The Apprentice 3 - Episode 7 Summary

'A Fictionalized Transcript' By idiotcowboy

PM’s Alex and Tara squared off in the Apprentice version of Pictionary, using spray paint wielding former gang members and their medium of choice, brick walls.

The guessers (aka the Focus Group), after being unable to determine WTF Tara was drawing reluctantly awarded the weasel-like Alex a rare Team Magma victory which ensures we will have to endure his presence at least one more week.

In the boardroom, when asked who should be fired, each of them to a man (and woman) said fire Audrey, please for God’s sake fire Audrey, but despite the ringing endorsement, The Donald once again fired the loosing project manager, aka the previously invisible Tara, because, well, that’s the way it works this season.

Cut to opening credits, bring out the whores, and sing about money money money

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IN ORDER TO REDUCE THE SIZE OF THIS SUMMARY, THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

Meanwhile back in the suite

Angie: I think Audrey is weaker than Tara...

John: I think Audrey is weaker and stupider than Tara, so she will be fired.

Chris: I think Audrey is weaker and stupider than Tara and the token black guy, so she will be fired, too.

Tana: I think Audrey is weaker and stupider than Tara, the token black guy, and that guitar playing freak Danny, so she will be fired, three. Hehe top that!

Alex: So what you guys are saying is you’re not sure who will be fired right?

Angie: ...and although I love her dearly because she reminds me of a younger and prettier version of myself back when...

Erin: No I think what they are saying is...

Bren: Not to change the subject, but which one of you put the cucumber under my pillow

Angie: ...when I was her age selling myself on the streets for crack...

Stephanie: Like we haven’t all done that

Kendra: I’m not really here and no one knows who I am anyways so I’m not really going to contribute anything here because even if I did no one would notice.

Angie: …and that’s what makes me sad she will be fired.

cut to Audrey and Craig returning to the suite to the faux happiness of all, at least until Audrey sulks back to her room

Angie: We need to have a team meeting.

Craig: I need to get some food.

Chris: You’re not drinking out of my dip cup again are you?

Craig: Hell no, I gave that to Bren, told him it was herbal tea.

John: We need to fail so we can get rid of Audrey, any ideas on how to get her to volunteer to be the PM?

Tana: Maybe Angie can talk to her

Angie: I really miss Tara, she was like a younger prettier version of me when I...

Craig: and blacker, don’t forget blacker sista

cut to Audrey and Angie on the balcony

Audrey: I tried so hard to be nice and likable, why does everyone hate me so much?

Angie: It’s not that they hate you, it’s they have no respect for you

Audrey: But, I worked my ass off, I mean seriously, it used to be as big as yours

Angie: Respect ain’t skin deep sweetoe, you have to work hard and earn it over time

cue Chris, entering with cigarette in hand from stage right

Audrey: This don’t concern you.

Chris: I’m just here to smoke, and the script said I was to be out here when you go all dramatic on John later. Just ignore me for now, at least until later in the episode when I do something really stupid.

Angie: (checking script) He’s right, just ignore him like usual.

Audrey: Where was I? Oh yeah. *tears up* I worked so hard just to get here, when I was 12 my family abandoned me by the roadside because even then I didn’t know when to shut the ##### up. By 16, I was walking the streets and living out of the back of a two door 1973 Chevy Impala with my husband/pimp Angel and his sister Angela.

Chris: That was you?

Audrey: ...Six months pregnant with only the cloths on my back...

Stephanie: Like we haven’t all done that

John, entering Stage Left with a shot glass that disturbingly looks like Chris’ dip cup

John: So Audrey, you really need to not take things so personally, it’s not our fault you’re a stupid whore that has no chance of making a dime vertically.

Audrey: John, John, John, that’s former whore and you’re a on the wrong page in the script. I’m supposed to emote a bit longer, come back in 2 minutes m’kay?

John: Crap, my bad, and what the hell is in this cup

Chris: Herbal Tea, it’s really good you should try it.

Audrey: Where was I?

Angie: I don’t know but don’t forget the part about intentionally maiming your face because you're too beautiful, I love that line *sniff* it’s so, tragical.

TO SAVE YOU FROM SELF MUTILATION, WE WILL NOW SKIP TO THE NEXT DAY

meanwhile back in the boardroom, The Donald, The Carolyn, and some dude with the gender confusing name Ashley discuss the latest plan to bilk rich people out of their inheritance via a golf course timeshares or some such

The Donald: You all know The Carolyn, and this is some dude named Ashley who works for me in some capacity who will be filling in for the increasingly senile George who forgot to take his meds and is wandering aimlessly on the boardwalk with Verna this week. So say hello to him.

Ho’s: Hello to him

The Donald: So you all know I make great golf courses, and if you don’t just keep you pie hole shut or I’ll fire you on the spot. You are not as great as me which is part of the reason you are over there and not over here, the other being you are all two-bit actors playing reality show contestants playing for a non-existent job that...

The Carolyn: Ahem

The Donald: So, anyway, your task is to make competing miniature golf courses, scare a few children, and prove yet again you have no business being in business with me. Sadly only one of you will be fired, and on the very real chance that Magma looses

Alex: That’s Magna, sir.

The Donald: Don’t interrupt me, on the very real chance team Mango looses again, Alex the weasel, won’t be fired no matter how bad he screws up so don’t bring him back into the final boardroom because he sickens me enough that I don’t want to see him more than I have to. Now leave before I fire someone just for the hell of it, and take Ashley with you.

cut to the suite Team Magna planning session

Stephanie: I want to be the project manager, pick me, pick me!

Bren: You know that I’m the only loosing project manager not to be fired?

Erin: Me too, me too.

Bren: Oh yeah, well I’m only loosing project manager not to be fired in a week that a loosing project manager wasn’t.

Erin: Yeah, I think.

Alex: Anybody want pizza, I’m hungry.

Kendra: I’m not really here.

Stephanie: Pick me, pick me.

cut to Team Networth planning session

Audrey: I really like, you know, golf, especially miniature golf, because the rules are simple enough that even a moron like me knows how it works, and I think since no one respects me, that if I became the project manager and somehow managed to led our team to victory, you wouldn’t make fun of me to my face in the boardroom anymore. So, I want to be the project manager of this task.

Angie: Um

The Carolyn: <rolling eyes>

Chris: *snicker*

Tana: scratching head

John: Woooo Freakin Hooo, you are so getting fired!

cut to Magna at the site

Stephanie: Golf courses are green right, so we need plants lots and lots of plants, in fact I want this place so filled with plants that parents will loose their children in here and we can charge them to get them back.

Bren: What if they don’t want them back?

Kendra: What we really need is a good marketing plan; I took the liberty to call the directory of Chelsea Piers and have arranged exclusive cross-promotional advertising with all the other vendors for tomorrow, virtually assuring our victory over the leaderless high school people.

Erin: That’s nice, who are you again?

Kendra: Why do I bother...

Stephanie: When you’re done with that, could you run by Target and get some more plants?

cut to Networth

Audrey: Ok, John I want to set you up to fail, which task is that?

John: Promotions?

Audrey: Yeah, you do promotions. Craig, you also need a failing project, what do want?

Craig: Marketing?

Audrey: This is so easy.

cut to costume shop where Audrey, Angie, and Tana are picking out clown outfits

Chris: (talking to Audrey on the phone) Audrey, do you want John, Craig, and I to pass out flyers now or work to get the course set up?

Audrey: Yes.

Chris: Which one?

Audrey: You need to decide that because I put you in charge of that?

Chris: No you didn’t

Audrey: Then get John to decide it for you, since he’s the one I’m planning to blame when we fail

Chris: Alright, as long as it’s not me

FOR YOUR PROTECTION THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

cut to next day with Magna

Bren: Business is going pretty well, some people keep coming by with discount flyers, not sure where those came from but we’re glad for the business.

Erin: Stephanie is doing such a great job, the place looks wonderful and the discount flyers were a stroke of genius.

Alex: It would be nice if we won again, but hey I think I can relate to Michael a bit more now.

Stephanie: You know Kendra

Kendra: Yes

Stephanie: I’m a little disappointed you didn’t get any more plants.

Kendra: (in confessional later) My team is comprised of a bunch of ex-cheerleaders and retards with bow-ties, but ultimately it’s not much different than my last boyfriend so I’m dealing with it.

cut to Networth

Tana: Chris you look so cute in your clown outfit.

Chris: (taking a bit chunk of tobacco) So, I’m working the gate right?

The Carolyn: <shaking head in disbelief>

THIS PORTION OF THE SUMMARY, REMOVED SO YOU WONT FALL ASLEEP

cut to boardroom as both teams file in

The Donald: So Ashley how did Networth do?

Ashley: Well given how pathetic this group is I have to say they did very well, and managed to have $326.17 at the end of the day.

The Donald: I started them out with $10,000

Ashley: Well then, I guess they didn’t do quiet as well as I thought

The Donald: The Carolyn, how did MauiMaui do?

The Carolyn: They won

The Donald: Really?!?

The Ghost of Danny: Unbelievable!

The Donald: Good job, and Stephanie, since you will be the prettiest girl left after I fire Audrey, you will be exempt at least until after next week. Weasel, you’re on the clock. As far as a reward goes, since you have had lots of practice now with golf, I’m taking you to a real course where you will all have a chance to loose some real money. Networth, I’ll see you back in the boardroom where after all the song and dance numbers, Audrey will be fired.

Audrey: But Mr. Trump, I wanted John to be fired.

The Donald: We'll see.

cut to golf course

Erin: So our reward was to spend the afternoon playing golf with The Donald and Cristie Kerr, I’m not for sure who she is, but I do know she can play golf

Stephanie: I’m so excited about finally winning something, and next week I don’t have to do anything.

Alex: Don’t remind me.

The Donald: Ok now, if anyone can hit the green I’ll give them $1000

Cristie Kerr: You’re on!

GET READY, THE BIG FINALLE IS NEXT

back in the board room

The Donald: So Audrey, why did you loose?

Audrey: I don’t know but it wasn’t my fault.

John: Yes it was

Audrey: No it wasn’t

music plays, spotlights shine on Audrey and John and they stand and sing

Audrey: Anything you can do I can do better

John: I can do anything better than you

Audrey: No you can’t

John: Yes I can

Audrey: No you can’t

John: Yes I can

Audrey: (throwing off dress revealing sequent laiden showgirl outfit as she jumps on the table) No you can’t, No you can’t, No you CANNNN’T

John: (donning top hat and cane jumping on the table) Any task I can do. you can’t do at allll

Audrey: Why would I want to do, anything you did

John: Because you can’t

Audrey: Oh yes I could

John: Oh no you can’t

Audrey: Yes I could

John: No you can’t, no you can’t, no you caaaannnnn’t

John and Audrey dance some more then the spotlights shine on Craig and Angie, singing and dancing taking their place

Craig: Anything you mess I mess up better

Angie: I can mess anything better than you

Craig: Oh no you can’t

Angie: Oh yes I can

spotlights shine on Chris and Tana, ditto

Chris: Anything I can chew I can spit further

Tana: I can spit anything further than you

Chris: Oh no you can’t

Tana: Oh yes I can

Chris: Oh no you can’t, no you cannn’t

spotlights now move to Carolyn and Ashley as the tune changes

Carolyn: When you’ve failed and you don’t know

Ashley: What to say to The Donald-o

Carolyn: Then come and sit

Ashley: The boardroom is the pits

the spotlight broadens as all four teams dance in a nice choreographed number, as The Donald smiles

Audrey and Angie: Dressed up like a fifty dollar who-are

John and Craig: Trying hard to remember what you’re here for

Ghost of Danny: Super duper!

more singing and dancing, but all things must end, especially this summary, so...

The Donald: Bravo, Bravo! Tana you sang off-key on that third number, but head back to the suite.

Tana: Thank you!

The Donald: Chris, you’re a real dip, but you’re dismissed too.

Chris: Yes, sir.

The Donald: Angie, Craig loved the King and I number, you kids got a future, now outta here!

Craig and Angie <rushing off-stage>

The Donald: John you really out to be a little nicer, at least while the camera is rolling, but up to the suite too

John: You’re the boss!

The Donald: Audrey, your beautiful girl, but you’re also fired.

Audrey: Do you mean it?

The Donald: I’m sorry but yes, you’re fired.

Audrey: No, not that, the part about me being beautiful...

The Donald: Of course, now get out of here before I change my mind.

The Carolyn: Well, I’m all outta breath after that one.

The Donald: Well at least no one can accuse me now of hiring the pretty one

The Carolyn: <evil grin> I don’t really think you’d needed to worry about that this season

AND THE CREDITS ROLL

Next time on the Apprentice

A hostile corporate takeover ensues followed by another round of downsizing, how typical.

Cut to Audrey in the cab

Audrey: In the end, those of us that walk away winning, win more than just a loss. Oh and in case you missed it, The Donald said I was purty.

... What? That wasn’t what you saw? Perhaps you should adjust you tv

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