Survivor: Panama - Episode 100, Part 9 Summary

'Last One Out, Cancel The Series' By Estee

{Freeze frame.}

{And there's ARAS, and he just won a million pre-tax dollars, the title of Sole Survivor, and -- go figure -- no car. Well, that's one way to avoid the curse for any future A.S.S. event... And there's DANIELLE, looking about as happy as you'd expect with her hundred thousand pre-tax bucks when the other option was ten times that amount, and SHANE, starting to bring the crazy again out of his triple-size cuffs and bare feet, and COURTNEY, who brought the crazy and then had both seconds and an order to go, and CIRIE, perhaps the proudest jury member since BOBBY JON, and there has to be a way to say that where it actually works out to a compliment...}

{If you thought the summary ran long, so did the show. We were there for something over two hours in real time and five years in the more subjective version. But now we have just a little bit to go, and it'll even be a little bit shorter than usual. There's just enough time left on the clock to ask a few questions, get a few answers, and render nearly all of it into rough paraphrase.}

{Last year, it was all about relieving Pepe after his sterling summary effort, taking the baton, covering the final bit of distance, and bringing the series home to the finish line. (It was also about finishing what I made the mistake of starting, but let's not discuss that part.) This year?}

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{Revenge.}

{Start the clock.}

Jeff: 'And they're back! All sixteen contestants on a single stage in three tiers, and if we're very lucky, this will be the last time we have to see any of them. Yoga Boy won, and you know what that means. It means he's going to completely refurnish that tepee, and he's still going to live there for free! Who knows? He may even upgrade to the basement. It's all about making the money last, people. He's a very strategic boy, our Aras, and he slipped me a bribe to mention his upcoming line of hair-spiking products again. And now that I've done that, we'll go to our more conventional sponsors, none of whom received my special Hug Discount, and then we'll find out just how much of The Crazy was an act with Shane and how much was a backfire set to stop the firestorm of crazy from Courtney, plus we'll try to figure out why Cirie was so damn popular. Seriously, did you ever think that many people in this country were afraid of leaves? Do you know what I blame? The X-box. Half of these kids have never seen a leaf...'

{Some idiot in the production booth decides to recap ARAS' embracing his mother just in case we missed it fifty seconds ago, the commercials run, no one calls to investigate the Hug Discount any further, and when we come back, the contestants are seated and arrayed in the typical three-tier design. A lot of them are wearing some amount of green: this is to honor TINA's son Charlie, whose birthstone was an emerald. Some look happy. Some look as if they've been preparing a speech in their heads for months: inevitably, those are the ones in the upper tier, who'll be lucky to get one question each. And one looks just a little pensive when Jeff says:}

Jeff: 'Danielle, before we get started, I need to ask for your help with something. Will you settle a bet for me?'
Danielle (startled): 'Um... sure, Jeff. Whatever you say. What do you need?'
Jeff: 'One stable point of reference.' {JEFF pushes a button on the side of his rock. A seat belt erupts from DANIELLE's chair and wraps itself across and around her lap.}
Danielle: 'What the --'
Jeff: 'Start it up!'

{All sixteen contestant seats rise from the floor as the single attached unit they're now revealed to be. TERRY, ARAS, BOBBY, BRUCE, and TINA react quickly enough to jump off before the arrangement reaches its full eight-foot height -- and begins shaking like a mechanical bull having an electric seizure. Contestants go flying in every direction. AUSTIN lands in the orchestra pit. SALLY tumbles to a stop at JEFF's feet. CIRIE winds up in her husband's lap. MELINDA winds up clinging to a rafter ten feet above the stage. But DANIELLE, anchored at one stable point of reference, can't be tossed out of her seat. Instead, her arms flail. Her legs whip about. Her hair goes in every possible direction. Her teeth glint in the spotlights as she screams. Her breasts never move.}

Jeff: 'Damn! I was sure that would do it!' *sighs* 'Okay, bring it down.' {The seats descend to floor level again, allowing the injured, shaken, and luckier-than-thou contestants to return to their assigned places.} 'Great. Just great. Now I owe Mark an extra season... Look, Danielle, I'm sure they're fine when they're clothed, but you've got some extra money now and that's one of the worst jobs I've ever seen. And in my line of work, I see a lot of them. Have them redone, okay? I know a really good guy. He drilled out my dimples!'
Danielle (shaken, but recovering fast): 'Have what redone?'
Jeff: 'Oh, for the love of... Aras? Can I tell you something?'
Aras: 'Sure, why not? I pretended to listen to everyone else.'
Jeff (exact quote): 'You are going to get a check for a million dollars tomorrow, and I have one piece of advice.' (pause) 'Pay your taxes.'

{All contestants, from every season, everywhere -- with one exception -- crack up.}

Jeff (evil grin): 'I've been waiting years to get the real snuff on that torch... Now, you could argue that one of the main focus points for the season was the rivalry between you and Terry. Oh, ClipCam...'

{ClipCam, back for a record-breaking second engagement, shows some moments from that storied rivalry. Really, it's storied. To wit, it's a bedtime story. Feel your eyes start to close as TERRY wins challenge after challenge! Have trouble keeping your head up while ARAS and TERRY use their ages as ramming weapons! Hear the first snores as ARAS finally wins one! Dream of a better season than this past one when ARAS collects the fourth vote!}

Jeff (yawns, then wriggles his leg to help wake it up): 'So do you feel that rivalry helped you perform at your best?'
Aras: 'I don't know -- he did pretty much beat me in everything. Almost everything. Until the last minute. The million-dollar minute.' {TERRY tries not to wince. He fails.} 'But you have to understand -- after a while, it was in my best interest for him to win all those Immunities. Because as soon as he didn't win the necklace, he'd use the mini-idol to bounce the vote back to me -- and he always voted for me -- and that would have been it.'
Jeff: 'Maybe we should make that a check for a million yen. Why did you have to bring up the most useless twist in the history of the game? We had high hopes for that mini-idol. We thought it might be used as many as four times in a season -- you know, had to give people a chance to find it, use it, return it, pass it off to allies -- and it would just create absolute paranoia at Tribal Council. And instead, what did we get? Terry, who seemed to feel the best use for our little bit of chaos was as the world's most unusual fanny pack. Nice work, World War I Flying Ace. Why not take it out of your pocket and throw it at the Red Baron after you run out of ammo? But even so -- I sort of have to admire your bravery in hanging onto it as long as you did, especially knowing the consequences of keeping it.'
Terry (confused): 'Wait. What consequences?'
Jeff: 'You're kidding, right? Don't you remember what we told you at the beginning of the season? The mini-idol was radioactive. Oh, it was nothing your body couldn't handle if you only had it for three or six days, but if you kept it for, say, most of the show -- well, I wouldn't get near any Gieger counters if I were you. Keeping it for the majority of the season, knowing what it was doing to your cells? That took guts.'
Terry: '...and you explained all that?'
Jeff: 'Just like I explained the rules for all the challenges. This was right after I told you guys about the mini-idol in the first place. Don't you remember?' {All the contestants except TERRY sincerely nod while simultaneously edging away from TERRY. Far, far away.} 'See?'
Terry: 'Can I go to the hospital now?'
Jeff: 'No. Tell me about your end of the rivalry first. Was it a father-son thing?'
Terry: 'It was more like a lovers things --'
Jeff: 'We already beat that one into the ground.'
Terry (exact quote): 'Two guys strapping one on --'
Jeff: 'That sound you just heard was Terry's commission being revoked. But let's have a round of applause for his Immunity efforts -- the strongest in the history of the show!' {The contestants and audience applaud.} 'Terry, you'd better be glad you kept winning, because not only did you have no real idea how to use that mini-idol, you never figured out how to work the numbers.'
Terry: 'Hey! I'd like to see you try switching people off from Casaya! I tried all the time, but no, they were like 'How is your fifth place better than our fifth place?', and no one would even give me the time of day, much less a knife planted in the backs of all their supposed friends. And then finally Shane's crazy swung around to 'I like Terry', and they sniffed it out and voted him off! I had to win individual Immunity every week! What else could I have done?'
Jeff: 'Just off the top of my recently blood-bathed hair -- played the mini-idol?'
Terry: 'Done what with the what, now?'
Jeff (giving up): 'Aras, let's go back to Day One, when you did the yoga-fire-energy-channeling-oh-god-he's-insane thing...'
Aras: 'This is what separated me from Shane and Courtney. I worked the crazy once, for ten seconds, and it carried me for the whole game.'
Jeff: 'So you don't actually believe that stuff works?'
Aras: 'Of course it works. I got five votes, didn't I?'
Jeff: 'And have you actually learned something about yourself from all this?'
Aras: 'I've learned I'm the kind of guy who's smart enough to pay his taxes.'
Jeff: 'Right... Danielle, let's talk about your game. It was a careful game. It was a subtle game. It was, in fact, no game whatsoever. You reacted when people told you to react, you borrowed Lex's gut and the thing has not learned from experience, and frankly, you're at the point where you and your puffy shirt are starting to scare me. The only blessing from Aras' win is that we didn't have two know-nothing, do-nothing winners named Danielle two seasons in a row, which is a blessing for me because while I'll forget most of you people while the closing credits are still rolling, I have a contractual obligation to remember the winners, and how am I supposed to keep you and the stick straight?'
Danielle: 'There were other seasons before ours? Weird.'
Jeff: 'I'd ask what you took away from this experience, if anything, but I'm starting to think your answer would be --'
Danielle: 'Duh?'
Jeff: 'As Mark is my witness, I swear I never knew Bobby Jon had a sister.' *sighs* 'Okay. Once again, the cue card boy will not switch panels, so can you give me a reason you took Aras instead of Terry? Because I'm about ready to beat you to death with a piece of cardboard. I can do it as long as I aim for the head.'
Danielle (hastily): 'Because everyone loved Terry so much!'
Jeff: '...wait. That actually sounded sincere. Panicked, but sincere.'
Danielle: 'Everyone loves a winner! He won a lot, so everyone loved him! They loved him a lot more than they loved me!'
Jeff: 'I'm not sure I can argue that last point. In fact -- why not? Aras, pretend it's Danielle vs. Terry, and you're now on the jury. Jury, by a show of hands, how many of you vote for Danielle there?'

{Hands go up, and -- surprise! It's just BRUCE and CIRIE. TERRY, in what would have been the biggest shocker in series history, would have won 5-2.}

Jeff: 'Damn. Terry, you were that close to a million pre-tax bucks.'
Terry (sardonically): 'Thanks, Jeff.'
Jeff: 'No problem. So Danielle, you couldn't have beaten Terry, and you didn't beat Aras. You might have been the worst Final Two player ever. What do you have to say to that?'
Danielle: 'I -- you -- me -- um... I -- my bikini is on under my clothes?'
Jeff: 'And there went the last chance I had of sleeping this month. Commercials, please.'

{More commercials roll, none of which are remotely worth recapping, plus I've done how many words today without actually saying something significant before I drag advertising into it? When we come back, ClipCam plays some of CIRIE's greatest moments, most of which seem to involve screeching. CIRIE runs from leaves. CIRIE runs from fish. CIRIE secretly runs the game, at least for a little while. CIRIE does a lot of running, which might account for a bit of the weight loss and most of the screeching, although that was coming from the Internet audience back home.}

Jeff: 'Cirie, when we first saw you in casting, we said 'first boot' and then we cast you with exactly that in mind, because someone always has to go first and -- well, look at you. Come on. It's a miracle you got off the couch long enough to reach the casting call before the miniature black hole created by all the chips you've sat on over the years pulled you back. And what happened? You made Final Four. You screwed up the pacing plan for our whole season. Gee. Thank you from the bottom of my theoretical -- and in this case, rhetorical -- heart. What made you get up from that couch in the first place? What brought you to ruin Mark's greatest creation -- you know, once you take out the stupid island and the stupid mini-idol and he's behind me, isn't he?'
Mark: 'Yep.'

{The screen goes black for a few seconds. When the camera comes back online, Jeff is still there. The contestants are still there. The gallons of blood spilled on the stage, those are new, but everything else? Perfectly normal, thank you.}

Jeff (in obvious pain): 'I've got to learn to stop doing that... Cirie?'
Cirie: 'Oh, the couch? Well, it was the food! All that fabulous food on the Guatemala season! It's so much better than what I get at home! Once I saw how much Steph was enjoying herself --'
The Final Two, all jury members, plus Jeff, chorus: 'DON'T!'

{The building shakes. Several screams escape from backstage. There's a brief growling sound -- and then a single loud burp. And finally, silence.}

Terry: 'I will guarantee you we no longer have a post-reunion spread.'
Aras: 'I will guarantee you we no longer have a catering staff, either.'
Jeff: 'I don't get it. Nothing that big should be able to move that fast... which doesn't even come close to bringing us back to Cirie, but let's pretend it does. What was your goal out there?'
Cirie: 'Make someone else the first boot, then come back home and kill everyone I knew for not talking me out of this.'
Jeff: 'And I'm sure Tina's very thankful for your efforts. Are you going back to your couch now?'
Cirie: 'I'm not sure. Don't they use chairs on The View? I mean, now that Star Jones is gone, if they really want another powerful, opinionated, self-assured African-American woman who can actually smile once in a while and giggle without someone having died... after all, one former contestant already got on...'
Jeff: 'I know I'm not taking audience questions today, but I'll pick this one out of the air: no, none of these people understand the concept of 'a once in a lifetime event'.'
Cirie: 'But -- I made Final Four! I can do anything!'
Jeff: 'No, you can make your husband do everything. HB, stand up.' {HB stands.} 'How has your life changed for this experience?'
HB: 'Jeff, I get the living crap beaten out of me every day in my neighborhood by everyone from the fathers to the kids to the kids' pets, because I let my woman tell me what to do on national television, and a strong black man does not take orders from his wife. He gives them.'
Jeff: 'Wait a minute. Every strong black man caves in like a crying baby to his wife.' {Glances around at the confused looks on the faces of the contestants.} 'Well, they do! What, just because I only meet two black people a season, I can't watch UPN?'
HB: 'Well, yeah. Maybe we do. But not where people can see us!'
Jeff: 'Speaking of activities best left in private -- Shane, I don't want to get to you on you yet, but tell me what you think of Cirie.'
Shane: 'Jeff, this is the highest compliment I can pay: she orchestrated her own madness. She was out on Day Six, she knew it, I knew it, everyone knew it -- and somehow, much to my delusionment, it all went wrong from there. She is every woman sitting on a couch in America saying 'I could play this game.' You know what? You could. And better than me. Would you please take this medical drug pump off my arm now?'
Jeff: 'Not yet. So you think she could have won if the fire challenge had gone a little differently?'
Shane: 'Hell no. Cirie on those balance pads in that swimsuit? Can you imagine?'
Jeff: 'Yes, I can. And for some reason, it makes me feel all warm and tingly inside... I don't like it. Let's change the subject before it spreads. Bruce, how are your bowels?'
Bruce: 'Working fine. Want a demonstration? I can do it right here, right now! My plumbing is fixed and pumping!'
Jeff: 'We are now playing a game called 'Let's not steal any behavior from Dalton'. First person to win may actually live. But just out of curiosity, how much was backed up in there?'
Bruce: 'Twelve days' worth. I just couldn't bring myself to complain. I'm a complete idiot that way. But I'm good now! I'm ready to go again next season! I can --'
Jeff: 'Shutupshutupshutup!'
Bruce: 'But I was suspended without pay from my art teaching position because I came on the show! I'm back now because Cindy racked up a lot of negative publicity for her former employers, but I need to make up some of the lost money! Have you seen a teacher's salary report lately?'
Jeff: 'This may come as the biggest surprise in the universe, but no.'
Bruce: 'I had to pay for my own chipped tooth, you round-eyed cheapskate.'
Jeff: 'We'll pass the hat for you right after we finish paying for Danielle's mandatory upgrade. Terry, before we go to commercial again, I think you had something you wanted to show Cirie?'

{TERRY reaches into his bag and pulls out a cheap copy of the mini-idol, worth twenty-five cents in any pawnshop.}

Terry: 'I thought you might want to see what it looked like.' {CIRIE reaches out for the copy. TERRY snatches it back.} 'No touchie! No touchie!'
Jeff: 'Terry? Marry it. ClipCam? Roll the paid ones. When we come back, Shane will be off his meds. I'm looking forward to it, but mostly because after tonight, I'm calling shotgun on that drug pump.'

{More commercials, and sure enough, when we come back, SHANE's little auto-powered helper is history. It takes a few seconds for the continuous flow to work out of his system, so ClipCam shows some of SHANE's greatest moments first. The thinking rock. The Blackberry. The chafing. The poor traumatized owl, which I feel worse for than anyone on this show, ever. By the time that's all over:}

Jeff: 'Okay. Testing -- testing -- Shane, say something coherent.'
Shane: 'Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!'
Jeff: 'And we have liftoff. Tell me about the ciggies.'
Shane: 'The ciggies are God. I left God behind. God was mad at me. God wanted me to find a new God, which was water. Lots and lots of water. But I felt like I'd be betraying God with God, so God didn't like me any more. Oh, God...'
Jeff: 'Can I mention you went through AA?'
Shane: 'Coffee is my mini-God.'
Jeff: 'Can I mention that we can all tell you're balding, and having hair six feet long isn't hiding a thing?'
Shane: 'KILL! KILL YOU!'

{Sixteen tranquilizer darts hit SHANE.}

Jeff: 'You know, I, of all people, should have known better than to go there.'
Shane: 'There? Where is there? Is here there? Is life fire? Is fire life?'
Jeff (impressed): 'Wow. Nice dosing.'
Mark (offstage): 'Yeah, two more hits and he could host.'
Shane: 'I'm burying myself as we speak...'
Jeff (gives the darkness in the wings a very brief dirty look): 'I've tried that. It's not as much fun as it sounds.'
Shane: 'Went too far... had to use Fairplay road -- had to be so unlikable that everyone would take me to Final Two -- but they saw through me -- just Shane being Shane -- just the lack of coffee and nicotine and alcohol and brain matter talking...'
Jeff: 'Normally I'd kill you for invoking that, but you don't know what you're saying right now and insanity defenses are kind of chancy when you apply them to the victim. But as long as we've got you in this middle state, clear up one last thing: does Boston have a mother, or did you break every genetic engineering law on the books?'
Shane: 'Out in audience... Bird... precious bird...'
Courtney: 'Don't step on my gimmick, love of my life.'
Jeff: 'No, he's pointing at a woman sitting next to Boston -- hey, you! Is your name Bird? Seriously? This is starting to explain more than I ever wanted to know. Well, Boston has two parents. Who would have thought? But this is Mother's Day -- and that brings us to Tina.'

{A long, awkward silence.}

Jeff: 'All right, masks off. Did any good at all come from your being on the show?'
Tina: 'I got a lot of E-mails from people who had sympathy for my loss, and one of them was from the other people involved in the accident. We talk now. It helps. But every day is a struggle. It'll be a struggle for a long time -- and even when it doesn't ache to the bone any more, it'll still hurt. Just enough to let me know it's there. No parent should ever outlive their child.'
Jeff: 'Is there anything we can do?'
Tina: 'Talking's good enough. And can I mention I have my own TV show up in Maine? It's a lumberjill thing.'
Jeff: 'Yeah, I'll let you get that one in. You do realize this is more time than we've ever given to a first boot?'
Tina: 'It's not the record I wanted.'
Jeff (softly): 'Want another shot?'
Tina: 'Maybe someday. Not now.'
Jeff: 'Okay. Commercials, and then we'll start wrapping this thing up. Masks on.'

{Pointless attempts to promote mindless consumerism at a time when half the country can't afford to drive to the store follow, and when we come back, if it's Sunday night and we're running low on show, then now is the time on Survivor when we blow through the rest of the contestants! I thought it would never come! And it still hasn't come, because ClipCam wastes precious seconds with footage from Exile Island. Guess what? It's still pointless.}

Jeff: 'So, Austin. How did you enjoy your stay?'
Austin (exact quote): 'I was waiting for God's audible voice to say "Grab some snakes and iguanas, two-by-two, because the flood's coming."'
Jeff: 'Admittedly, I'd kind of like to see the place during dry season myself. I was getting sick of spraying all the layers of Teflon on my skin every six hours. Did you get anything else from the island besides a next-day boot?'
Austin: 'I prayed for the rain to stop for forty-eight hours straight, and then it did. Go, Christianity!'
Jeff: 'Dan, you've been in space.' {ClipCam shows rare footage of Dan on the shuttle. Look, ma, no gravity!} 'You have been closer to the sun than the incredibly vast majority of the six billion people alive on this planet. Why don't you tan?'
Dan: 'Hey, it's Dan Fuego, not Dan Taupe. By the way, as long as you're issuing open invitations for next season -- since I showed I can have a good time in any environment --'
Jeff: 'Actually, we are working on this long-term project called Survivor: the Moon...'
Dan: 'I'll sign up for it!'
Jeff: 'Be patient. We haven't figured out how to blow it out of orbit and turn it into a giant traveling spaceship yet. Courtney --'
Courtney (exact quote): 'It was a beautiful reflection into life --'
Jeff: '-- you talk, you die.' {COURTNEY shuts up.} 'Sally, your parents are such religious fanatics that they threw you out of their lives because you got a divorce. Did being on the show bring them back to you, because it's so socially acceptable to be a DAW these days?'
Sally: 'I forget to spend the entire series using every waking moment to talk about how Jesus wanted me and only me to win, so -- no. I did, however, learn how to tell them to go screw themselves.'
Jeff: 'And that's a vital skill in any walk of life. Okay, we're almost out of time and I still have to introduce the next season, so let's make it simple. Everyone left, tell me the one thing people misunderstand about you from your appearance on the show.'
Nick: 'People seem to think I was on the show. I don't know why. Can I go back to the ticket booth now?'
Bobby: 'Most of my christenings are done using two pounds or less. Anything beyond that is a special occasion.'
Misty: 'If you get enough bug bites, you can cover them up with cool tattoo patterns and get even more modeling work, even if it is kind of specialized...'
Ruth-Marie: 'I don't understand this. When do I get the deed to the ranch?'
Melinda: 'Get me down!'
Jeff: 'Wait! I almost forgot something! That stupid online vote! Terry became the latest victim of the car curse and after we had to give away four excess vehicles last season, we couldn't line up a sponsor for Aras, but we still somehow wound up with one extra car, and America has used the Internet to give that car to -- Cirie! Congratulations, Cirie! At the current price of gas in your state, your fourth-place money should be just enough to drive the thing home. I have the keys somewhere --'
Cindy: 'My car! Mine! Mine-mine-mine! Car-car-car! Cars home! Cars good! No one touch cars!'

{CINDY shoots out of the audience and grabs the keys from JEFF's hand just as CIRIE reaches out for them. CIRIE quickly switches focus and moves to beating the crap out of CINDY. CINDY, for her part, swings at everything in sight and makes honking noises. SHANE, who's either inspired by this or at the high point on his cycle, starts to do his best motorcycle imitation. TERRY, who has to top everyone at everything, does a credible fighter jet.}

Jeff: 'Can we wrap up just one season without a brawl? Look, I have to read one more -- will you two please -- wow. Are we filming that? We are? Well, save it for the DVD! This is my moment! I have to tell them all about the Cook Islands! It's a new location for us! It's warm! It's exotic and isolated! It's where Captain James Cook forced a bunch of people to accept his name for their home! Did you know William Bligh stopped there just before the mutiny? Can you guess what we're going to use as an excuse for our new theme? Survivors and mutiny: now there's a natural combination... We've got sharks! We've got giant clams! We've got island girls! And we've got Exile Island, and I swear, this time, we're going to make it work if we have to make everyone glow in the dark! Come back this fall, when sixteen new hopelessly futile examples of near-humanity and I will try to narrow things down to one person who doesn't deserve a million pre-tax dollars on Survivor: The Cook Islands -- OW! Cindy, that is not a gear shift!'

{And darkness descends on the stage. Blessed, merciful darkness.}

{Time until Aras tries to declare himself as a tax-exempt yoga-based religion: twelve hours and counting. G'night, everybody!}
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Jeff: 'We're done?'
{Just here.}
Jeff: 'You're still going to -- borrow me?'
{Only for the summer.}
Jeff: 'Are you going to ever tell me what you're "borrowing" me for?'
{You'll see...}
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{Special thanks to non-poster (and non-watcher) Phlarg Shubarg for the radioactive mini-idol idea. Oh, if only...}

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