The Real Gilligan's Island 1 - Episode 4 Summary

'Crackers? What Crackers?' By volsfan

Previously on The Real Gilligan’s Island, team gold lost their Skipper, green team lost their Professor, Mary Ann and Millionaires (The Bowels, I hope Scott doesn’t mind me using this)! URGH! Why are they still on my TV screen? I suffered through Barney/Rose on The Complex haven’t I suffered enough? The way Survivorscott and Estee described that thing named Donna was very accurate. She has to rank up there on the most hated reality personality ever! The diarrhea continues as she exclaims again that the classy millionaires lost today! WTF is her definition of class? A person that HATES others for their political beliefs and sexuality just screams class to me! However, the thing that puts the icing on the cake…she wants her competitors to collapse and die so she can win. What a loving and enduring person, just lovely.

Back to the summary.

Gilligan Chris and Mary Ann Kate get close and share a hammock.

Tonight? It’s the battle of the Gingers and the Gilligans with the final 7 castaways being revealed. But wait there’s more; a hurricane will force the evacuation of the island.

Let’s get to it!

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OH.MY.GOD! This continues, get the b!Tch off my TV! Millionaire Glenn describes how he got the best night of sleep because the Bowels are gone. Then we are tortured by seeing that thing named Donna describe and I quote, “They’ve proven if you’re gay, there is something wrong with you!” Who are they, you wench? The only person that has something wrong with them is you! I think the devil has reserved a throne at the gates of hell just for Donna. I know dub thee Satan’s Secretary. The crap just keeps coming with, “I’m happy when one of the other team falls, that’s what I was hoping for.” Again, such a lovely, classy, kind and thoughtful way to explain the definition of competition. She is about to make me pull the b!tch out of the bag and it’s a shallow bag! I know that this is all recarp stuff and has been summarized but if I have to deal with this you do too!

Anyhoo…Mary Ann Kate and Gilligan Chris have shared a hut but slept in different hammocks. Millionaire Glenn has decided to become a private dique and determine the exact relationship between Kate and Chris. However, he gets no where because Chris doesn’t kiss and tell! Um, why does Glenn think it is any of his business what happened in that hut? Does he think he is Dear Abby and can solve any relationship drama?

MY EYES MY EYES! Picture this naked lying in a hammock with a sheet covering his privates:

Ginger Rachel walks in and says that she wants to see the one eyed snake and that she has never seen Santa naked. Why did I get this episode? Great! I get the model with a grandpa complex episode!

The radio summons the castaways where we learn that today’s challenge will be for the Gingers and that it will be a big splash. From here on out Ginger Nicole will be GN and Ginger Rachel will be GR. At the lagoon we find out the Gingers will be diving for oysters and bring them to the Gilligans for them to open and find a rock or a pearl. When the Gingers get 15 pearls they have to make a necklace and the first to secure the necklace around their neck wins! There are so many jokes and play on words here that I will let you insert your own pearl necklace joke!

GR and GN get into their bathing suits and I must say that GN is smoking! GN starts off by grabbing as many oysters as she can. GR seems to be getting one at a time. GN =7 and GR =5 and it is a close race. Now the challenge is tied at 11! GR is out of the water first and begins making her pearl necklace. GN is out of the water but GR has too much of a head start! GN is banned to the other side of the island! GR will be the movie star and she is wearing her pearl necklace with pride!

Team gold will have a reward of a movie, popcorn, chocolate and cold soda! While team green (Skipper Jim and Gilligan Goner) gets nothing. No, that is not a typo. I am going to call him Gilligan Goner for two reasons. First reason is his weight. Picture this with skin stretched over it:

I am not trying to be mean or funny but Gilligan Goner looks like a couple of my friends that died of AIDS back in the early 1990’s. Sad! He says that he is 6’ 7” and weighs 135 pounds. I was 5’ 7” and weighed 135 pounds when I graduated high school and I was considered skinny!

The second reason for calling him Goner will become clear later on!

Mary Ann Kate and Gilligan Chris get into the hot tub with the millionaires to form an alliance. They are talking about how to make it to the final four if they have to start voting people off. WTF are they doing with a hot tub on an island where they are complaining about the heat? I guess the turds want to be toasted!

GR has now taken it upon herself to become

to find a pack of crackers that Mary Ann Kate had. On the very first day the Mary Anns were given baskets that included crackers and GR hasn’t seen them. GR decides to confront Mary Ann Kate but Kate claims she has no idea where they are. GR and Kate bicker back and forth! Guess nothing comes between a model and her crackers! Take a chill pill Rachel.

The gold team has a huge spread for the movie. They get to watch Mr. Robinson Crusoe. Gilligan Goner runs over to the side of the movie screen and moons the gold team and claims they can kiss his arse! Again, MY EYES MY EYES! Obviously there are no sensors at TBS because we get to see the scrawniest, hairiest and ugliest arse ever! Why does TBS think we want to see Goner’s arse? Y oh Y?

Out of boredom Gilligan Goner and Skipper Jim make a voodoo doll to look like Gilligan Chris. When the movie is over, the gold team gathers around the fire to watch Goner burn the doll.

GR and Millionaire Glenn go to Voodoo Village to find out that tomorrow’s challenge will be for the Gilligans and the minnow mates will not be able to participate. What complete idiots? Gilligan is the only remaining characters to compete and they make it sound so freaking dramatic when it is revealed. Pffft!

Professor Pat and Millionaire Glenn and Mindy decide to go fishing. Lovey Mindy is hilarious slinging the fishing pole like a fool. She claims, “I have always heard that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I could flash by t*ts out there and it’s not gonna do anything!” Please help me understand how t*ts would attract fish? Also, she says that “it’s not gonna do anything”. What is “it’s” and what was she expecting to happen? Me confused!

Gilligan Goner is shirtless (YUCK) and tells GR and Mary Ann Kate that he feels like arse and hasn’t felt well for a couple of days. Goner thinks Mary Ann Kate will go back and tell Chris and that will make Chris over confident. Gilligan Goner has a little moment with GR and tells her that she isn’t Rachel Hunter anymore, she is just Rachel. GR asks, “did you get any crackers?” Good grief! This woman is going off her rocker over a freaking pack of cracker. Honey, look at your arse in a mirror, you don’t need any more peanut butter. Also, we didn’t see Goner’s reaction, I wonder if he told GR that he did eat them?

Goner has decided to go Rocky on us as he is stretching and getting ready for the competition. Ok, I have to do this, cue the music of Survivor (the band not the show):

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds, till we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger

Risin' up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger

The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger

The radio calls everyone together and tells them that it is time for the Gilligan competition and it will test their sea legs. In a confessional, Gilligan Chris says, “I think it will have something to do with the sea and my um…um…legs!” Wow! I guess we now know why he is playing for the role of Gilligan! Geeesh!

The challenge is set up with a huge barrel of water with a chair on the left and right of the barrel. The chairs spin that causes water to be released from spouts placed above the Gilligan’s heads. They have to use pales to catch water and transport to a scale about 25 feet away. The one with the most water in the scale at the end of 5 minutes will become the real Gilligan.

This? Is the funniest thing I have seen in ages! I don’t know which is funnier, the Gilligans trying to determine the best way to catch the water or Goner getting thrown around like a rag doll. Goner gets thrown completely out of the chair three times! I don’t understand how the Gilligans thought they could catch water by sticking the pale straight out because the bucket was under the spout for all of 1.2 seconds! Gilligan Chris wins easily and the final 7 have been determined!

You think this is over don’t you? Nope, there is still a hurricane a comin!

After the challenge they find new clothes and bedding in their huts as rain begins to fall. They also find a huge feast of lobster, corn and baked potatoes. They all bond at the table and welcome Skipper Jim to the fold. Completing the biggest Pagonging since the first Pagonging…oh wait, wrong show! Anyway, you get the picture.

Jiffy Jr. arrives to tell them to not get too confident because everything changes tomorrow because the toughest challenges are yet to come. Ok, I know everyone gets the idea that this show is ripping off Survivor but we have just been introduced to the new merged tribe! Good grief, there hasn’t been an original idea yet! Are we watching FOX?

The hurricane evacuation was pretty lame. The wind blows and some rain falls and Jiffy Jr. announces for them to leave. BLAH BLAH BLAH!

I won’t get into next week’s show but the Survivor theme becomes even stronger!

The set of this show is just about as lame as I have seen. The Voodoo Village and the exit gates at the challenges are absolutely hilarious! It is worth watching just to see them!

OH.THE.DRAMA!

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