Cupid - Episode 4 Summary

'Cupid, Rhymes with Stupid' By Swami

What the heck happened to Cupid? This show is going downhill fast!

I turned on my TV set last night and I thought The Price Is Right was on! I mean, there was a garish, multi-colored set with bad lighting and cheap plyboard stairs. There were red, heart-shaped wall sconces with flaming torches in them. Worst of all, there was a studio audience of about 1,000 utter maniacs who all stood up and cheered on cue. I swear I heard someone yell “Come on down! Come on down”! (It sounded like Robert A.)

CBS went and changed their nice, intimate 'Getting to Know You' thing into a format game show. I am so disappointed. I would have turned it off, but I promised to do this summary. So, here we go…

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Host Brian “Not Ready for Prime Time” McFayden walks onto the Stupid—excuse me—Cupid set and briefly explains the show so far. In the first 2 episodes Lisa Shannon, a lovely 25-year-old single air-head from Detroit interviewed every geek and freak willing to stand in line for a chance at her. Her two “best” friends” helped her by intimidating, insulting and occasionally throwing things at the hapless suitors. Eventually they found about 20 guys who actually seemed decent, took them to L.A. and whittled them down to a Top Ten. Now back to Brian.

Brian “Not Ready for Prime Time” McFayden explains that it is now up to us, the TV viewers of America to decide which of these ten guys Lisa winds up with. We get to vote one guy off each week, until there is only one man standing. If Lisa likes him, they get married right then and there on the show. If they stay married for a year they get a million dollars. Brian keeps calling it Lisa’s Million Dollar Dowery!!!

The camera pans over the ten guys, seated stage left on comfy bar stools. “It’s up to you,” Brian intones, “to spot the guys who are the real deal or who may just be in it for their fifteen minutes of fame.”

Lisa is so screwed. These guys are the biggest bunch of self-involved media whores I’ve ever seen. Well, maybe one or two are okay.

Brian introduces Lisa’s “two best friends, and Guardian Angels—Laura and Kimberly.” Buahaha!. Guardian Angels my asterisk! These two are man-eating Harpies, straight from Greek Mythology. Laura Restum is the Hairdresser Harpy. She will peck a guy’s eyes out while simultaneously demasculating him. Scarey. Kimberly Tarter is the other Harpy. She has the straightest, flattest hair I’ve ever scene and looks like an English tart. She & Laura have a love-hate thing going. They love Lisa but sort of hate each other by now. These two are seated with their backs to the studio audience, facing McFayden and the Suitors

Brian then introduces Lisa, who walks onstage with cutest little swinging sexy strut I’ve ever seen! She is wearing a short, dark skirt with a handkerchief hemline to show off her shapely legs. She is gorgeous. And modest. And sweet. Who wouldn’t want a beauty like her for their girl friend, wife, best friend or daughter? I’d marry her myself if I could. I don’t think my current husband would mind one bit. Lovely Lisa sits down between the Harpies and the Show begins in earnest.

Brian explains the format. Each potential mate was sent into the streets of L.A. to hustle up as much money as he could within 2 hours. Using only this money he must organize a fun date for Lisa and himself. Hustling, according to Brian, will showcase each guy’s creativity and resourcefulness. My mom always told me to avoid hustlers, but I guess in America of 2003 hustling is a sign of creativity and resourcefulness. Or maybe just in L.A.—I dunno.

First we will see footage of the hustle and the date. Then, as the house lights go down and a spotlight shines on the Harpies and whichever guy just had the date, we will have Lisa’s best friends Laura and Kimberly offer their observations on the date. I like that word, ‘observations’. You know it’s going to be a shooting gallery!

Anyway, here are the dates:

Date # 1 Renda

Renda. Age 24, Poet/Street Hustler from Queens NY.

”Hor-renda the Great”

Renda, a hustler by profession, may have an unfair advantage here. He chooses to don a huge Afro wig and a striped referee’s shirt and hit the streets as Renda the Afro-Headed Poet. He makes stupid rhymes and dances haphazardly while begging for money. Amazingly, he earns $47.24. The streets really are full of suckers!

With this money he decides to buy Lisa her own Afro wig and referee shirt. Then they both walk around looking stupid while eating street-vendor hot dogs! I think this was just his revenge on Lisa for making him shave off his dumb little goat beard in last week’s make-over episode. He shows Lisa his poetry and she tells him he has nice handwriting. (Not a word about the actual poetry, mind you, just “nice hand-writing”. A dis if I ever saw one.)

In loving gratitude for this meager complement, Renda leans over, grabs Lisa’s face, puts his lips on her cheek and gives her a loud, wet Bronx cheer or raspberry kiss, or whatever. He calls it a “Zerbert” {“Zherbert?”}. Did I mention he is eating a hotdog while he zerberts her? What a lovely move. I know I am always thrilled when a first date blows slobber & ketchup onto my face!

Renda’s Judgement This is the segment where they dim the house lights and the two Harpies, Laura and Kimberly, get to insult the guys to their face. Each guy gets to make one last plea for himself, and Lovely Lisa gets the final word.

Laura, with flaming eyes and a nasty sneer: “You’re a professional hustler and all you could make was 40 bucks? Then you spend it on wigs and hot dogs? Loser! You should be outta here!”

Kimberly seems a bit embarrassed by Laura’s venom: “I hope to see you next week, she says mildly.”

Hor-renda: “I was just trying to have fun. First dates should be fun.”

Lisa agreed they had had ‘fun’. When the audience cheered him, Hor-renda smilled and waved like a pro. I think this guy like the limelight just a little bit too much.

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