The Mole 2 - Episode 7 Summary

'Gnome On The Range or It's All In the Execution' By Survivorerist

Anderson: Don't touch the bike, don't touch the bike, don't touch the bike.
Heather: That must be secret code for let's touch the bike.
Anderson: Idiot!
And, for some reason, that's all I really remember.

Tangent: The reason being because I was laughing my ass off at this point and wasn't paying attention to the rest of the recap.

Cue the credits!

The show starts with those spooky confessionals/ripoffs of The Blair Witch Project. I'll just plug in my moleron-english translator here. Let's see what they've got to say.

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Bill: This thing has so many levels of complexity that it sort of defies the imagination.
Translation: This takes intelligence? Oh s***, we're screwed.

Elavia: It kinda blows your mind that one of them is a freaky, stinky, liar and out to sabotage.
Translation: It only took me 22 days to figure out how this game works.

Katie: I wish there was a way that we could play this game where nobody had to go home.
Translation: Look at me, I'm Gabriel Cade!

The next little snippet shows some of the contestants talking about who they think is the mole. Darwin, who is obviously named that because he's the evolutionary missing link, accuses Dorothy and Elavia of being the mole. Dorothy attempts to mock Darwin with a crybaby display but ends up looking like a complete loser/idiot. Elavia sits back and lets the other two dimwits fight it out. I'd mock her, but I'm convinced that she's finally decided to use a little thing called strategy and I don't want to ruin her high.

Day 22 - Lucca, Italy

The group walks in for breakfast, revealing what Anderson (aka AndyCoo) refers to as "a surprise." It turns out that it's a gnome in a cup with a message from the mole saying "I will break you." Conclusion: Anderson doesn't get out much. He then tells the contestants that he will need 3 people who have a thing for gnomes and 5 people who like Gladiator. Not surprisingly, Bribs volunteers for the second choice, because it's, well gosh, the most funnest boyhood dream in the whole wide world! Well hold on a minute there Tiger, because Anderson is takin' the gnome lovers first.

Game #1: Gnomeward Bound
Contestants: Heather, Bill and Elavia

Tangent: Before this even starts, I'd like to nominate Gnomeward Bound as being the game with the most sexual innuendo attached to it...ever. You'll see what I mean shortly.

This challenge is simple. Each contestant will have to run a leg in a relay race. If they can do it in under 30 minutes without breaking the gnome, then $30,000. Otherwise, tough luck. But there's a Shocking New Twist! (and you thought only good reality shows had those ). The "baton" they'll be using is one of two gnomes "greased" in a mysterious white liquid. Yeah AndyCoo, it's lard. We believe you. The racers decide to take the bigger gnome (because size matters) and they're off!

Heather starts off by greasing up her gnome and getting the gooey white stuff all over her hands. Something tells me Heather spent a good amount of time greasing up a few gnomes in college herself ifyaknowwhatImean. That might explain the lack of English skills in the following confessional. Repeat after me, Heather. Slip-per-y. But Heather gets the job done, getting her picture taken under a lion statue and giving the 18-34 male demographic a treat by letting the liquid, which has now become a thick film, run down her leg and then greasing up the gnome yet again for Bill.

Tangent: I watched this part 23 times...uhhhh...for research.

In Bill's leg, he has to kick his balls past a female soccer goalie and score (I think I'll leave that one alone). Then he gets on a bike (no Heather, you cannot touch it), places the gnome in the basket, and begins to navigate what looks like the BMX Seniors Tour obstacle course.

Tangent: I nominate Heather touches the bike as the running gag of The Mole 2.

To sum up this leg of the race, it's time to play a game of Good News-Bad News!

Good News: Bill can handle the difficulty of a simple pylon course.
Bad News: Bill cannot handle the difficulty of an 8-inch high ramp.
Good News: The bike basket falls off, but the gnome remains intact...
Bad News: ...until Bill decides to plow into it with the bike.
Good News: Bill finds an exemption inside the broken gnome.
Bad News: Anderson tells the players they have lost the game.
Good News: Heather bear hugs Elavia from behind, getting the white goo all over her. The entire 18-34 male demographic makes an unscheduled bathroom break.

Overall, no money but still a happy ending to this challenge.

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