Survivor: Fiji - Episode 3 Summary

'Dig Like The Wind, Old Woman' By Spanky68

Tonight on Survivor: Fiji: we’ve sunken to the lowest possible depth. Nobody is watching these losers so we’ve jumped not just a shark, but the entire Seaworld ecosystem. In desperation we’ve hired sportsradio shock jock Jim Rome to replace Jeff Probst. So without further ado, we give you Jim Rome in the Fiji jungle:

Greetings. What is up!?! I am pumped up to get a chance to push Probst out of a job…er I mean a chance to guest host for a week.

On day 6 Ravu dragged back in from Tribal Council, after jettisoning the one useful member of their pathetic tribe for the sin of …gasp…not as big a moron as the rest of them and yelling at them for being such cretins. I would have yelled, too, Erica.

Yau man proved he is once again the master of the obvious when he said “We came to a realization that we are not quite connected together yet as a tribe”. Really Yau? Ya think? What gave you the clue? The fact that you guys couldn’t take candy from a newborn in a challenge? The fact that you can’t STAND each other? And you are the smart one? Is there any hope for Ravu?

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Mookie, who clearly hasn’t learned anything from Erica’s boot, dares to take the lead when he suggests that they get some coconuts in the morning. James agrees, hesitantly. For some reason he is afraid someone will think he’s competent. James, don’t sweat it, my man. You are SAFE!

Rita, who apparently HAS seen the show before when she wasn’t tricking out Jon Benet wannabes, raises her hand like a kindergartener and asks permission to try to start a fire “if I see a big sun”. Michelle, who CAN’T possibly be older than 11 said she’d help if she could get a note from her 4th grade teacher giving her permission to hang on the beach.

James has a rare brush with reality when he admits Ravu is the “biggest group of losers that Survivor has ever seen”. Hey James, this is a step forward for you. But then he proves it wasn’t permanent when he says “I don’t know what it is…I think dey put a jinx on us or a curse”. James, if Charles Barkley is posting up against Barney, he wouldn’t need to put any curse on him to beat the purple dinosaur by 300 points. James goes on to boldly lay out his plan for the next challenge: “I’m not telling anyone what to do…but maybe someone could…not take charge…but be the only one talking during the challenge.” James grow some stones and take charge, my man. What Would Rocky Do? Ask yourself that!

Then there was little more babbling by the losers from Ravu. Cue the opening montage. You know, the one that has the scary native ninja guys and the skulls. I’m not gonna talk about the commercials except the one with the overly-macho dude talks while the Ford truck puts itself together. Damn, as if the American auto industry didn’t have enough to worry about before. Now trucks just assemble themselves without a union auto worker anywhere in the zip code.

When we come back Lisi and Stacy are ant-proofing their Fiji pleasure dome with blue paint. Boo and the boys are grilling some Tbones while Liliana and the girls whip up a chocolate mousse.

We get some forshadowing…or a red herring…with Moto saying that they’re having too much fun. “It’s not survival,” said Boo, “It’s thrival” Then Lisi said that Ravu would soon start dropping like flies because the Ravus couldn’t catch a break. Man, when you hear that you know Burnett is about to drop the hammer and kick them all to the bad beach. Right? Right? Surely this is the challenge where Ravu wins and I get to drop a “losing tribe gets the bad beach” on them.

No. Because the Reward Challenge was custom made for a tribe with athleticism. Ravu is screwed again.

But first Earl comes back from Exile. Note that the tribe greeted him warmly. Did ya notice that, Sylvia? Stinks to be you, doesn’t it? Especially when Earl busts out a “they greeted me like homeless begger kids” blast to sum up the “tribe” you’ve been allegedly “leading” while he was gone.

Yau Man hugged Earl so that he could pat him down for the Immunity Idol, but Earl just folded that old man up with a punch to the gut. “Get off me, you old perv!”, shouted Earl. {ok, that didn’t happen, but it SHOULD have happened}

11 year old Michelle invited the sun to “come out and play…because my momma doesn’t want me to die out here”. I kid you not! And just like that…Fire. The kid shoots…and she SCORES. Great job, Michelle.

James then dooms Ravu by saying the fire has geeked-up the tribe. “I’d be scared to be the other team right now. We’re so fired up right now it’s ridiculous.” Is THIS the forshadowing? Will the real red herring please stand up?

I pretended to compliment Moto before the RC. I asked James if things were better and he bragged about “my girl Michelle” starting a fire. I pointed out that very few tribes had ever started a fire on their own. I couldn’t stop smiling. What were the odds that these losers would be the ones to start fire when they couldn’t chew gum and walk simultaneously?

In the RC we made the Survivors run and slide down a greased slip and slide course, pick up tennis balls and throw them into one of those little hoops that you see in the cheap arcades at a Chucky Cheese’s. Members of each tribe went go head to head until one side got 6 goals. Then I teased Ravu with some cool rewards. The Motos…er winners would get to choose from their luxury items (Hey Burnett, since when are we letting them bring luxuries out here again?), fishing gear (identical to the gear Moto got last week) or fresh fruit (which Moto wouldn’t want to eat as it would be a huge step down from their typical 10,000 calorie feasts).

In the first match the whale-like Gary faced off against Anthony, a young black man. Reinforcing every known stereotype, Anthony immediately used his body to gain a tremendous advantage as Gary fell like a drunk geriatric on ice. But then Gary jumped up, put his shattered rib and three feet of his intestine back into his abdomen and sank his 2nd toss to punk Anthony. How did that taste, Anthony? I bet the fellas back in the hood are gonna let you live that one down…or not.

In the 2nd heat it was Rita for Ravu vs Cassandra. This would be a ratings bonanza. Busty women…oily mat…if only Burnett would leave those pixels off the footage, we’dl beat American Idol. Cassandra hit the mat as hard as Gary, but her oobs absorbed the shock that snapped Gary’s ribs like twigs. In fact, Cassandra somehow harnessed the fall to jet down the track {mental note to me: check her rack for jet packs}. Rita, whose breasts are 1/3 the size of Cassandra’s cassavas but who is somehow the only one pixilated, sank her 2nd shot to tie up the challenge. Surely this means Ravu will beak the streak!

And on cue, here came hungry James to face Moto’s well-fed Boo. I should note at this point that Boo looked pretty buff with his shirt on. But here, shirtless he looked like any standard-issue slob, with a flabby belly and little muscle tone . Looks are not only deceiving. They lie like a politician. Boo and James both hit the mat about 10 feet out, but James somehow stuck to the oily mat. Boo though, took off like he had a rocket pack up his butt. I mean he was flying down the mat faster than Ben Johnson could run hyped up on Red Bull and Roids. Boo executed an action-hero worthy move, grabbing his ball off the rope and bouncing up in the same motion. He nailed his first shot to win before James wais even half way down the track.
Boo runs back to his team, celebrating as if he’s just beaten Tom Westman instead of the most pathetic tribe of all time. How did that sportsmanship taste, Rocky?

In an Asian matchup prepubescent Michelle tried to keep up with an unknown young adult named Stacy. Could the kid come through twice in one episode? Apparently not. Stacy jumped out to a huge lead, sliding like a snot lump down a doornob while Michelle stuck ala James. Thankfully, most of the shots in this heat were of Stacy’s oily bikini bottom. Shots of Michelle would certainly have gotten Burnett in trouble for kiddie porn. Stacy bounced her 3rd shot home, eliminating the wunderkind and giving Moto a 3-1 bulge.

Moto’s Alex took on Mookie in the 5th heat. Mookie acted like he’s the Moto here, sliding down the track like one of those Euros on a luge in the Olympics. You’d figure Alex, a lawyer, would be used to being slippery. But I guess not. Mookie pulled his tribe back within one basket by sinking a shot free-throw style. Oh yeah, Ravu is getting lucky tonight.

Sylvia then got a chance at redemption when she faced some stranger that I’ve never seen on the game before called Lilliana. Seriously, Burnett, who is this Lilliana? She’s not hot enough to be some hooker you slipped onto the show without us noticing. Oh well, Sylvia looked hungry enough to win even though she’s about 3 times as old as this stranger. But the alleged smartest person on this season has learned NOTHING from watching the previous heats. Sylvia falls down more quickly and less gracefully than Gary. Though none of her body parts fly out, she flails around like a fish in a parking lot. I am not sure if my eyes deceived me, but it looked like she was somehow moving BACKWARD instead of getting closer to the stranger down the track. Somewhere in America Becky and Sundra’s firemaking abilities were laughing at Sylvia’s athleticism. Lilliana stopped laughing long enough to lob 6 or 8 or 100 shots at the goal while Sylvia doesn’t even get a chance to get a shot off. Mercifully, the stranger hit one to put Moto up 4-2.

Next Earl met Edgardo. The only mildly-competent Ravu would surely score to put them back in this game. Right? Right?!?! Edgardo doesn’t believe in the myth of black foot speed as he gets down the track faster than Earl. This heat ended quickly as the Moto mojo continued when Edgardo connected.

Facing elimination again Ravu sent Yau Man to take on the hyper, homeless cheerleader, Dre (who I refuse to call Dreamz). So far three African Americans had played this hoops game and NONE of them had won. Yau Man looked hungry. He could do it. Lisi didn’t think so. She looked at Yau Man and laughed in his face from her perch as the only Moto sitting out the challenge. Gotta love that vaunted Moto sportsmanship! With his tribe’s challenge on his bony little shoulders, Yau Man pulled up his baggy trunks to his navel, adjusted his coke-bottle glasses and smoothed his receeding hair. THIS had to be the forshadowing, right? Not quite. Yau Man scurried down the track well enough to beat most of the Motos, but Dre was 1/3 his age and looked like a professional wrestler all oiled up. Yau Man would have won if he could have hit any of his first 10 shots, as Dre kept missing his, too. But Yau lined up his shots as if he was launching a space flight, while Dre shot ball after ball like the ADD kid without his Ridalin. When Dre finally hits home, Yau’s shoulders sag a little more and the challenge ends with another of those greasy Moto victory hugs.

Moto took a 2nd set of fishing gear and sent Sylvia to Exile Island. Why? They clearly hate her. Why not send one of the people they LIKE to EI?

In her EI confessional, Sylvia proved she is not a complete moron by confessing that she is incompetent and wondering if Ravu will vote her off. She gets a clue for the Immunity Idol that even James would have a chance to figure out. The problem is that the Idol is hidden right under the tribe.

Back on Club Med Moto beach, Dre bragged about how “he takes no prisoners…not even women and children”. Er, I don’t want to break it to you, Dre, but my toddler son and wife could have spanked Yau Man and Sylvia faster than you did. Dre then joked about how funny it was to see Gary fall.

On cue, Gary began dying right there on camera. Dre looked only mildly concerned, but the Aussie bush doctors came out to diagnose Gary. After poking and prodding him, they reached into his side and put some of his damaged parts (including, but not limited to, his ribs, spleen, small intestine, large intestine and a crank shaft from a ’57 Chevy) back inside his rib cage. Then they patched him up with duct tape and super glue. “We didn’t see any evidence that he was actually dead…yet. So we pieced ‘im back together and gave ‘im some aspirin. Good as new, mate. You shou’d be fine now…unless you stop breathin’.” Ouch. Is this Australian health care? Do they just stitch your severed limbs back on with spare shoe laces and then send you back to work 10 minutes later? It makes sense. Seems like Crocodile Dundee would do it that way, right? Ok, whatever.

Alex the Ambulance Chaser said he “looks up to Gary and he’s in our prayers.” What, you mean they somehow let you out of law school without stamping out your desire to pray for a man in need? Or did you mean that you were “praying that you could get him to quit so that you could get farther in the game”?

Tree mail said something like “brak brak we’re gonna do something Ravu won’t suck at too much..brak brak.” Lisi gets another confessional to foreshadow a Ravu win. “When you think it’s going your way, Burnett stacks the deck to give the other pathetic losers some sort of break,” or something like that.

Alex takes another confessional shot at Gary’s health. First saying he doesn’t want Gary losing a challenge, but then playing the “Gary’s health is more important than the game” card. We call that plausible deniability. Now THAT is what I expect from a mouthpiece.

Sylvia rejoins Ravu and they don’t say a word to greet her. Silence. Ouch.

When the tribes settle in, I revealed that the challenge would be a food eating contest. Ravu practically climaxed. Yau Man claimed that his bunch was more hungry than Moto. Again with the obvious, Mr. Science! Heck, EVERYONE is more hungry than Moto. Those guys who eat…I don’t know…1,000 hot dogs on 4th of July in that contest….10 minutes after they push away from the table, THEY are more hungry than Moto. Is this the foreshadow?

I assured them that everything they were going to eat today “Fijians eat”…by which I mean a few people on Fiji might eat these things if they have starved for 6 months…and we paid them Fear Factor-type money…and they were trying to impress Fijian chicks who dig Fijian guys eating gross junk. Yeah, that is what I meant to say.

James and Lilliana were first and I served them up some heaping mass of mucus that I told them was a “giant clam” {Insert your own pervy joke here, I refuse to touch a setup this easy}. Lilliana downed her clam before James could finish his, but she had a micron of clam stuff in one of her hardly-visible back molars. I spotted it and called her on it while James choked down the last of his clam. NOW THAT is what Rocky would do! Surely THIS would be the challenge that ends the Moto dominance.

Dre and Sylvia got to eat some octopus tentacle next. An Asian would have eaten octopus more often than a homeless guy, right? RIGHT?!?! Nope. Dre jammed it down his piehole like it was a dumpster morsel and beat Sylvia again.

Mookie and Lisi had to eat peanut worms. That is not a euphemism. They were peanut worms. Really. Lisi seems like the kind of person who would gnosh on worms. But again, we surpise you. Mookie inhales his so quickly that he has time to taunt Lisi into puking. Boo, the noted paragon of sportsmanship, gets offended by someone celebrating a victory over a hapless opponent. {and if there were justice in Fiji, he would have been struck by a lightning bolt that erased all of Moto}. Even lacking that, for a brief moment, Ravu found itself squarely on the moral high ground.

That nanosecond passed when James popped off with something about “blowing off people…”and told Boo to “chill out bro” with a look like he wanted to fight Boo. Even though Boo isn’t buff, we know he could rip off a dozen or more of James’ body parts before James could possibly dial 911. But the important thing is that Moto is now PISSED that someone would dare trash talk Boo or Lisi (and I puked when the full force of the irony hit me).

Earl drew Alex in a sea cucumber showdown. Earl dropped his as if it was a poisonous snake while Alex swallowed all the cuke, the plate and two of my fingers before I could stop him. Now tied 2-2, Earl blamed the lack of water.

In the biggest mismatch yet, Edgardo (a fully grown man) faced Michelle, a 3rd grader who was still clutching her Dora the Explorer lunch box. He jammed all 5 of the fish eyes into his mouth in the time that it took Michelle to look helplessly for her mommy. Moto went up 3-2 as Michelle also blamed the lack of water.

Anthony guzzled a canteen full of water to prepare as the Motos lugged Gary up to the table on a stretcher, built a travois and prop him up with his mouth open. With his tribe’s fate on the line, Anthony could surely beat a cripple old enough to be his grandpa, right? Somehow, Gary came to life and put a wicked head fake move on Anthony, who was trying to put on his best game face. I gave them pig snouts (hairy ones, mind you) and they both took a bite. But Anthony couldn’t even get his first bite down while Gary was eating it like it was Christmas ham. Anthony never even finished half a snout, but Gary ate all three snouts, the table and two hapless production assistants before I could hit him in the broken rib with a tazer I carry for just such occasions. Easy there, old man. Easy.

Anthony was gonna cry, while James and Mookie looked sick. They didn’t feel any compassion for Anthony, I’m guessing.

Ravu limped back home and postured for a while as if they were not gonna vote Sylvia off unanimously. They brak brak brakked for a while about Sylvia maybe having the Idol. So they decide to give some votes to Anthony just in case, too.

Sylvia distracted the tribe with a heartfelt confession. “I suck. I have no skills. I need to find the idol or they’ll vote me off.” All the while she was looking for the II right under their noses.

James said he wanted to vote Anthony off because Anthony is whiney. James is a pot. A black pot. He says that Anthony is a kettle. A black kettle.

Mookie agrees and wants Anthony off almost as much as the others want Sylvia to sleep wit da fishes.

Sylvia knows she’s out if she can’t find the Idol. So she digs like a dog. Dig like the wind old woman, dig.

We cut to TC before Sylvia can find the Idol. I asked the tribe to describe Ravu in one word. Anthony: “tired” Yauman: “Not very happy.” He even screws up his one-word answer. Sheesh.

I then taunt Sylvia about her challenge performance by saying “Sylvia, are you the most pathetic survivor ever, or has there been a bigger waste of carbon?” Sylvia admits she is hopeless and can’t come through in the clutch. She has obviously never seen the show. Way to make the target on your back even BIGGER, Sylvia!

But then Mookie blindsides Anthony by saying he has no will to win. The two tussle verbally but nobody drops any F-bombs. Judd would’ve ripped either of these morons into shreds.

Mookie votes first and votes Anthony (for his attitude)
Michelle uses a fat crayon to vote for Sylvia

Just to torture Sylvia more than normal, I demand that she play the Idol before I count the votes, if she has it. She shakes her head.

I draw the tally out as long as I can, but finally Sylvia gets 4 votes, Anthony 3 and Earl gets 1 (Rita did it).

Sylvia leaves graciously. And then confesses that she still likes the group, but wants to see them “after they have clawed each other’s eyes out” later on. You were expecting some scrapbooking over a steaming mug of hot chocolate maybe? You came here thinking people WOULDN’T claw your eyes out?!?! Geez, where do we find these people?!?!

Next time on Survivor: buzzards circle Gary’s decaying body…Lilliana goes all Parvati on the guys, telling one of them not to drool while giving him a massage…and James rips into Anthony by the fire, causing Anthony to tear up the next day and declare that “he’s not giving up”.

And I am out of here. Good night now!

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