The Mole 2 - Episode 13 Summary

'Pisces and Apple' By flying squirrel

ACT I: PROLOGUE

SCENE 1

A conference room at The Walt Disney Co., Inc. Sitting at the head of the table is Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney. Sitting around the table are his TV production aides: Aaron, Byron, Carrie, Skip, Uma, Corrine, Kleo and Seiji.

Eisner: Well, first order of business is the new programming team at ABC. Is HBO going to give us what we need?
Byron: Remember, boss, this isn’t the same group that produces The Sopranos and Sex in the City.
Eisner: It isn’t? Oh my God, those women are so sexy and so thin, it makes me want to bring back my casting couch. I thought that’s what we were getting.
Corrine: No, this is the group that produces Everybody Loves Raymond.
Eisner: You mean, we won’t get any hot women who like to sleep around? Just some more slice-of-life comedians? B-O-R-I-N-G!
Aaron: If you want women who like to sleep around, watch Chiapet on Big Brother 3.
Eisner: But she’s not sexy! She’s just a nympho. They’re a dime a dozen. CBS just had one on Survivor 4, too, the one with the superboobs…. Which reminds me … did Mole 2 finally limp to the end of its run? I can’t believe those idiots who used to work at ABC scheduled a full season of such a flop. No superboobs. No sex. And it’s not even produced by Touchstone Television. Don’t they understand that we at Disney have so many good programming ideas that we don’t need outside help? Anyway, who wants a show that makes you think?
Kleo: Uh, boss?
Eisner: Did I ever tell you all about those awful dreams I had with Katzenberg as the mole?
Seiji: Sure, lots of times.
Eisner: Well, so what? Repetition is good for you. So, how badly did Mole 2 get hammered?
Kleo: Uh, Mole 2 was second in its time slot, and it gave us some of our best ratings of the summer.
Eisner: Well, then, I was a genius to bring it back, wasn’t I? It was just that those morons who used to be at ABC screwed up its time slot.
Uma: But you just said…
Eisner: WHAT? WHAT did you say?
Uma: Nothing.
Eisner: Remember, chickie, failure has hundreds of parents here at Disney, but success only has one father. Got that?
Uma: (nervously) Yes, sir.
Eisner: Good. So what are we going to do to capitalize on it?
Skip: Well, we thought…
Eisner: Make sure it’s in all the trade ads. “Another Michael Eisner stroke of genius at ABC was saving The Mole 2 from cancellation.”
Carrie: But didn’t it get canceled? By you?
Eisner: What does that have to do with anything?
Carrie: Sorry, I just thought …
Eisner: Don’t you people understand the first thing about show business? It’s all spin. No one really knows anything. He who controls the spin wins.
Kleo: (whispered, to Corrine) So that’s why all the Hollywood people are Democrats! Now I get it.
Eisner: What?
Kleo: Boss, you asked about what we’re doing to capitalize on Mole 2. Skip had an idea. Skip, would you like to run it up the flagpole?
Skip: Well, we thought that we might keep some of the final players from Mole 2 together in a new show. We were thinking about casting Bill as a retired athlete whose children were fighting about what to do with him after he dies. His daughter by his first wife, Dorothy, wants to honor his wishes and have him cremated. But his son and daughter by his second marriage, Bribs and Heather, want to turn him into a corpsicle.
Eisner: Corpsicle?
Skip: They want to have his body frozen after he dies.
Eisner: Where’s the sex?
Skip: Heather and Dorothy will have boyfriends who were big fans of Bill’s. Heather will take her boyfriend along to inspect the freezer and then will want to do it in the storage chamber. Dorothy and her boyfriend will do it in a courtroom. And then they’ll all compare notes over dinner, like the bimbos on Sex in the City do.
Eisner: Sounds creepy. Can we film it at Touchstone Television?
Corrine: Sure. We already own some rights to the story.
Eisner: We do?
Corrine: This is loosely based on Ted Williams. He used to work for ABC.
Eisner: Ted who? Was this story in Variety?
Corrine: I don’t think so.
Eisner: Well, then, no one will have heard of this guy. He must be another one of those duds that the old crew hired. Ex-jocks come and go, and no one cares. Kill it. I keep telling you people, if it isn’t in Variety, it didn’t happen, but none of you listen to me, do you?
Corrine: But everyone in America knows who Ted…
Eisner: NO BUTS, young lady. I live in America, and I don’t know. Look, you have to establish a track record like mine before you contradict me in a programming meeting. Geez. I mean, I know I’ve been wrong once or maybe even twice, but look – for every Lilo and Stitch that becomes a hit despite my opposition, there are a million hits that I picked right. Like The Country Bears. Didn’t I tell you that a movie about a Disney World attraction would be a smash hit?
Corrine: Uh…
Eisner: No need to apologize; you’ll figure it out in time.
Corrine: No, I meant to say that The Country Bears isn’t doing so well.
Eisner: It’s NOT? What do you mean?
Skip: Well, no one really wanted to tell you, sir, but…
Aaron: It’s a megaflop.
Eisner: It is? It CAN’T BE! I’m brilliant, I tell you, brilliant!
(Eisner stares at the ceiling for the next half hour. Everyone sits quietly.)
Eisner: The horror, the horror! (collapses to floor)
Skip: (whispered) Let’s get out of here now!
(Everyone leaves quickly. Eisner never budges.)
Byron: (in the hall, to the others) Damn, that was embarrassing.
Seiji: The worst thing is that FindTheMole.com seems to find out about all of these little incidents. Next thing you know, it’s all over the Web.
Aaron: Oh, I took care of them.
Carrie: You did? How?
Aaron: They were so busy searching for our mole that I managed to plant a mole of my own in their board.
Seiji: Really?
Aaron: Yep. Right in the inner sanctum. When they find out, they’ll be so busy chasing their own tails, they’ll never get around to discussing this meeting.
Carrie: Brilliant, Aaron. I didn’t think you had it in you.
Aaron: Carrie, that reminds me. I was watching the live feeds of Big Brother 3 and I saw Chiara doing something that I couldn’t quite follow. Would you like to come back to my office, watch the tape, and then see if you can show me what she’s doing? Who knows, maybe you can have some of it in you, too.

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SCENE 2:

Inside the inner sanctum at FindTheMole.com.

AyaK: And that’s where the tape ended.
Webby: So what’s this mole business?
AyaK: No idea. I thought I’d ask flying squirrel to check it out while he was working on the summary of the finale for The Mole 2.
Webby: flying squirrel? Wasn’t he the one who wrapped up BlowsVivor?
AyaK: With my help. The same one. If anyone here can figure it out, he can.
Webby: But he only has 200 posts and he was an original member of this board. He’s been here for two years. That’s like … what, less than a post every three days?
AyaK: Yeah, but he’s gotta write about something in the finale. I mean, just about everybody but malibubarbie knows that Bill is the mole. Well, even malibubarbie knows it – she just doesn’t want to believe it.
Webby: So who do you think our mole is?
AyaK: Could be anyone. Maybe there really is something up his sleeeve. Maybe IceCat is a hot dog. Maybe shakes the clown is really self-effacing. Maybe Bebo and cyclehausen aren’t evil. Or Femme and Asrai are really Dorothy and Heather. You never know.
Webby: OK, have squirrel check it out, but be careful, Aya. And remember the ZTP. You almost forgot when that troll IKnowTheMole showed up again.
AyaK: It’s hard to restrain yourself when I have to wash all the slime off the walls. And those troll boogers – yuck.
Webby: Sorry. But be careful.
AyaK: Thanks. I have no doubt that squirrel will be the best person for the job.

SCENE 3:

A secret meeting in a parking garage next to a mosque. The Bullwinkle Show can clearly be seen on an in-car TV set.

flying squirrel: What have you found out so far?
AyaK: Apparently the mole is a poster who sometimes uses a ghostnic on our board. You need to identify the mole and the ghostnic.
flying squirrel: How high do you want me to follow this?
AyaK: As high as it goes.
flying squirrel: But how will I ever find the FindTheMole mole?
AyaK: Follow the clues. That’s all, just follow the clues. If ABC hands out clues about this the same way they did for Bill, you’ll know. And you’ll know what to do.

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