The Next Joe Millionaire - Episode 1 Summary

'I Wanna Be A Cowgirl' By cqvenus

So, we open with scenes from the entire season of the show, catching little glimpses of what lies ahead for us this time around. Unfortunately, it went by way too fast and was pretty uninteresting (“the excitement” and “the tears” and David ends up swearing a lot, and even cries, but overall, same old same old), so I’ll save that for someone who wants to post vidcaps or just summarize what is tossed in there.

We see David Smith. He’s on his horse. Look for this quite often in the future of this show. I just have a feeling.

We meet the girls, via a map of Europe for those of us Stupid Americans who don’t know the location of anything else in this whole world besides our local town bar and our local town shooting range. But more on small town America later.

From Germany: Cat, Jerusha, Johanna.

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From Sweden: Olinda, Lina.

From the Czech Republic: Kristyna, Linda, Tereza, Karolina.

From the Netherlands (where Mr CQ is from!): Anique, Petra.

From Italy: Yassamin, Alessia, Giada.

Cue America’s Favorite Butler, Paul Hogan. Paul, oh how we missed you! Paul sets the scene in his chair in front of the fireplace with the brandy snifter and asks the question we all have been dying to ask: How did we pull this off? Well, the answer is simple, he explains. They found fourteen European women who never heard of Joe Millionaire. I bet that was tough.

Of course we are promised this season will be exciting and unpredictable yet again as Paul insists “if you think you know how this all will end up, I promise you, you don’t. After all, this is Joe Millionaire.” Oh, thanks. I almost forgot what I was watching.

Cue David Smith. We see many scenes of rodeo life. He says rodeo is an adrenaline rush. Sean, David’s “rodeo coach” (Who knew they had coaches? I wonder how he pays his coach when he only makes $11K a year. Maybe rodeo coach is actually the only job that pays even less than Rodeo Dork does!).

We see many fantastic David.Is.Hot scenes. Mmmm… I actually have no idea what this part was all about because I can’t really understand his Texas drawl, and especially have a hard time concentrating on it when his shirt is off. Moving right along…

David is not rich, and he’s doing this for the love. His parents were (or was that ARE? O.M.H. – I think he still lives at home!) very traditional. He isn’t allowed to wear his hat indoors or wear spurs at the dinner table (at least he didn’t say supper). Wow. His parents must be strict. No spurs at the dinner table. That’s really harsh. My heart goes out to our protagonist for having endured a particularly rough childhood.

Cue Mom. She doesn’t care who the girl is as long as she loves her son. All together now: awwwwwww. Thanks, ObvioCam.

Back to David. He wants a girl that’s nice and sweet, doesn’t “cuss” or act like a guy. He’s very worried about lying to these girls. It is here I wonder if he watched the first JM to pick up any tips, and figure he probably didn’t. I don’t think he’s taking his job as the new Joe very seriously. Didn’t I see him at the Yankees game 1 of the World Series? He even had his big fat cowboy hat on. Let me assure you, if he sat in front of me with that thing on, he could be Joe DiMaggio and he would get his arse beaten in Yankee stadium for trying to sit down with a big stupid (important part: view-blocking) cowboy hat on. But I digress. David wonders if they will like him or if they will like “all this money I’m supposed to have.” See, he’s so hot. Then he talks.

Ohhh a pretty blazing sun over… ick. Are those power lines? Yuck. Europeans… shame on you. Your land is supposed to be gorgeous and cherished, and here our first introduction to our new setting for this season is a sunset ruined by power lines. Our plane flies over them and we land in Florence, Italy. Apparently, the limo driver missed a turn or something because he pulls a really sharp turn and slams in front of the door, where David is greeted by Paul.

David: “This place is huge!”

Paul: “It is raahther mammoth, isn’t it?”

They both get awards for being Captain Obvious as well. David takes after his Mom in that department. I suppose I’ll just give Paul the excuse of having said it in mockery of the dumbass cowboy. David is given the grand tour and he seems extremely impressed. A lot of the stuff looks the same to me. The balcony looks just like the old balcony. Hmm… are they reusing props? Sets? Scenery? I ponder this over the commercial break.

We come back and a rooster crows and the sun rises. We are informed it is 7:00 AM Sharp. Wow. Roosters sleep late in Europe.

Paul learns David that he is the boss. No, David is the boss.

Paul: You are the boss. Call me Paul.
David: Yes, sir!
Paul: No, Paul.
David {nods; afraid to talk for the uncontrollable Sir may fly out again}

Paul is going to turn David into a gentleman. Good luck with that.

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