American Idol 4 - Episodes 31 & 32 Summary

'70's Dance Songs of the Pathetic' By PhoenixMons

So, each season we get the Idols compilation which usually features songs from one of the weeks of competition (last season it was "soul classics"). Now, if they happened to choose this week for their compilation...we'd have, yep you guessed it...70s Dance Songs of the Pathetic. Now, pay attention to the lyrics** of the songs these DAWs chose this week. I challenge you to find one that shouldn't be labeled as anthems of the pathetic. We've got your stalker anthems, your low self-esteem anthems, and even an "I'm stoned so don't ask me to make sense" anthem. Let the madness begin.

Tuesday night: Performance night

We begin tonight’s trainwreck show with Ryan weeping over Nadia’s departure and pimping Bo. Seacrest has a mancrush on Bo. He'd better realize that Bo is spoken for...Bo's Glow's. *waves to Glowie*.

Then we’ve got the obligatory “say hello to our judges” (minus the usual lame cracks from Seacrest),

ADVERTISEMENT

Seacrest: and our special guest judge (even though we promised we wouldn’t have them this season) this evening is none other than the beautiful and fantastic PhoenixMons. PhoenixMons is known throughout RTVW for her karaoke stylings in AyaK’s Blow Hole bar & Grill…and she brags that she’s got perfect pitch and that she’s a professionally trained vocalist (and dancer) and such, but that sort of thing is pretty worthless here. I mean it’s not like this is a singing contest or anything. Let’s give it up for her DAWness.

PhoenixMons: Thank you Ryan. And thank you for wearing normal clothes for once in your life. I am happy to be here (duh, I'm a DAW). Let’s get this thing crackin’.

Then we’re cutting to Ryan announcing the theme to the unsuspecting remaining wannabes back in the green room (last week of course, because it would be really fun cruel really fun to see these people have to pick a song 10 minutes before the show): “70s dance music”

Whoo hoo! 70s night! Paula and her drugged up self will feel right at home!

Constantine: let’s boogie
Scott: nobody’s going to be able to keep up with me uh, huh...

After some stupid monologue-ish crap, Ryan randomly exclaims “it’s open bar” and miraculously the camera pans to the orchestra cheering. Okay, wtf was up with that? THIS was the producers’ most creative way to pimp the orchestra? How pathetic.

Constantine

Without further ado (further ado would have actually been nice)…
Constantine is up first, singing the Bee Gees ever popular hit: Nights on Broadway. Oh, but first we are treated to arguably the most idiotic and painful filler crap EVAH on Idol. The dancing montages. Would someone PLEASE explain to me how it’s endearing to see seven wannabe singers flail around to disco music…especially when said singers have almost no sense of rhythm/coordination. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but one important part of being a musician is feeling the music. Um…as we’ll see throughout the night, these morons couldn’t feel music if their careers (scratch that…today’s pop music proves that one need not feel the music in order to have a successful career in the music industry) lives depended on it. Constantine’s sad little dance moves made me realize that I’d have probably kicked ass at Disco Night…or at least I’d be the only one who didn’t make a complete fool of myself (at least not for my dancing abilities). Take it away Mr. Maroulis (which is what Ryan calls Constantine while drooling all over his microphone). Constantine is wearing one of the more interesting ensembles of the evening. He’s wearing a white jacket over a black shirt with the tightest black pants known to man. A strategically placed zipper and a low-slung silver belt accompanies these he-who-shall-not-be-able-to-breathe pants.

Here we are
In a room full of strangers
Standing in the dark
Where your eyes couldn't see me

Well, I had to follow you
Though you did not want me to
But that won't stop my lovin' you
I can't stay away

Blamin' it all on the nights on Broadway
Singin' them love songs
Singin' them "straight to the heart" songs

Whee! Now we’re talking. I’d like to know where I can buy the “Songs of the Stalker” compilation CD, featuring such “straight to the heart” (read: I’ll shove this dagger straight through your heart if you don’t love me, B*%ch) *waves to Wednesday night’s bar peeps*) songs as: Happy Together (The Turtles), Every Breath You Take (The Police), One Way or Another (Blondie), and I Will Follow Him (Peggy March).

Blamin' it all on the nights on Broadway
Singin' them sweet sounds
To that crazy, crazy town

Now, in my place
There are so many others
Standin' in the line
How long will they stand between us?

Well, I had to follow you
Though you did not want me to
But that won't stop my lovin' you
I can't stay away

Blamin' it all on the nights on Broadway
Singin' them love songs
Singin' them "straight to the heart" songs
Blamin' it all on the nights on Broadway
Singin' them sweet sounds
To that crazy, crazy town

Oh! Crazy, crazy town.

Randy: a great Las Vegas performance...it was a’ight I’d do a Randy saying-tracker, but I believe that’s been done before. You bastiges!

Paula: everything about you in the past few weeks is “oh my god”. Oh lord. Thanks Paula for that lovely visual of what you and Constantine were doing over the past few weeks. Kill.me.now.

Simon: if I was watching this back and…I’d seen it for the first time, I’d say it was like a waiter in a Spanish night club I wonder if they wear eyeliner there, too. Cause I’m sure all of America is familiar with waiters in Spanish night clubs and their singing abilities or lack thereof. Way to go on the obscure and completely bizarre analogies, Simon.

Phoenix: Constantine, I have to ask. Were you having flashbacks to your Hedwig and the Angry Inch days this week? Seriously, what’s with the eyeliner, dood? As for the actual theatrics performance, it was not on par with your recent theatrics performances. And what’s with the zipper on the pants? Never mind, I don’t want to know the answer to that question.

Paula: Oh Constantine, I was too drunk/high/stupid to even notice that we each grabbed the wrong pants the other night. My pants look great on you by the way.

Phoenix: As I was saying, not your best performance. You’ll just have to wait around and hope that others suck worse than you (and you know they will…oh yes they will).

Page Index: 1 2 3 4 5

Continue Reading >>>