The Mole 2 - Episode 12 Summary

'When Animal-Sounding Things Possibly Attack...' By PagongRatEater

Last Week on the Mole:
- Al endures hours and hours with a Ho and bubbles, and it is not as much fun as it sounds.
- Dorothy learns how to dance La Cucaracha.
- Heather flees from being in the dark with a large phallic animal.

CONFESSIONALS:
Skipper: These are the toughest six weeks of my life (I guess he went to the Boot Camp for the fat kids).
Heather: I’m outsmarting all of them. Ummm..Has anyone seen my journal?
Doro: None of this is personal. It’s just a game in which I am going to utterly destroy and humiliate the other players…and make Heather cry.

The first game is a recycle from the first show of the Three Questions challenge. Now at this point, it is essential to point out that for some strange reason Dorothy has chosen to dress up as a cat. We are left to wonder if this is our hidden clue, perhaps those are Mole ears, or if Dorothy just enjoys looking like an idiot on national TV. The players are asked to answer questions based on how little their think of their fellow contestants. Someone hides in the middle of yet another abandoned Italian city (does ANYONE actually live in these Italian villages?) and you can find them based on your ability to figure out which of the players they think sucks less.

First person to go hide is Dorothy and surprisingly nobody notices that she is gone. Heather and the Skipper’s first question forces them to decide which of them has the bigger ego. After arguing about it for about 20 minutes “I’m better than you” “No, I’m better than you” they decide to go with Bill as the most likely to vote for himself in a popularity contest (though they edited out the part where he got to prance around in a sash). Then Anderson asks them to determine who Dorothy thinks is the most likely to stalk a loved one. Based on his bloodthirsty, military bearing they again go with Bill. Then the shocking tell-all question – who is most likely to lie **gasp** to a loved one. Since the Skipper and Gilligan have been together so long, they decide he would never lie to his little buddy and they go with Heather.

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So, the moment of truth arrives. Have they been able to discover the secrets locked in the labrynth of Dorothy’s twisted mind. Knock three times… Hmmm…no answer? Bill’s solution is to of course, have Heather continue to knock until her knuckles bleed, but once is more than enough for her. It seems that Heather’s lack of self-awareness has done her in. By going with Bill as the stalker instead of the obvious psycho of the bunch, they have lost their chance to add a lousy stinking 10K to the pot. Heather vows to haunt Dorothy all her days for THAT answer.

Next one to go underground is Heather and suddenly the cuteness factor of the show drops tremendously. Anderson moves things along quickly so we can return our hormone-imbalanced heroine to the screen. The first riddle that Catwoman and Bill must face comes back to the salient issue of the day – lying. After much debate it’s determined that while the Admiral is living high off the taxpayer with his military pension that the obviously hungry Dorothy would be honest with all her other Bohemian friends about her lack of income. Next up Anderson riddles them this –
A: Who is most likely to litter?
D: OMH, I would NEVER do that. The trees are my friends, and we have such similar personalities.
B: Why should I care? I’m not too much longer for the world anyway.
A: What’s one more bag of chips anyway?
B: Did you say something about chips?!? That would go great with the maggots and toe wine.
Finally they’re asked, who would be the most likely to have a loved one cheat on them? Bill has already told them numerous times that he would kill his wife if she cheated and Dorothy knows that her boyfriend is probably cheating on her every time she goes to the corner grocery, so they go with the obvious Dorothy.

Unfortunately for the dynamic duo, Heather knows that impressing your young yuppie friends is much more important than overinflating your Social Security earnings, so again they get no money.

Finally, Bill goes into hiding (or perhaps to search for that bag of chips Anderson mentioned, since he is planning of throwing this one anyway). Since everybody already hates Bill’s fat a$$ anyway, they decide to give him all of the nasty questions. First we must determine who is Bill least likely to leave his kids with. Since Dorothy is so wild and crazy (huh?) they immediately decide, she is not to be trusted. Next they need to decide who would use sex to get what they want. Heather gets up off her knees to let everyone know of her undying devotion to Nathan and they decide that the modern day sex symbol herself is the most likely to get a leg up to get a leg up. Finally, the girls need to figure out which of them is likely to be alone in 10 years. Since Dorothy is alone even in a room full of people, they decide quickly on her again.

Basically, whatever was the logical answer to the questions, Bill answered the other way. So while in Bizzaro World they might have won something, our resident brain power goes 0-3.
Heather: I was so offended that Bill didn’t think that Nathan and I would be together in 10 years. We will be together forever. FOREVER or I will stalk him into an early grave. And I would NEVER sleep with someone just to get something…unless, it’s something reallly good. Not like a sandwich or something.

Once again the television viewing audience is entranced by the site of our contestants enjoying another fine meal. Ignoring the cameras, Bill continues to eat with his mouth open and gets into a fight with the waiter when he won’t bring more of “those crunchy things” for his salad. At long last, dessert menus arrive, and much to Bill’s chagrin he is not actually going to get to eat a Pondful of Parfait.
Bill: I’m sick and tired of Mary Ann’s coconut cream pies. I want some damn food.

So, off they go to receive instructions for the final game of the…game. Just Desserts forces the contestants into a three way contest to see which one will be the first to reach the “secret location” to get the Mole’s dossier. Since Bill doesn’t want them to see the chocolate fingerprints he left all over it, he is super-motivated to get there first. If you get there second, all the doors in yet another abandoned Italian village will be locked.

All of the remaining players have to find a GPS at their chosen location and use that to get the essential final clue – by any means available – which to Bill includes grand theft auto (too many video games for Bill). After being admonished by Anderson that he is not allowed to break any laws Bill's "kill the other two players strategy" strategy is averted and the game begins.

Heather starts of toward the pond and is the first to reach her location…where she is met by Anderson for no reason in particular. She finds her GPS and is the first player on her way to the dossier. Immediate she is faced with the decision of whether to take the straightest route or stay on the road as the fastest route. We find out later that Heather has selected C) None of the Above.

Bill charges right off into the bushes and learns the hard way that on land there are actually obstacles that prevent us from moving in a straight lateral line to our destination. He spends the next several hours regaling the camera man with stories of his days as a hardy Appallachian outdoorsman. Think Ned Beatty in Deliverance.

Dorothy arrives at the hayfield where her GPS is hidden and using previously unseen teleportation powers, Anderson has once again arrived there ahead of the player. To the disgust of everyone, Anderson HAS to make the obligatory “needle in a haystack” joke. (I though that American Mensa acted as a consultant to this show) Since no one has provided him with a sandwich for several episodes, Anderson has to content himself with sitting back and chewing on hay while enjoying Dorothy’s aimless wanderings. Finally she happens to notice the shiny black electronic thingy sitting in the hayfield - one of these things is not like the other – and hurries on toward the dossier.

Bill exhibits his good sense and wonderful language skills, perhaps with some help from Team Guido, and decides that the best way to communicate to the Italian people is treating them like they are stupid and, apparently, Spanish. This does little to endear him in the local community, but he does find some English speaking people who make it clear they have no f***ing idea what he is talking about. He does finally find someone who can help him and after trying to steal their car settles for a free ride instead.

Heather has begun walking in circles now and is considering whether walking off a cliff is the best way to go (it depends on what you are trying to accomplish, honey). Dorothy bustles along showing none of the lung capacity issues that she illustrated earlier in the game. She has so much time on her hands, she decides to play a real life game of Frogger while crossing the road and then has a conversation with a yippy dog. Bill finally reaches his GPS and once again goes charging of across the Italian country-side and decides to use his spare time while walking perfecting his heavy breathing for his other hobby.

Heather is starting to lose it again. She forgot to take her prozac with dinner and it is starting to wear off. She bitches to the cameraman, she bitches at the road, she bitches to herself and she bitches so much, the one person who picks her up takes her the wrong way in the ultimate fangul. So she decides to yell at the cameraman some more until she realizes that all those tree around her are a forest and she is totally lost. The cameraman asks if she is quitting, but she continue to rant about how unfair life is.
Heather: I'm so scared and lost. I’m afraid to open my eyes, I’m afraid to close them.
Suddenly she is attacked by a wild pig-donkey. The camera is dropped and we are left to wonder if this is the end of Heather.

Meanwhile, Bill continues huffing his way into town and provides the home viewer with some important insight. “If all the doors are closed, I’ve lost this game.” Dorothy arrives hot on his heels and they both begin trying doors in search of the dossier. Cut away to a POV shot of someone entering Anderson’s Satanic lair and moving through the chamber where Anderson plays with his “girls”. There is our valiant host congratulating BILL on winning the game.

Now Bill is offered an interesting choice, he can read the dossier that he has bloodied himself to retrieve or he can add 100K to the pot. Since Bills literary leanings are not toward Autobiography, he decides to take pity on the winner and add the money to the pot IF Anderson can produce a case of Old Milwaukee in addition to the money.

We finally check back in with Heather, who is thankfully alive (Nathan will be soo- relieved) after the beast in search of a giant Cubic Zirconia was driven off.

FINAL QUIZ
Anderson the Conqueror stands atop a torch covered hill to watch the contestants take their final quiz. Bill reminds us again that this is the toughest six weeks of his whole life (did this guy fight in any wars while he was in the military?). Dorothy is too tired to go on, as evidenced by her failure to keep the audience awake. And Heather is concerned that quiz is going to be too hard, but at least her hair is going to look FABULOUS!

The stage is set. The final unveiling of Bill...umm, I mean the Mole, is rapidly approaching. Tune in next week. Same Bat Time. Same Bat Channel.

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