Survivor: Cook Islands - Episode 3 Summary

'One Big Happy Family' By zipperhead

DISCLAIMER: This summary may or may not be designed to provoke thoughtful discourse on race relations within the setting of a reality tv show.

However, it should be made absolutely clear that the owner of this website does not condone any racist statements. In addition, the moderators of this website may or may not ‘fess up to their preferences for certain flavors of ice cream. Although they certainly do have preferences for flavors of ice cream. Be that as it may, their preferences for one flavor of ice cream over any other should not be made up in any way to represent that they condone any type of racism, even though they are all crackers. Well, there is one who looks more like roti, but he definitely acts like a cracker.

Furthermore, any of you who have come here hoping to see racially demeaning expressions in my summary - expressions such as “limey”, “frog”, “wop”, or “Eskimo” - are going to be disappointed. There are several reasons for this:

1) I refuse to use words like “whitey”, “chink”, “spic” or “darkey” for the sake of humor because they don’t even sound funny. Do you think any of these sound funny? Go ahead and vocalize them just to make sure. Try them out on your co-workers or the local grocer and see if any of them think they sound funny. Let me give you an example. If you were to say, “Hey, spic – you missed a patch of lawn over there,” I doubt if anyone would laugh. Okay, “whitey” is a little funny. But still, why would I use these words in my summary if they’re not really, really funny?

2) When you think about it, some of these words don’t even make sense. “Honkey”? What the hell is that supposed to mean? “Wet back”? I get a wet back every time I mow the friggin’ lawn. So what?

3) There are a lot of ethnicities which are not, as far as I can tell, represented in this season of Survivor. It would be totally unfair of me to use some racial slurs or derogatory expressions and not others. If there had been someone of Indian descent, for instance, we could have said, “Since you’re here, is the water cleaner back home?” But we don’t have anyone like that on the show, so we can’t say that. And Jewish people – are there any jewish contestants this time around? If there were, it would become absolutely necessary to throw out the obligatory remark about “kikes” – kike supposedly coming from an old Yiddish word for circle. That’s a harmless word – circle – isn’t it? But if there are no jews, we can’t go throwing that word around, can we? And if we can’t use “heebie” in this summary, how could we, in fairness, allow “beaner”? It just wouldn’t be fair.

4) Why stop at racist remarks? Shouldn’t we make sure there are no derogatory expressions at all? If there’s a chance to offend, shouldn’t we just avoid that kind of talk altogether, even if it means less potential for humor? And there are a lot of people who could become offended out there. For instance, gay people….

That’s interesting. I just noticed that the big red light on the wall in my living room which is supposed to tell me when I’ve gone too far is all lit up and flashing. I wonder how long it’s been doing that? Oh well. Where was I? Oh, yeah – I don’t even know what “worms up their asses” means anymore now that it’s being applied to “carpet munchers“.

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And don’t even get me started on welfare mothers….

So, I think I’ve made my point. Ethnic slurs are unnecessary and unfunny. They will not be used in this summary. Unless they are well-deserved.

Best if Used by 10/5/06

Previously on Survivor - A chicano who has banged his head once too often at concerts fell head over heels in love with a girl who was simply trying to cheer him up. The rest of his tribe thought he was muy loco and they threw his fat ass out into the ocean. For more details, read this.

Night 6
Aitu Tribe discusses Billy’s surprise revelation at the previous TC that he had fallen in love with one of the girls on the white tribe. Someone asks if maybe Candice was just playing Billy. J.P. thinks that any flirting was strictly in Billy’s head.

Day 7
Puka Tribe. A cameraman is speared while Brad is fishing and they serve him up on the fire. They say he tastes like calamari. Meanwhile, Cao Boi annoys the hell out of his tribe-mates with his constant chatter. By the way, if you’re curious about the “What do you call a Vietnamese with three dogs” joke, the answer is “a vegetarian”. Anyway, Brad has a confessional where he says that he had a Jesus moment. Not sure what that’s supposed to mean. Perhaps he was suggesting that he was God. It’s a shame he didn’t just come right out and say that. Brad also says that, in his opinion, Cao Boi is somewhere to the left of absolutely nuts.

Raro Tribe. Tree mail is totally useless on these guys. They’re like the monsters in the Greek legends who have one eye and one tooth to pass around between them, except in this case it’s one brain and Flika already let it get away. They start doing the caucasian version of calisthenics in preparation for the challenge. In other words, they twist and bend in ways that are most likely to cause an injury.

For some strange reason, we don’t get anything from the Hiki tribe. Maybe they were down at the welfare office when the camera came by to film them.

All of the tribes gather at the challenge site and they are joined by Yul. Either he found the Hidden Immunity Idol or he is really happy to see everyone. Really, really happy.

Jiffy has them all do a strip-tease to remove their buffs. Thank God Billy wasn’t around, huh? He would have consummated his love for Candace right then and there, single-handedly.

Jiffy announces that they are going to break up the tribes that were separated by ethnicity. We’ll see if the simple act of removing buffs is going to allow different types of people to bond. Yes, we will see real soon.

Then the players select rocks from a bag. Parvati, Cecilia, Brad and Jonathan get rocks with X’s on them. No, they are not the new judges for America’s Got Talent (although they would be an improvement). They are the captains who will choose teams. Notice that one of the old tribes is not represented in the list of captains. And one of the other ethnicities is over-represented among the captains. Very, very interesting how that worked out.

To see who gets to pick first, they have to do rock-paper-scissors. Then they have to Indian leg wrestle. Finally, they have to perform surgery in a zero-gravity chamber. When they finally get around to picking teammates, the trick is that they cannot select someone from an old tribe that is already represented on their new team. This is called the quota system - it may be frowned upon in colleges but it works just fine in reality tv. The women go first. Cecilia chooses Jessica/Flicka/the tattooed woman. Parvatti goes after Jenny. Jessica picks Sundra. Jenny picks Christina. Sundra has to take Becky. Christina has no choice but to pick from one of the two black women left. *urge to insert serious commentary suppressed* Christina picks Rebecca. Candice goes before Stephanie.

Then the guys choose. Brad picks J.P. Jonathan takes Yul. J.P. picks Nate. Yul has no choice but to take Ozzy. Nate’s only option is to take Adam. Cao Boi wanders off into the jungle and locates his older brother who tried to swim to America decades ago.

Then the tribe-mixing experiment gets weird. The four captains have to perform a ritual sacrifice that leaves them splattered with blood and then they have to smear the blood all over themselves and then fight each other with large feathers and yo-yos and every four minutes they have to sing a song about Jiffy‘s chest hair and how they would like to shave it.

There’s that red light, again.

The captains who end up wearing blue blood merge their respective teams and the captains wearing red blood do likewise. These are the new teams:

Aitu: Cecilia, Jessica, Sundra, Becky, Candice, Jonathan, Yul, Ozzy, Cao Boi
Raro: Parvatti, Jenny, Christina, Rebecca, Stephanie, Brad, J.P., Nate, Adam

Raro tribe gets together and they’re all happy. Awwww, how sweet. They all feel like they’re part of a melting pot now. That should be a challenge. The last one to maintain distinguishable features wins. I bet Cao Boi would win that challenge. I love Cao Boi.

At the new Aitu camp, everybody makes themselves feel right at home. Cao Boi and Jessica hit it off while comparing tattoos. Cecilia tells Candice about Billy’s total lust for her and Candace replies, “Yeah, I thought Billy was, like, totally hot when I saw him and I was, like, totally wanting to shack up with him but then, like, at the weird merge ceremony I saw he wasn’t there and I was, like, devastated. I wanted to have a showmance with him so bad.” Cecilia then b!tch-slapped her back to reality. I love b!tch-slaps.

Back at the Raro tribe the men were picking up stones from the beach for some reason. I suppose they just had to get their rocks off. Meanwhile, Parvatti makes plans to help each and every man on her team give up their stones for some bush. What?

The alliances start forming anew in the Aitu tribe. Becky asks Candice if she trusts Jonathan. Candice says yes and then asks Becky if she trusts Yul. Becky says yes. Then they have a tickle fight in the ocean. I love tickle fights. Becky talks to Jonathan about this alliance and for some stupid reason he wants to bring “Flicka” into it. Flicka, or Jessica - let’s call her Flickica - isn’t real bright and she says in a confessional that she did not feel comfortable with Jonathan and Candice before.

Here’s one point I do want to bring up: While Jonathan is talking to Flickica, he says, “I think we can align with a couple of the Asians.” He does not say “Becky and Yul”. He says, “a couple of the Asians.” Good thing those old buffs were removed or the unconscious prejudices would be truly disgusting to behold. Like not picking any black women for your team until you pretty much had to. Damnit! I was trying not to do that. Sorry. Back to what passes for humor in this summary.

Then Becky talks to Yul about the possible alliance. He mentions that Ozzy, Cecilia and Sundra have to feel like they’re in the minority. Can you say, “dangerous swing voters” boys and girls? I knew you could. Then Yul does something that will save him or kill him. He tells Becky that he has the HII. Very risky move, but it should bind her to him in trust. For a while anyway.

Nate caught an octopus for the Raro tribe. Parvatti flirted quite a bit, butOCTOPUSSY! There, it was obvious and I said it, okay? Now let’s move on.

Immunity Challenge
The immunity challenge is a retread from Survivor:Tom Westman, where the two teams have to chase each other around a rope course in the water while carrying sacks of sand. In a short time, Cecilia, Sundra, Candice and Becky hand off their bags to the guys on their team. Someone needs to tell them that stupidity and laziness are not virtues. Just as Nate is saying that the guys on the Aitu tribe can’t carry that much weight for long, Stephanie and Christina drop out in his line. Flickica drops out of the Aitu line and leaves Jonathan carrying three bags. Parvatti leaves the Raro team. Jon hands off one of his bags to Ozzy. Rebecca drops out. The Raro guys close the gap. Cao Boi suggests that they try to outrun the other team. Yul says they can’t do that and then he turns to face J.P., Adam and Nate. His impression of Jet Li is impressive. Maybe it’s just because of his squinty eyes. I dunno. Anyway, if they can catch an octopus, they can throw down a pint-sized old guy like Cao Boi. And they do. Raro wins immunity.

The added bonus to this contest is that Raro gets to choose one member of Aitu to go to Exile Island. They send Candice, who will be exempt from the TC vote. Maybe they were afraid that her wooing capabilities would take one of them out next. The Legend of Billy lives on!!!

At camp, Jonathan and Yul are worried that a member of their fledgling alliance is temporarily gone. Cao Boi and Ozzy talk about getting rid of Becky. Flickica gets caught up with those two guys, as well as Sundra and Cecilia. So what does Flickica do? In front of everybody she tells Jonathan she wants to talk to him. Like I said, she’s an idiot. Jonathan works on her and Yul works on Cao Boi. Flickica and CB bend very slightly, but they don’t like being pressured.

Tribal Concil
Jiffy asks Jonathan about the merge. Jon says it wasn’t too bad, but he would have preferred being on top. Then Jiffy asks Rebecca if she feels powerful since she is the only one here from her original tribe. Does that question make sense to you? Me neither. Yul talks about people’s intentions, Jonathan talks about how people are approaching the game, Flickica talks about getting felt up. Jiffy says that if someone has the HII and gets the most votes, then that person will have to give up the HII and the person with the next highest number of votes will be gone.

Becky, Jonathan, Yul, Cao Boi and Flickica vote for Cecilia.
Cecilia, Ozzy and Rebecca vote for Becky.

Stay tuned for more Survivor: Eugenics Island, where they try harder than ever to prove that race doesn’t matter. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: Hitler would have loved the beginning of this season. Every race in their own tribe and NO JEWS!

Now tell me how much you love me.

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