Average Joe 2: Hawaii - Episode 1 Summary

'The Island of Misfit Boys' By Lisapooh

But this is no average gathering of the math club we’re dealing with here. This is a neverending parade of freaks, geeks and pimply ass cheeks. It may be called Average Joe 2 Hawaii, but ain’t nobody getting leid.

The show starts with a barrage of shots of a bikini-clad Larissa Meeks, the latest victim. Larissa is way hot. Of course this means I hate her. We learn that Larissa thinks love at first sight is possible. The caveat being that love at first sight is possible if you are looking at Andrew Dan-Jumbo. What Larissa doesn’t know yet is that there will be no Andrew Dan-Jumbo on this show. Plain old jumbos, however, will be readily available.

The opening montage shows scenes from the upcoming episodes. We see Larissa making out with hot guys and wearing an enormous amount of makeup. We also learn a little bit about her. She’s a 24-year-old artist from St. Louis and the 4th runner up for the 2001 Miss USA pageant.

Larissa’s downfall in the pageant was the interview competition. So, do you think expecting her to carry her own show where presumably she will have to talk is a good idea? Of course it is – because she won the swimsuit competition. Like anyone cares about her personality.

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The scenery is really beautiful too. The big island of Hawaii is breathtaking. Larissa looks right at home there. The producers should have picked an island setting for Melana’s show too. Three Mile Island would have been perfect for her!

Now it’s time to meet some of the Average Joes. I’m all atwitter with excitement!

First up is David, 24. David can best be described as a motorized hairball on a stick. He confides that he used to be a nerd and that people have called him poop head before. We’ve since learned that David is also an actor. His credited roles include Geek, Sandwich Geek, Geek on Scooter and Background Geek. Gosh, I hope this show doesn’t typecast him.

Next we meet Fredo, a 31-year-old cement contractor from Cleveland. I’m torn here. Part of me wants to remind all of you what happened to the middle Corleone brother at the end of Godfather Part II. And part of me wants to make some reference to Frodo the hobbit. But both parts of me are a little afraid that dissing Fredo might mean sleeping with the fishes. So, let’s stay positive and say that despite the gold chain, ’roid rage, receding hairline, wrestler’s ponytail and expansive body hair, Fredo seems like quite the catch.

Here’s comes 29-year old Tim from Arkansas. I’d tell you what impression he made on me, but he didn’t actually make one. Seems quiet, has very pretty eyes and may turn out to be Richie Cunningham’s long-lost brother from Happy Days. He’s cute. Relatively speaking of course.

Boston Brian manages to hide the accent for a little while. He can’t, however, hide the fact that he was dropped at birth.

Bill is a pleasingly plump account from New Jersey who doesn’t appear to have a personality.

Sean is a chef and explains that he’s put on some weight recently, so he doesn’t feel real comfortable in his skin. Sean seems like a nice, normal guy. But Sean needs to stop trying to grow that scraggly goatee. It’s not hiding the double chin, hon. We can still see it, so do us all a favor and shave off the Chia beard.

Donato has a very sweet smile and a great sense of humor. I know this because Donato said two of the lines I had planned for the summary. I’d be mad at him for beating me to the punchline on the Ritalin thing, but he just seems too good-natured. Domo Origato Mr. Donato. Yeah, I don’t know what it means either, but that freaking song is stuck in my head now anyway.

Thomas is 5’4” and overcompensating.

Matt Botti. Bless his heart. I love him. He’s got a speech impediment, and his braces make him drool, but he’s so optimistic that I just want to hug his neck. Botti feels he has conquered his nerdiness. You go Nerd Boy! You! Go!

I can’t decide whether Chris is trying to emulate Elvis, Buddy Holly or my hairy Uncle Moe. This is what Luke Perry would have looked like on 90210 if there weren’t stylists around to contain the sideburns and pompadour. Guys, if your hair is receding, don’t try to make up for that in height, ok? The ozone layer is fragile and Aqua Net is so not eco-friendly.

We are given a brief reprieve from the parade of geeks to see Larissa checking out her bachelorette pad. The producers have provided her with canvases and paint so she can work (which will be good since the dates aren’t going to be very exciting). They’ve also framed some of her paintings. My notes also indicate that Larissa made a -quote – obvious and lame analogy – end quote during this segment. I just neglected to write down what it was. And it really irks me that her earrings match her bikini – that is taking perfection just too damn far. In case anyone was wondering, I’m being so hard on Larissa because I’m bitter, resentful and jealous.

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