The Rebel Billionaire - Episode 3 Summary

'Pitfalls, Peril, and Protective Papers' By cqvenus

Welcome to Rebel Billionaire, the show where we take a likeable billionaire (and you thought that wasn’t possible!) and make people prove how much more they love money than their own safety by participating in challenges that make Fear Factor look like Field Day in elementary school.

For what happened last week, please read Swami’s summary of Episodes 1 and 2.

We go to Victoria Falls, in Zimbabwe (Africa, for the geographically challenged folk).

Sir Richard informs them their first task is for the women to pick a leader for the men, and the men pick a leader for women. The man will lead the women, the woman will lead the men. Confused? Me too.

ADVERTISEMENT

The women choose Gabriel to lead them, and he’s worried about it. I guess he thinks he’s going to suck. He might. We’ll see.

The men pick Nicole, although far be it from me to figure out why. She says it’s an honor to be invited to lead the male team, but if they lose it’s gonna suck for her. Here’s to hoping they lose, and it therefore sucks for her. cq is not a Nicole fan.

So, we’re in Africa. Cue the antelope and elephants so we can see how exotic and wild and free it is there.

The people who have no value for their lives arrive at a dingy hut on the edge of a very high cliff, overlooking a river or some other body of water. It looks very pretty. But also very, very high. Made me woozy. And I have a 13” TV.

Steve thinks the guys will be successful because they’re amped. cq wonders if he was paid by Pepsi to push Amp, the Mountain Dew version of Red Bull. If not, maybe cq can take that money with the following endorsement: Amp = Mmmmm.

Gabriel lays down the law to the women. Rule #1: There will be no petty talking. Rule #2: We will rock. Looked like he was reading his speech off a piece of paper. I’m glad his speech didn’t involve use of the word “nuclear.”

So, it’s 360 feet to the river. Straight down. But they don’t have to jump. Yet. Pshaw. That isn’t that high. But it sure looks it. Even on my 13” TV.

Today as teams, we will discover who can trust each other and take risks. There will be 5 jumpers, 1 catcher. The catcher catches the jumpers as they leap out over the river from a platform. If you are caught, you go back and that’s one point. Every few jumps, the catcher moves back farther away. If you miss, you basically bungee jump over the river. The losing team’s captain will select whom s/he will face in the elimination challenge.

The men’s team chooses Jermaine to be the catcher because they don’t think any of them could catch him “without having their legs ripped off.”

Gabriel says he’s the catcher (cq smirks and says I bet) so the guys are gonna get tired first because they’re catching guys (again cq smirks and says I bet), but he is 220 and can catch the girls all day long. Betcha.

1st jumper is Nicole to Jermaine. She looks uberconfident. I really can’t stand her smugness. Anyway… 5,4,3,2,1… jump… reach… commercial.

And we’re back. Countdown AGAIN. The jump, again, and he missed her. She screamed the whole way down. That? Rocked. cq points, laughs, and applauds.

Jermaine blames Nicole. He says she didn’t jump out and far enough. Rut ro. But, cq wonders, how could anything be Nicole’s fault? She’s perfect! And the sarcasm meter nearly explodes.

Heather is scared. And she misses. Wow she fell mighty fastily. Go high or go home looks like the strategy the women will be employing from here on out.

The guys have a plan. I jump and grab your shoulders, and you grab my arms. And no, I can’t remember who this jumper was. But it’s the one I didn’t mention yet. Maybe Sam. And it works. And there’s a very macho hug moment. I think Jermaine should drop him. You know, because he was like all up in his heezy. Getting too close for comfort. But that’s just me. After all, Jermaine is the catcher.

Heather? Is too scared to jump. She’s giving Gabriel directions like he’s the problem. Hi, he’s hanging on a string in the air. He can’t exactly go anywhere. Then she finally finally jumps, and he grabs her. Good job.

And they move the catchers out to 8 feet. I’m not sure what they were at to start with. But it’s less than 8.

Shawn fell but sounded like he was having a good time doing it. Which makes one of them. Candida fell and ooh ahh eeeeh aaaahed the whole way and flipped like a rag doll. She felt like she broke a rib and had bruised arms. Lacerations. They reshow it about 50 times ah eh ooh ah! And the ambulance is taking care of her. But she seems like she’ll live.

Steve doesn’t know what failure is. And it’s his turn to jump. But he’s fired up. So, he jumps. And makes it. Putting pressure on the women. They must make the last jump to tie, or the men take it. And… they make it. But Erica has trouble getting up… But she finally does. So now it’s all tied up.

Now they pick their own distance to jump. Whoever picks less goes first. And if they make it, the other team goes. But if they miss, the other team wins. The dudes go first for 7 feet, 7.5 inches. And they make it. Now the girls team. 7 feet 8 inches. Erica is doing the jump. If they make it, they win. If not, the dudes win. Erica’s about to jump… 1…2… commercial.

They make it. The girls win! Which only gets a "!" because it implies the guys lose! And Nicole could go home! I rejoice.

So Richard tries it, to show that Anything They Can Do, He Can Do Better. And he’s nervous. He tries twice and can’t bring himself to jump. He says something about his legs having been jellificationalizationized. Then he goes, and Gabriel drops him. Talk about letting billions of dollars slip through your hands. So Richard takes the fall. And comes back smiling about it. But he’s bleeding. But still smiling.

Page Index: 1 2

Continue Reading >>>