Survivor: Palau - Episode 8 Summary

'I Wanna Be Your SledgeHammer' By Draco Malfoy

Well, here we go, another fun-filled episode of Survivor: KAPOW! I remember when I first saw the listing for this, I figured, OK, that looks like the merge episode. I was pretty stoked.

Tap that brake, buddy.

Previously, on Survivor, Fire Marshal Bill killed a shark by poking it with a stick, the subjective SOS challenge ended up impressing nobody, Caryn cried like a little bitch, SoLong whined and moped, Grennifer continues to worry KorBore, BJ weenied out of an immunity challenge, and they voted off Ibrahem, turning SoLong into TwoNotForLong.

CREDITS!!!! Ee aa ooh ee yaa ee oh ee ya… brak brak brak…

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Commercials: I skip them. I don’t have TiVo, but I don’t have to record the commercials, dammit!

We return to the island as TwoNotForLong returns to their camp. Stephenie thanks BJ for not voting her out… *yawn* It’s hard to be exciting when there’s only 2 people left. BJ assures her that once he gives his word, he’s not taking it back. Then why on EARTH did you even let her hang like that? Don’t make her worry, just do it.

But if I’d shown that, then we wouldn’t have DRAMA!!!!

Umm… who is that? Are the voices talking again?

It’s me, Mark Burnett!

Oh Gods. Now even the voices in my head are having delusions of grandeur.

No worries, mate.* I just figured you could use a little hand, seeing how this episode doesn’t exactly reek of DRAMA!

Why do you keep screaming DRAMA! anyways?

Eh, it’s my bit. Go with it.

Whatever. Anyways, where were we?

Nightvision-cam, in hopes of Steph and BJ getting it on, if ya know what I mean.

Ew. That’s not even appealing. And I’ve seen the Jenna Lewis videos.

Oh, so you’re familiar with my work then?

…

Crikey*, I’ve said too much.

ANYways… BJ says that he did what was best for the tribe. Yeah, right. You did it for yourself, Mr. Happy Pants. Just admit it. You wanted Steph alone, in the dark…

What’d I tell ya, mate?*

Do you mind? Shouldn’t you be teasing The Donald’s hair or something?

Why, and make it madder than it already is?

*rimshot*

Great. Now he’s Shecky Burnett. *facepalm* Steph lets us know that it was weird with only 3 on the tribe, and it’s even weirder with 2. But she’s not ready to go yet, and it’s not her time to go.

*CLANG!*

What the hell is that?

It’s my latest and greatest invention. Better than a vegemite sandwich.* I call it the SLEDGEHAMMER OF FORESHADOWING!

I call it a royal pain in the ass.

Don’t forget the brackets!

Steph and BJ go to bed where NOTHING HAPPENS.

Damn it.

The next morning, we’re at KorBore, where we’re treated to the LOVELY sight of flies swarming about the rapidly decaying head of Fire Marshal Bill’s prized shark. The goofy music cues… WILLARD’S REVENGE!!! The rats have taken over KorBore, and Katie, after debating whether or not she should just pounce out and eat the damn thing, realizes she’s too full and shoos one away.

I tried to get the rights to “Ben” to play here, but it seems Michael Jackson’s a bit busy these days.

Fire Marshal Bill, ever the smart one, realizes that the rats have realized that these puny humans are no match for their l33T sk1llz and aren’t afraid of them. Well, except maybe Katie, who swallowed 3 of them whole last night. Cobee, of course, has it all figured out, and if they’d JUST LISTEN TO ME DAMMIT, we wouldn’t have this problem. He says that the camp is a mess, they’re a mess, his highlights are a mess, and that they deserve every bit of rat that they get.

What’d I tell ya, mate*? These pooftahs* are gold, I’m telling ya!

I think that was offensive. Moving on, Cobee decides that he’s going to be the one to move the shark head, because it’s actually reeking worse than them, which is QUITE a feat, let me tell you.

I think next time I’ll include Smell-O-Vision! Brilliant!

No.

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