pole!" Suddenly, Julie sprints out of base camp and into the water.

Freaka does a good job balancing on the poles. Jiffy praises her for her nice recovery, no pun intended of course. Cleoparvatia is also doing well on the pole, which doesn't surprise us. I,too is completely ignored during this challenge, as their chicks are not as TV-friendly as Cleoparvatia. When they are done with poles, suddenly we are witnessing a most disturbing sight. Each tribe must pile on top of one another like sleeping puppies on a little platform. Much writhing and rubbing occurs, and I,too finally wins immunity, while the music swells, no pun intended.

Ruh-roh has to go to tribal council. Ruh-roh!

They unanimously decide to get rid of Cristina and her fug maternity camo-smock. But suddenly, Stephannie plays the mashed potato card. She longs for mashed potatoes and gravy, she tells Nate. Forget about her family, friends, co-workers, home, job, and life. It's those damn mashed pototoes she just can't leave behind. Please, Nate, she says, please don't let me go another day without mashed potatoes.

So word gets around that Stephannie is totally in love with mashed potatoes and wants to go home and make love to mashed potatoes. Cleoparvatia warns Stephannie, but it's too late.

At tribal council, Jiffy b!tchslaps Adam for belonging for such a loser tribe. He asks Stephannie where she fits in, and she says who gives a sh!t, gimme some mashies! Nate tells Cristina she's a b!tch, and she apologizes for being such a nasty ho. Jiffy asks for the hidden immunity idol, but everyone knows that Yulelog and his huge forehead vein have the idol.

Cristina votes for Stephannie, Stephannie votes for Cristina, and we don't see anyone else's vote, but it's clear as Jiffy reads the vote that KantKookKeith had better put on a big pot of mashed potoatoes back at loser lodge. Stephannie is baked, fried, and roasted.

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