Survivor: Vanuatu - Episode 1 Summary

'When The Men Were Men And The Women Were Pissed Off' By Bebo

We see a volcano erupt, while a lone figure walks to the rim. It’s Jiffy! Quick, crew guy, push him in. Oh, I know he wouldn’t be a virgin sacrifice, I was suggesting it just for fun. Quick, before he opens his mouth.

Jiffy: Brak brak brak 18 survivors brak brak brak 39 days brak brak brak only one will remain brak brak brak a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its pros and cons.

Phil Keoghan: You bastard, that’s my line. I've only gotten five rotten lines during five seasons of The Amazing Race, and you steal one... you jerk.

Jiffy: My show has better ratings, I can do what I want.

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Phil: I’ll show you. At the next Pit Stop, I’m going to tell the eliminated team that the tribe has spoken.

Sissy fight ensues. Camera cuts away to a sailboat. We hear natives screaming as some canoe toward the sailboat. Cool, someone finally decided to take my idea of slaughtering all of those wannabes and putting us out of our misery. Boo, it’s just Jiffy’s peeps dropping him off so he can start the show.

Jiffy explains to the survivors that they must participate in a ritual. Chief More-More-Money is a real chief (and not just of the local police department), and he will be performing an authentic ritual. It’s not the dinner show he normally performs at the Vanuatu Hilton, this one is the real one. Then Jiffy tells the kids that they need to remember that they’re in a foreign culture with its own unique traditions and that they are the visitors. Oh great, what’s next? If they throw spitballs at Chief More-More-Ratings, are they going to get detention? Will it count against their final grade? Thought this was a sailboat, not a school bus. It must be one of those short sailboats for the special kids. He says they may be overwhelmed, they may be repulsed. Sounds like what happens to us viewers on a regular basis.

Now Mr. Probst tells his students that they will be riding in the canoes with their nice escorts with the sharp pointed spears that have been yelling at them. Only three students per canoe, so he has them count off.

Travis: Ah only learnt ta swi-yum 6 weeks befur we gawt heer, so ahm glayud we ain’t swimmin’.

Don’t worry folks, I’m fluent in Southern. What Travis is trying to say is that his swimming skills are poor, since he’s a beginner. In other words, this time a redneck will be playing the part of Gervase/Osten. Oh, and he’s wearing a Bob Barker T-shirt. Either he’s overly infatuated with playing Plinko (ifyouknowhaddamean) or he’s into the whole spaying/neutering thing.

One of the canoes flips over as the Survivors are climbing into it? Can you guess whose canoe it was? I knew you could. Anyway, Plinko held on to the net beside the boat so that no one had to see him dog paddle.

When they land on the beach, the tribesmen run up to them, waving spears in their faces and shouting at them. They look dazed and confused. From the looks of the group, they’re quite experienced at the dazed and confused look. Rory announces that no one waved a spear in his face, probably because he was not unwelcome since he is a black man. Actually, if you could have translated, the tribesmen were all shouting, “So, who did Donald Trump hire, Kwame or Bill?”

As the ritual starts, the women are all poked (with the spears, you pervs) and herded into the center. When none of the tribemen bid on these fine pieces of feminine flesh, they are shuttled off to the side so that the real fun can begin.

Quiz time! When did the women realize they were going to be second class spectators in this ritual?

a) When they were greeted by tribesmen – no women.
b) When they were forced to kneel on a mat at the side, while the men got to sit on stumps in the center of the action.
c) When the men were offered kava to drink, but the women were not.
d) When the chief painted pig’s blood on the men’s faces.
e) When the men got to climb for the spiritual rock.
f) Huh? We were second-class?

Ami saw the writing on the wall fairly quickly, saying, “I’m not used to being put second behind a man.” Since your bio points out that you’re a lesbian, I have a feeling this is not the first opportunity you’ve had to point that factoid out. Speaking of second-class, nice move by Lea when he tried to wash his hands in the beverage.

Jiffy yet again points out that what they’re about to see is a regular part of their culture. This is also meant to remind the audience that Something Big is about to happen. The natives bring out a pig. Big whoop, Jiffy, we have pig pickin’s all of the time here in the South. Oooo, here’s the difference – the pig is still alive. The shock value of this moment is definitely tempered by the camera moving away before the pig is killed, so we just hear the thunk. Yeah, that makes it so much better. Wow, pissing off PETA and the National Organization of Women in the first 10 minutes of your show? No wonder this episode got lower ratings that a rerun of CSI.

Jiffy holds up the Spiritual Stone ($19.95 on e-Bay). The tribe believes the Spiritual Stone wards off evil spirits. That should be a sign that the Spiritual Stone does not work – after all, MB brought his show there, didn’t he? Anyway, the men are offered a chance to win the Spiritual Stone, by climbing a pole greased in pig fat. Sounds to me like something the Clampetts would want to do by the ce-ment pond. Chief More-More-Ratings looks over at the men to choose a competitor. Lea shows us that “Be All That You Can Be” military attitude by moving to one side so that one of the guys in the back gets picked. Wow, some drill sergeant. Bet his troops were quite intimidated by his “take charge…by getting out of the way” attitude. I should be grateful, though, because this wimp-out meant that a man named Brady got to straddle the pole and stroke…stroke…stroke…oops, sorry, I was just savoring the image of a hot young FBI agent climbing his pole. Since FBI agents used to be called G-men, that’s how I’ll refer to him from now on. (That also can help keep me out of trouble with Mr. Bebo.) The gods must have approved, because once G-man grabbed his rock, it began to rain. Hard. As Plinko so eloquently waxed, it was “like pouring pee outta boot on a flat rock”.

Wait a minute…did my tape of Survivor get erased so that the Blue Guys could record some more porn? I thought I told them to stop taping over my shows.

Anyway, now that the testosterone fest is complete, it’s time to actually play the game they were brought here to play. Jiffy names the tribes Lopevi and Yasur, after the volcanos. It makes sense to me to name them after big craters that just spew a lot of heat without actually being productive.

Chris is pleased, because men are deceiving and mischievous, and he can manipulate them. Women are thick as thieves. Whatever, I’m just struck by his resemblance to Meat Loaf. Twila mumbles something about being stuck with the prissy ones, and I keep wondering whether she’s available for the sequel to Cold Mountain, so I’ll call her Ruby.

Jiffy tells them they need to find their beaches. They will not be given a map or fire – just pointed in a direction and told to walk until they find it. Once they get there, they will have a pot, a machete, and a map to water. Oh, I’m thrilled. We’re going to get to watch these idiots wander around lost in the dark, then we’ll get to hear them whine about how tired , hungry, and cold they are. That’s entertainment.

Mia says that the men got more out of the ritual than the women did. “We got a bum deal. We’re out for blood now.” Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, peeps.

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