The Bachelorette 1 - Episode 3 Summary

'Eight Is Enough, Already' By samiam

Preface

Okay, I admit it. I didn't watch the first Bachelor. I had no idea who this Trista chick was. She is, in fact, the runner-up loserette from that show. She's from Missouri –- like Aaron The Bachelor, because the casting director's uncle cameraman lives there –- and is a "dancer" for the Miami Bitches in Heat. But she's not just a blonde bimbo (actually, we're not even sure that cuffs and collar match, ifyouknowwhatImean). She has a Master's degree, and, in her spare time, is employed as a pediatric physical therapist, because it makes her feel good about herself when she's around people who are physically unable to slap her senseless.

Last time, on The Bachelorette:

Vegas; a day at a spa; a Chargers game. Drunken kisses and entirely too much crying. Fifteen pitiful specimens of supposed manhood screw up their sphincters and wait for Trista to give them roses. These are not the long-stemmed roses that The Bachelor gave out; these are boutonnieres that she must pin onto their lapels. This would be much more interesting if the guys were shirtless and had to keep from flinching. She sends 7 home, leaving, um…8. These lucky gents are:

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Charlie: a financial analyst/account executive, who likes working out, studying the markets, mainlining hair gel…*yawn* As an aside, the ABC website gives short bios of the bachelors, and includes in each one the guys' heights and weights, because it's okay to objectify men based on their physical characteristics.

Bob: a mortgage banker. I wouldn't want to date him, but I might date the skinny guy inside him waiting to get out. He lists "dating" as a hobby, then goes on to say, "Since my marriage broke up…" I see no correlation there whatsoever.

Greg: the artist formerly known as Greg T ("T, a drink with jam and arsenic"). He's an importer, which is code for "smuggling balloons of coke up my ass." Perhaps he should consider exporting portions of his nose to ease the trade deficit.

Ryan: the firefighter from Vail. Favorite pickup line: "Want to see the little fireman?" Then he shows them the station's dalmation. He writes *shudder* poetry.

Mike: a salesman from the top of his pointy head to the bottom of his hooves…er, toes. Hobbies: Boating and politics. Well, it worked SO well for Gary Hart. He describes himself as relentless and caring, which earns him the bunny-boiling stalker freak award for this show.

Rob: a tech specialist and professional heir to a shrimp fortune. He's hoping to grow a goatee when he enters puberty. Dude, Kurt Cobain called, he wants his hair back.

Jamie: sales director/athletic trainer/pro basketball player. Of course, he was a pro basketball player for 3 months in Sweden, and if that were really panning out for him, would he be doing the other two? He's very in touch with his feminine side, meaning he masturbates a lot and wears women's panties.

Russ: IT consultant/writer. See above for identity crisis. He describes himself as dependable AND fun. Oh boy. He's the one who, upon stepping out of the limo and first meeting Trista, hands her a Tiffany's box, in hopes that he can play "I'll show you my box if you show me yours."

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