The Next Joe Millionaire - Episode 7 Summary

'Germany Outwits Holland (Again)' By Bucky Katt

Previously on The Next Joe Millionaire

Olinda (Isn’t she the blonde chick from Abba?) got the boot and we are down to three girls left: Anique, Cat and Petra.

Opening Credits

Now, thanks to this show the percentage of Americans who can find Germany on a map will double to 6%. They sure searched high and low for these women – five whole countries! We now know that the Czech Republic is the Texas of Europe when it comes to finding reality television DAWs. And for those that are wondering what happened to Slovakia, read this.

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Ah yes, Paul the Butler - still the best part of this show. I feel for poor Paul, while the women only had to shovel horseshit in one episode he has to do it twice every Monday. For his sake, I hope that booze is real.

You Can Just Feel Love

We start with the three remaining pieces of Eurotrash having breakfast while trying unsuccessfully to mask the obvious sexual tension between them. Anique and Petra are so jealous that Cat is falling head over heels for Joe – no wait, Evan? Bob? Andrew? Rob? David! – and they want her for themselves. You know what they say about Dutch women! Uh, me either. Ok, so there is no sexual tension, I just wanted to make this highly repetitive and utterly dull segment a little bit exciting. Besides, we all know Petra is the only bisexual in the bunch.

Anique’s Date

David takes Anique on a helicopter ride and then for dinner and “dessert”. Highlights of the date in no particular order:

Anique: “I’m not tired and I’m not feeling like sleeping.”
David: “Come visit.”
Anique: “Wanna be my co-pilot right now?”
David: “Guys, I’m a gentleman, and I just need my privacy.”
--- Door shuts ---
Anique: “So it was just....giant.”
David: “She had to go do some tricks but she had a ball.”
Anique: “...it felt so good you could actually feel it like in your belly.”
David: “It felt good to make Anique’s dream come true.”

Meanwhile, back at the house Petra continued to strike out with Cat.

Petra’s Date

David takes Petra to Sardinia for a swim, dinner and no “dessert”. Highlights of the date:

(1) David without a shirt on (for the ladies)
(2) Petra pulling her bathing suit bottom out of her butt crack (for the men)
(3) There is no 3, the date was that boring

Cat’s Date

David takes Cat for a boat ride, a car ride, dinner and a bubble bath. Highlights of the date:

David and Cat in the bubble bath with a bottle of bubbly too. Although this sounds really romantic, it was actually a little creepy. Here is a few hints for the production crew:

(1) Get Cat a strapless top so it looks like she is naked. If you can't give us nudity, at least give us the illusion of it!
(2) Enough with the bubbles! It was like a Mole flashback. Hey - wouldn't this show be a lot better if Al was Joe Millionaire!
(3) Get a bigger bathroom. How many millions is this guy supposed to be worth? My bathroom is bigger then that and I am more Joe Schmo then Joe Millionaire.

Meanwhile back at the house, Anique and Petra are playing with phallic symbols. Anique is much better at it.

Linda’s Back

As David heads back to the ranch for some relaxation and to ride Hurricane again (the horse, not Anique) we discover that Linda will be there waiting for him. She got over the stress of staying in a luxurious house and having to go on a date every few days, and now wants to try again with David. In her tearful monologue every sentence started with “I want”. I want a man who is caring. I want a man who listens to me. I want a man who has lots of money. I want a man with no backbone. The two ride off on Hurricane (the horse, not Anique).

Elimination

Back at the house Paul explains that everyone involved in the show was surprised when Linda came back. They were less surprised however when they waved a few C-Notes under her nose.

Is it just me or does Paul have better hair then David. You think a guy with money could get a haircut that doesn’t look like it was done around a cowboy hat.

The hostess (I have no idea who she is. Really. What is her name? I see Alex McLeod has been replaced again. And do these Eurotrash realize that the hostess is better looking then all of them?) tells the girls something or other – I was distracted. Oh – here come David, Paul and the necklaces so it is almost time for this to be over.

“Cat”
“Petra”

Ouch! Anique gives it up to a broke rodeo cowboy and now gets dumped. Try explaining that to your Eurotrash friends. She even agreed to give him a ride if he ever wanted one on the way out the door. Don’t humiliate yourself. Fortunately for her, pot is legal in Holland so she should be able to smoke her troubles away.

Next on The Next Joe Millionaire

Linda rejoins the house, they all go to Venice, one gets eliminated. Good thing they show these back to back, I couldn’t wait a whole week for this!

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