Survivor: Vanuatu - Episode 5 Summary

'A Groundbreaking Night of Television' By Lisapooh

Previously on Survivor:

The reward is rock star named Da
One night with him has the girls all in awe
The fat boys’ alliance is strong
But they did the puzzle all wrong
So they boot the only guy with no flaws

Let’s get this week’s summary started. You know what I find most offensive about this show? Well besides that they actually say things like “sponsored by Pringles and Goodwrench.” It’s that they call it - in all seriousness and without a hint of shame - America’s Best Night of Television. Please. How arbitrary is that? How can anyone watch this piece of crap and say that it is inherently better than - oh I dunno – Father of the Pride or Viva La Bam?

The episode begins with the men of Lopevi sitting around like a bunch of house fraus complaining about Bubba being a fire hog. It seems that Bubba has the prime sleeping spot, and he doesn’t want to share it. The rest of the men want to start rotating.

Chad: The fact is some positions are just better than others and Bubba doesn’t get it.

Mrs. Bubba watching at home concurs with Chad’s assessment, but adds that his position deficiency means that she's the one not getting "it".

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Sarge takes Chad’s side in this little tiff and the men gang up on Bubba. He completely caves, making him their bitch. I never would have thought that with John’s pretty mouth and Chris’s Rapunzel-esque locks that Bubba would end up as the power bottom on this tribe. It just goes to show that you never know how stuff like that will play out.

Bubba: There’s too much testosterone in camp. We fight over the littlest things. I just wish Sarge would hold me like he used to. Maybe compliment me once in awhile. Would it kill him to tell me that I’m pretty?

A few minutes later, Rory – who is once again off by himself - notices an outrigger off in the distance. The potential arrival of new people who haven’t learned to hate Rory yet has him very excited!

But, alas, Rory’s hopes are dashed when they surmise the newcomers want to know who the leader of the tribe is. That would not be Rory.

Sarge is declared the leader and thinks he will be whisked away by these tribesmen for some kind of ceremony or coronation. In preparation, Sarge immediately takes off his pants, puts on a pretty necklace and rubs the phallic symbol they give him in a tender, yet vigorously firm motion.

The same scene is replayed over on Yasur. Ami lets the tribesmen know that Scout is the leader before they leave.

Ami: Scout is the oldest. Scout is the wisest. And if I keep saying that Scout is the leader, maybe no one will notice that I’m actually calling all the shots.

Lisa, proving that she is also a brilliant strategist and master manipulator, has this to say to the departing warriors: You go bye bye now?

LeeAnn is telling us in confessional that she thinks the tribes are gonna be shaken up some how. This is where Burnett cued the earthquake. So, as the ground starts to rumble, let’s gauge the tribes’ reactions.

LeeAnn: holy shit!

Lisa: I never felt the earth move before.

So according to recent news reports, I guess this means Lisa and her husband are Democrats.

Back at Lopevi, the strong, silent men have a less verbal reaction to the earthquake. However, the vibrations did cause Bubba’s massive teets to jiggle his Bob Barker shirt in a strangely hypnotic way. It was riveting. Not to mention hellaciously sexy.

Ok – it’s time for the reward challenge – but first things first. Jeff, looking exceptionally adorable in a baseball hat, asked the Survivors if they felt the earthquake. This was so interesting since we just saw and heard them reacting to it about five seconds ago.

After this fascinating interlude, Sarge and Scout are called out and everyone else is told to drop their buffs. Sarge and Scout, as each tribe’s pre-selected leader, will determine the makeup of the new tribes. Scout is in charge of choosing who goes where; Sarge gets to choose which newly formed tribe he wants to lead. One woman will not be chosen and the ramifications of that will be explained later on.

Here we go: Scout wisely splits up Eliza and Julie, but nothing else she does makes a lot of sense.

The new, leaderless tribes are:

• Rory
• Eliza
• Bubba
• LeeAnn
• Ami

And:

• Chad
• Jules
• Chris
• Twila
• John

Sarge decides to take Chad and the rest back to Lopevi, and the other group will go with Scout back to Yasur.

Actually, it does show us a few things. Sarge would rather be with Chad & Chris than the other two members of his alliance. And Scout probably considers Twila expendable or on the fringes of her alliance since she left her ’til the end and put her on a tribe that she had to expect Sarge to pick as his own.

Now we’re left with two equal tribes and one lone Survivor: Lisa.

Jeff: Lisa, Do you know what comes next?
Lisa: I go bye bye now?

Sadly, no. Rather than being discarded like the piece of white trash that she is, Lisa is allowed to pick which tribe she wants to be on. The hamster must have chosen this exact moment to get back on the wheel in her itty bitty brain because Lisa actually made a good decision.

After glancing over at the new Lopevi, she rightly deducted that Twila and Chris are both citizens of the Redneck Nation and will probably get along really well. And Julie is young and hot, so the guys will definitely keep her around. Lisa would be the odd girl out over there. But at Yasur, there are at least two new people who will be lower on the pecking order than she is. It’s really a no brainer, and since the term “no brainer” is actually a synonym for Lisa, she elects to join the crew over at Yasur.

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