Survivor: Vanuatu - Episode 7 Summary

'This Summary Sponsored by the Makers of EPMB Coffee' By Mon Cherie

Day 16

The Loopheavy tribe is hard at work, chopping wood, getting water, and taping confessionals. John K. seems to be contributing by melding himself with the sand to provide a foundation for the shelter. After the work is done, he wakes up refreshed and bored. There's nothing to do, after all, Dah must have come back and provided the fire, water, and food for the day while John was asleep. A little advice cute young one: the puppy dog look with the long eyelashes won't work with Sarge. Ask Twila. Chad and Chris discuss how lazy John is. Lazy, like the slow-roasted taste of EMPB Coffee. EMPB Coffee, when you want to bash in the head of your lazy buttmunch tribe member.

At Yasurfat, it looks like one of the gals kicked Rory in the jewels, as he is on his knees clutching his crotch. Oh wait, he's praying. My bad. Rory is thankful that he is still around, but has to go pick some fruit, so his confessional is done by Saturday Night Live's Bryan Fellows. Rory attempts to further split the wymyn's alliance by appealing to Ami and Leanne as they suck and gnaw on sugarcane. Men viewers are relieved for once that Ami plays for the other team.

Rory seems to lose his battle to stay as Ami and Leanne tell him he will be the next one voted off, as no wymyn alliance has ever stayed together, ever, in the history of Survivor. And what will Rory do after the merge, when he is reunited with his male buddies? Rory insists that he is a festering boil on the butt of the men's alliance, but Ami and Leanne stick to their chant of "Rorybegone". If we didn't know before, now we are absoultely assured that Rory is safe. Safe, like the feeling you get when you drink EPMB Coffee. EPMB Coffee, when you have to re-edit your edits in a futile attempt to keep up with the spoilers.

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Reward Challenge

Tribe members have to hurdle, seesaw and freefall their way through an obstacle course while carrying a cup of coconut milk, which looks more like coconut rum. They think that's hard? Try being a bridesmaid in a long, pencil thin dress walking down a flight of stairs with a lit candle floating in a huge glass goblet. That's a challenge right there. Anyhoo, first tribe to fill up their jug at the end of the obstacle course wins reward and gets to hang out at the make-shift Homeboyz Cafe, where there will be lots of carbohydrates, including croissants, juices and strong, hot coffee. Strong and hot, like EPMB Coffee. EPMB Coffee, when Sarge's morning breath isn't enough to keep you warm.

The winning tribe also gets their very own coffeemaker, donated by Britney Spears from her last failed marriage. Oh, and they get some silly letters from home.

Yasurfat leads as John K. trails Eliza. Loopheavy catches up when Chad passes Leanne. In a classic move, Scout purposefully dumps her water out, refusing to go through the obstacle course so her tribe will have to do that much work. Jiffy announces this as a new strategy, but we all know Scout doesn't do Jack Squat. Yasurfat pulls ahead of Loopheavy, but almost loses their lead when Leanne starts running for the end without the jug of water. Doh! Eliza watches as she chews on her fingers for sustenance. Then Leanne trips! Double Doh! For a second there I thought I was watching "America's Unfunniest Videos". Ok, it is pretty funny. Pretty funny, like the taste of EMPB Coffee. EMPB Coffee, for moments so precious you want to pee your pants.

Despite the blundering Leanne, Yasurfat wins reward and heads for the cafe. There's a collage of pictures of the tribe members and their families, and you can tell which ones are Eliza. The girl looks like a popsicle stick with those stick-on googly eyes you get at the craft store. There are sketches and paintings of Scout instead of pictures, since they didn't have cameras in the 1700s. Yasurfat gets hepped up on coffee and tears fall as they read their letters from home. We find out Ami's brother died when she was younger, and that Rory's wife is smart and logical though he is not. It's enough to turn him around and watch his temper for awhile, at least until they head back to camp and Rory lets us know, as he sips his coffee, that he "always, always carries an extra ace up his sleeve" though I think Eliza will blow away with the volcanic ash before he has to use it. In all of the confessionals Yasur are holding coffee cups. You can get a free set of cups too, when you try the dry roasted taste of EPMB Coffee. EPMB Coffee, for when you are starting to run out of coffee puns.

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