Survivor: Fiji - Episode 5 Summary

'Rocky XIV - Love Many, Trust Few, Do Wrong to No One.' By PepeLePew13

Last week: Rocky ranted. Moto smote Ravu. Rocky threw rocks. Moto creamed Ravu. Liliana got booted.
This week: Moto smote Ravu. Rocky ranted. Moto creamed Ravu. Rocky said 'I suck.' Rita got booted.
Next week: Repeat. Insert name of hapless Ravu to be booted: ___________

Thanks for reading, folks! You've been a great audience!

Bashers Forum: Ahem. It might be true, but that's not a summary!

Oh come on. You actually expect me to remember all of the names and sit through a Rocky mumbling? Moviegoers wouldn't pay to go see 'Rocky Balboa' in the theatres so why should I pay to watch these losers again? By 'paying', I mean the electricity used and the depreciation value of subjecting my poor television to the Ravus. That’s cruel and unusual punishment.

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Bashers Forum: Shut up and write. We want blood.

Okay, okay... On to the episode.

Last week:

• Rocky unloaded on Urkel Spike Lee Anthony. It’d be a lot more entertaining to watch Rocky punch the lights out of others in camp instead of just berating them – we’re now at the point where we can predict what’s going to come out of his mouth even before he opens it.

• At the reward challenge, Moto played leap-frog and won again.

• Papa Smurf finally felt the effect of all those years of Smurfs drinking games and was forced to quit, got carried off the island on a stretcher. You know, these college drinking games where you pick a character on The Smurfs and every time that character spoke, you drank a shot? That’s what happened to Papa Smurf; he started imbibing during his own shows.

• Moto inevitably won the immunity challenge and afterwards, they opened a message in a bottle and found out they had to choose between having immunity and living on Ravu’s camp or keeping their comfort zone and booting someone. It took about .004 seconds for Lisi to sing out “We’re booting somebody’s ass tonight!” before any of the guys had a chance to voice their opinion. Liliana got the boot after Dreamz called out Lisi and Cassandra as best boot options.

...or you could just read Cyndimaus’s summary.

Night 11 – Camp Catatonic

The Ravus are in a state of shock as they’re not sure what they’re supposed to do now that they’ve got the Immunity Javelin with them. Never mind the fact that they didn’t actually win it – it was handed to them by their opponents because it was more important to the Moto-Qs to keep their Pier 1 furniture, 60” plasma TVs and Williams-Sonoma kitchen goods than to keep the numbers in their favour in this game.

As the rest of the tribe is laying around in catatonic shock, Earl and Yau Man uses the opportunity to discuss the hidden Immunity Idol clues since they’re the only ones left in camp that has actually been to Exile Island. Yau Man turns on the geek-speak:

Yau Man: The clues to the whereabouts of the immunity idol definitely points to the fact that it is in our tribal camp area. In fact, it is very specific that it is at the threshold of our cave where we are sleeping. It is very frustrating. I sort of know where it is and I don’t know how to get to it.
(Editor translation – in other words, Yau: It’s in camp and you know where it is but it’s hard to get to. There. I saved you 46 words)

Earl: It’s deep. So how deep is deep? And we don’t have anything to dig. The ground gets hard after six inches. And with that machete, forget it.

Yo Earl, there’s something else that gets hard at six inches that might do a better job of burrowing through than a machete, so maybe you could try that…

Earl: I’ll take the followers to the top of the mountain and show them where I’m the King of Fiji, while you dig, ok?
Yau Man: Deal.

Morning, Day 12 – Camp Clueless

Michelle is cogitating her fate on the beach while everyone else is still asleep. She comments that while the other tribe has all the food, fishing equipment and furniture, the Ravus do have a clean water supply. Woo, that’ll get the tribe fired up.

Earl: C’mon, let’s go hunt for food. Or we’ll just stroll somewhere far from this camp. No sirree, no particular reason except to get the hell away from here. Ya wanna eat? You will come. Chop chop, let’s go. Now.

Considering their ineptitude so far after four episodes, is anyone surprised that nobody is putting two and two together that there’s a reason why Yau Man is staying behind in camp while everyone else is off to see Mount Earl? I didn’t think so. Obviously they’re still in a state of shock over not going to Tribal Council the night before.

The scheme might have worked if Earl was the one to stay behind in camp while Yau Man took the followers out, but as it was, Yau Man basically just poked meekly around in the dirt for a bit before saying it’s too hard for him to dig with the machete. I don’t know about you but I certainly didn’t get a sense of urgency from Yau there – you’ve got to go deeper than 1/2 inch into the dirt, which is about the size of his … ah never mind. Yao Ming he's not.

And don’t you love the fact that Yau is taking the time to give a couple of confessionals on camera when time is limited and he’s got to dig as much as he can with the tribe away? Once a desperate attention whore, always a desperate attention whore…

Day 12 – The Hilton Royal Fijian Suites

Squeal. The Motos get a Pottery Barn catalogue in their treemail. It’s a tough decision for them as they already have about 85% of the catalogue items in their resort already, but they have to decide on two things they’ll no doubt be winning at the reward challenge. Bickering goes on over what they’ll order from the catalogue.

Over at the dilapidated Motel 6-wannabe, the Ravus debate on which picture they’ll settle for licking in order to get the imaginary taste to satiate themselves. Earl says it’s like the Prince of Bel Air’s mansion over there while it’s Good Times on Ravu. Rocky wants food while Earl thinks they should feast their eyes on fishing gear. Rocky points out that you can’t lick a fish hook. Good point.

Reward Challenge

Say, doesn’t the set-up look awfully familiar? Let’s listen in on a production meeting:

Burnett: How can we save money on this challenge?
Staffer: Palau's just a couple of island chains over, I could go pick up the wrestling ring.
Burnett: It's got to be different.
Staffer: I could take the pillows, re-sew them and make them longer and fluffier. And paint the ring in Fijian colours.
Burnett: Thought Ashlee took these pillows with her?
Staffer: No, they were used to stuff Wanda's mouth in Loser Lodge.
Burnett: Ok, works for me. Go. Take the catamaran as we've got to keep our costs down. Watch out for the sharks that the show's been jumping over.

Moto, in particular B-o-o shows up at the RC with giant bits of mangoes in their mouths. A nice little psych game, eh? As Jiffy announces the rules that the first team to score 7 points would win and unveils what each tribe are playing for – Ravu’s playing for bread crumbs and croutons while Moto’s playing for a new bathroom extension and a deluxe cappuccino/espresso maker along with a personal barista – Dreamz mocks the prizes that Ravu is going for, and this lights a fire under Rocky as he slowly goes into character mode and screams towards Dreamz, "You’re gonna eat lightning and you’re gonna crap thunder!” Jiffy decides to throw these two out there first to let them blow off their machismo, so Rocky and Dreamz get into their robes and stroll out towards the ring. Both of their entourages wisely decide to remain on their benches.

In the neon-green corner, we’ve got Dreamz playing the role of Apollo Creed! Well, in deference to Carl Weathers no longer being with us, maybe we should just rename the character ‘Appalling Greed’ in light of the Moto luxury on top of more luxury while chasing the $1 million winner’s prize? Dreamz checked in at a semi-chiseled 6’ and 180 lbs.

In the orange corner, we’ve got Rocky! (waits for cheers that never comes) He comes in at a rather unchiseled 5’9” and 110 lbs (no I'm sure that’s not a typo), but at least he’s got a mouth and he looks like a teenaged Stallone.

In the bout, Rocky battled like, well, Rocky Balboa did in the first few rounds of every single fight. In other words, he just stood there and let Dreamz beat the hell out of him with the pillow before he finally was knocked off the ring. Gah, where’s Burgess Meredith when you need him? Rocky was last seen screaming “Adriaaaaaan!” before he disappeared into the mud. Rita piped up, “I’m Rita not Adrian, idiot.” 1-0 for Moto.

The second bout featured Rita and Cassandra. The two just ran at each other as if they were competing in a bumper cars carnival ride, they went “sproiiiiiing!” upon contact (imagine yourself running into a brick wall with a giant rubber ball in front of you – it was like that for Rita) and the much larger, more well-fed Cassandra bounced Rita into the mud on only two hits with the pillow. 2-0.

The next four bouts featured more of the same: Motos beating the crap out of Ravus without much of a struggle as Edgardo thumped Anthony; Lisi won as a wisp of wind blew Michelle into the mud; B-o-o dispatched Earl; and Alex (wearing a wifebeater and just rounding into form for his future aspirations) just nipped Mookie in a well-fought match. 6-0.

Finally, the Ravus got a biscuit tossed their way as Yau Man took on Stacy in a rather unfair fight. It was one of those can’t win fights as Yau would be facing a “well you’re supposed to beat a girl” if he won and ultimate humiliation if he lost. Yau ended up winning after dragging Stacy along the edge for a bit before tipping her over into the mud. 6-1.

In the final bout, it was a rematch between Rita and Cassandra with the results being similar – the difference is that it only took one hit for Cassandra to knock Rita upside down into the mud. Two bouts, three hits, two KO’s for Cassandra and one concussion for Rita. Game, set, match, 7-1 for Moto.

Off goes Earl to Exile Island, no doubt to spare him of the ignominy of having to hang around with a bunch of losers in camp – the producers are doing what they can to keep him from getting too beaten down mentally so he could go far in the game, I'm sure, as he's one of a very few that isn't displaying a severe case of verbal diarrhea so far.

Camp Entitlement

The Motos arrive to find toiletries, a coffee set, potatoes and fishing gear waiting for them. Dreamz asks Paris and Nicole about how to make coffee and got no answers from the girls. Fine. He goes off and makes his own coffee in a small mug – without filtering the coffee. Good to the last coffee ground!

*BREAKING NEWS*

Alex has a conscience!

That’ll come as big news to his girlfriend back in L.A.

Alex comments that the girls have been downright rude to Dreamz and Cassandra and they’ve got to keep them in the loop. Paris and Nicole just don’t care. Nicole says that Dreamz and Cassandra have no allies in the game and they’ll get picked off when it’s time – not getting her toenails buffed seems to have put her in a nasty mood this morning.

Who are you and what have you done to the post-Survivor Alex we've come to know and grown to love?

Dreamz and Cassandra commences chewing on their coffees in small mugs while Paris and Nicole rolls their eyes while gulping down freshly pressed coffees in giant mugs. Alex comments he doesn’t know how to make coffee, and Nicole jumps up to tell him how. Can’t get any more blatant than that, folks. Alex adds that "Instant karma is going to get you." Yes, Alex, let’s see how karma comes back to bite you while you’re going through the court process at the moment…

Exile Island

Earl gets his next clue.

Earl: I knew that already! Give me something new, huh…

Day 13 - Camp Useless

Rita defends her lack of sumo wrestling technique by saying the only sumo she’s seen is from Fat Bastard on Austin Powers. I’m not sure what made her think that’s going to help unless she planned on sticking her hand up Cassandra’s butt to plant the mojo. Rita decides to make herself useful and heads over to braid Michelle’s hair.

Rita: Lip gloss!
Michelle: Fashion!
Rita: Lip gloss!
Michelle: Fashion!
Rocky: I want to hang myself with my own T-shirt.
Anthony: My brain’s leaking out of my head.
Rita: Lip gloss!
Michelle: Fashion!
Rocky: I’d like to smack Rita with a fried pineapple.

So, Rocky, how is a fried pineapple different from a fresh pineapple? And you might win some challenges if you ate them instead of beating people over the head with them...

Day 13 - Camp Mathematically-Challenged

Alex is worried Dreamz and Cassandra will feel sufficiently PO'ed enough to switch over to the other tribe when they merge, so he breaks out the chalkboard and does a math exercise with his tribemates.

Alex: What's 7 minus 2 and 3 plus 2?
Lisi: Cool, whatever.
Alex: No it's not cool.
Lisi: *shrug* What, me worry?

Alex: What's 7 minus 2 and 3 plus 2?
Stacy: How the hell should I know? As long as it doesn't include Dreamz and Cassandra.

Alex: What's 7 minus 2 and 3 plus 2?
B-o-o: Don't we want to get rid of them anyway?
Alex: Aaaah! Kill me now!
Maybe Rocky's all done hanging himself with his T-shirt; you could use it.

Alex: *sigh* What's 7 minus 2 and 3 plus 2?
Edgardo: More coffee for us and less shit for us to waste toilet paper on if we get rid of Lisi and Stacy?
Alex: Finally somebody has a clue in this camp!

The two of them agree to work on making sure all 7 include each other so Alex goes back and gives a pep talk on including Dreamz and Cassandra. Dreamz is all pumped up to be included with the cool kids again but he's still putting on a poker face and vowing to jump ship as soon as the tribes merge. Might this be a million-dollar poker bluff, folks?

The Moto Trophy Presentation Immunity Challenge

It’s a game of Concentration! First tribe to uncover 7 matching pairs of slabs wins immunity and slabs must be turned over without help from tribemates. It wasn’t a shock in the slightest bit when Moto won the paper-rock-scissors competition to find out which tribe would start first. They quickly went up 2-0 before Ravu started chipping away at the lead.

The supposed brain of the Ravu tribe, Yau Man, had a brain fart as he couldn’t remember where the Motos had just opened up a certain slab, so he ended up missing an opportunity to pull his tribe closer.

An excited Lisi does an impressive impersonation of a Ravu meal by diving onto the ground and scarfing up a bunch of dirt. Note that her tribe were rather quiet about her fall. Then she completely forgot where the slab she wanted was and was disqualified when she approached the wrong slab and somebody on her team said “oh no!” Instant karma, indeed. Looks good on ya, eh beyotch?

After a series of cool fast-forwarded images of each tribe turning over matching slabs, we’re now at a 6-6 tie. Thank you producers for not prolonging the agony on TV! Michelle and Edgardo fail to find matches, and suddenly the Ravus have a chance to win it, but they all yap over each other, confusing Rocky in the process. Rocky picks out the same numbers that Edgardo just flipped over – except it was a different 9. Cassandra strolled over to flip over the winning 9’s to score immunity for the Motos yet again.

Camp Hapless

Ok boys and girls, gather around. It’s time for Rocky’s weekly tirade.

Rocky: Can I say something or no? I suck. It’s my fault. I’m stupid. It’s your fault too. You all yapyapyapyapyap non-stop, how the hell am I supposed to think?

Rita put one foot into the grave by speaking up that she agreed they yapped too much.

Anthony: Let’s get rid of Rocky! Less tension. Or Rita. Less burning of ears. I’m ok, and doggonit people like me!
Mookie: Yau, who do you wanna get rid of?
Yau Man: Either Rita or Anthony. Neither will make a great impact on the way the tribe operates. (Editor translation: Rita or Anthony, both suck. Words saved: 11)
Oooh, ladies and gentlemen, we have a player!

After a little back-and-forth with Mookie, Rocky, Michelle and Rita, we’re still left with Rita and Anthony on the platter as the boot options as the tribe heads towards Tribal Council.

Tribal Council

Yau Man says it’s frustrating to lose all the time – his brain fart embarrassed him. Mookie played the strategy of deflecting the focus from himself to Rocky by bringing up that Rocky wanted to take the blame. Rocky points out it’s a good thing they lost because the island would have exploded if they won. Laughter was stifled when Rita said she keeps the tribe amused and spirits up with her “amusing stories.” Yau Man says “Love many, trust few, do wrong to no one.”

Earl (votes Rita): You’ve got verbal diarrhea.
Rita (Anthony): Majority, brak brak, I can’t go against the majority – what will my kids think? {other than that your stories and perception of tribal dynamics seriously suck?}
Rocky (Rita): You wouldn’t let me call you Adriaaaaan! So, out you go.
Michelle (Anthony): You’re a wimp. You let Mookie push you around. Bye.
Anthony (Rita): At least I know my stories are boring. I like you as you’re delusional.
Mookie (Rita): I'm sorry but it's part of the game. You've developed a majority.
Yau-Man (Rita): It comes down to who is the most disposable. Both you and Anthony are. However, I have to go with the majority to make it through the next round. Sorry, nothing personal. (Editor translation: Either you or Anthony – I went with the majority. Ciao. Words saved: 22)

Rita got voted out by a 5-2 margin. Fashion and Lip Gloss voted Anthony, the men all voted Rita.

Final words: “Brak brak, I leave the game feeling very proud. I hope my kids aren’t terribly embarrassed as hell with my sumo wrestling and being kicked out early in the game.”

Next week:

• Jiffy: Drop your buffs, guys!
• Rocky and Dreamz immediately put up their fists and were about to storm each other when Jiffy said, "I said 'buffs' guys!"
• Oh, yeah. They then embraced each other and announced they were now teammates.
• Jiffy: Who gets the loser camp and who gets to go to Le Chateau Moto?
Tune in on March 21st to find out!

Thanks for reading, folks. Only 3,317 numbing words to get through!

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