The Apprentice 5 - Episode 4 Summary

'Cereal Killers' By zipperhead

Previously on the Apprentice:

What’s the matter…haven’t you been watching, either?

For the official summary of last week‘s nonsense, check this out. Apparently, someone named Theresa was fired because she didn’t bring Charlemagne to the Board Room. Y’know that guy’s been dead for well over a thousand years, don’t you Mr. Trump? “So what,” says he. “George still makes it in, doesn’t he?” Also, there’s no room for an older, not-so-pretty-anymore blonde in his organization. He already has Caroline, so that demographic slot is all filled up.

Anyway, we see some of the other members of last week’s losing team up in “the penthouse” wetting themselves. “Oh, that Board Room was so awful,” they cry. “Much worse than the last one,” they moan. This tells you several things right off the bat: 1) This team has already lost two of the three first challenges, and 2) they complain like little kids. Feel free to hate them. Okay, hate is a strong word. Feel free to yell at the TV whenever their mewling little faces appear on the TV screen. Treat it like primal scream therapy and you’ll be able to get through the episode better. Oh, by the way, this team is called “Gold Rush”. It’s such a stupid name that no witty comment shall be wasted on it.

The two guys who survived that Board Room experience, Lenny the Russian and Tarek the non-Russian, are greeted enthusiastically by the others. Tarek does a confessional where he says that he thinks Mr. Trump will fire him if he goes back in to the Board Room any time soon. Well, that’s what happen when you suck, moron. You should be fired just for stating the obvious.

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The group is told that Theresa was axed because she did not bring back to the BR the biggest failure on her team - a chick called Charmaine. Charmaine then throws a hissy-fit by going into her bedroom and sobbing into her pillow. Now you see, this - this is why The Apprentice should not be Tivo’d or recorded or even watched. This is supposed to be a contest among bright and energetic ladder-climbers who could legitimately fill a role in a multi-billion dollar enterprise. What we actually get is prissy, whiny, attention whores. You should be ashamed of yourself for having any interest in this show whatsoever. I know I am.

*queue music* Money, money, money, mo-ney. Monnney.

Gold Rush - Dan, Leslie, Lee, Summer, Tarek, Charmaine, Lenny, Theresa, Bryce

Synergy - Tammy, Pepi, Roxanne, Sean, Allie, Michael, Andrea, Brent, Stacy

The phone rings and the kids are told that Trump is meeting them at the Trump Grill at 8:00. Donnie meets the contestants there and introduces some mannequin named Avanka. It’s supposed to be his daughter, but she’s either had a buttload of surgery to remove the normal attributes of human skin on her face, or she’s wearing a mask. I guess I would do the same if I was related to DT because he’s such an ugly bastard. George is also there. Trump tells the teams that his restaurant sells a lot of cereal for breakfast. Yeah, that’s the way to sell your restaurant on national television. Admit that you can do no better than what I can get out of my own cabinet. No wonder you’re in deep debt, you putz. Then he explains that Daryl Brewster and Sarita Nayyar from Post Cereals will judge them on their task. The task is to develop 20ftx15ft billboards for Post’s newest cereal - Honey-soaked Driveway Gravel Clumps.

For Synergy, Tammy has decided to be the leader. It’s odd, because every Tammy I’ve ever known has been a big ugly man-woman, but this Tammy is actually attractive in a Mediterranean way. I’m not sure what that means, either. When someone on the team asked if any of them had eaten Driveway Gravel before, Allie - who can’t be older than twelve by the looks of her - says that she used to eat Driveway Gravel with her dad, and that’s the only childhood memory she has. Probably because the memories of the time he spent as a male stripper at the airport have been repressed. Of course, the next shot we get is the entire Synergy team gorging themselves on this stuff. Then the pot begins to boil.

Tammy asks if anyone has experience speaking in front of executives. Brent’s hand goes up. If you’re not familiar with these characters, then you should understand that Brent is the in-your-face type of nutball who is going to want to be a part of everything so that you eventually have to tell him to his face that you don’t want him around at all. Oh, and let’s get the obvious out of the way. If you’re easily offended by jokes regarding a certain type of physical condition, then I suggest you stop reading right now. I’m not usually one to stoop to making fun of someone’s appearance, but with Brent it’s just so obvious and such a part of why people don’t like him. So, here goes. I’m just going to say what everybody thinks about people like him. You have been warned. I’m actually going to say it. His hair is a mess. There, I’ve said it and all of you people out there who suffer from messy hair can just complain to the management. It’s not my fault that you have messy hair. You should really accept that you have a problem and deal with it before it affects your well-being. I’m telling you because I care.

Anyway….

Tammy tells Brent that instead of presenting, he will be assigned to coordinating clothes for the presentation. Roxanne almost chokes on her Driveway Gravel while stifling a laugh. Sean says in a confessional that no one wants to give Brent any responsibility. Sounds like a setup, doesn’t it? Then Avanka walks into the room and Brent almost rips a tendon in his neck to see her. She does not have messy hair and so he is naturally attracted to her. In an attempt to impress Trump’s “daughter”, Brent throws out some ideas for the billboard they are working on. Tammy tells him to shut the hell up and then she broad jumps the table and lands a brutal kick to his forehead. He makes a sound like a waffle being eaten by a duck. That’s how it played out in my head, anyway. The rest of the team just rolls their eyes.

Allie then goes back to her childhood fantasy of a loving father sharing meaningful time with his daughter over a bowl of cereal. The others recognize that she is sinking further into her denial of what really happened during her childhood. To appease her, they say it’s a good idea. Andrea has some sort of confessional, but I’m not really sure what she said because I was so distracted by her oversized Adam’s apple. Andrea is either in drag or in transition, take your pick.

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