Survivor: All Stars - Episode 3 Summary

'Sometimes, They Leave' By idiotcowboy

Previously, on Survivor...

• The conditions continue to deteriorate as the survivors continue to suffer through dehydration, sleep deprivation, and uncomfortable bouts of full frontal nudity.

• At the reward challenge Rudy suffers compound fractures to both his legs, but later proclaims that he's “had worse”. Despite Rudy’s problems, Ethan, swimming for his life, single-handedly wins the reward for his ungrateful tribe mates, only to see the reward, a bic lighter shoved up each of their asses, will be shared amongst all tribes.

• After the challenge the Dicque Dicque Tribe (where everyone has one, wants one, or is one) reels with the news that past winners who are older, flabbier, and a million dollars richer than the rest of the cast might actually be TARGETS... OMG... OMG...

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• At the immunity challenge, Jenna Lewis manages to once again sabotage her tribe’s early lead, only to then blame it on someone else.

• Leading to Rudy and his parting comments. “Those bitches better stay away from me.”

< cue Survivor theme song and opening credits followed by this snippet before we cut to a word from our sponsors >

Day – 6 post Tribal Council

Rupert in confessional, “that was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Rudy was like my brother, you know the one that always picked on me when I wore the dress around the house...”

Ethan in confessional, “whoa that was close, good thing I didn’t write my own name down like I had planned! Well, maybe next week”

Cut to the Loser Lodge, lit completely with candles, Barry White singing softly in the background as we see Extreme Makeover Tina dressed in a low cut sleek and revealing black dress open the door to let limping Rudy in.

“Where’s Ethan?” she asks annoyed.

“I dunno,” sniffing, “something burnin?”

“Well...” looking him over.

Cut to commercial for Levitra, from the back we see Rudy and Tina holding hands in separate tubs looking over the sunrise with the caption “Will you be ready?” superimposed at the bottom, as the voiceover disclaimer drones on about 4 hour erections being uncommon... well, duh!

Note to self, commercial tie-in’s are going too far, hope we don’t get any more this episode

Oh great now we got a commercial for bug spray where several unfortunate saps show off the horrors of the backyard bar-b-que’s without the protective power of... hey wait a minute, that not a commercial, it’s the Dicque Dicque Tribe, and they’re showing off whelps the size of Big Tom’s third eye on each cast member and all their exposed members. Eww, eww, eww, glad I ate already, but damn if I don’t feel all itchy.

Oh well, at least now we know why Rupert looked like hell at the S7 reunion! Speaking of Rupert is he still on the show? Oh wait there he is, they must have switched to the Bitch Tribe (where everyone has one, wants one, or is one) while I was scratching.

“We felt bad about kicking Rudy and his broken leg off, but we need to keep Ethan for his strength” Rupert says. Pausing and smirking, he adds “and so I can make fun of his fishing attempts.” <belly laugh>.

In the distance we hear Jenna and Jerri giggling, from the lean-to. Jenna, sporting the latest in fashion from La Chambre D'oiseau, comments, “I love the way this tribe is set.”

Jerri, “yes, I particularly like the cabana boy.”

“I guess, but don’t take him home”, Jenna shrugging, “he makes a mess”

Cabana boy walking up, “is there anything else I can do for either of you, before I go and try to break Rupert spear in yet another failed attempt at fishing?”

Jenna and Jerri in snickering, “nah, we're good”

Panning back to Rupert still talking, “After all I am the God of all Survivor fishermen,” holding up a small tropical guppy, “and the rest of these poor pathetic creatures are wasting their time as there has never has been a match for me, Bwaahaahaa”

Meanwhile, on the subject of fishing, and mixed with a healthy dose of Mark Burnett irony, it’s time to check back with The Dicque of the Dicque Dicque’s, in confessional.

“So, I was out for my morning swim, with my spear unsheathed, dreaming of a Colby-Lex sandwich, and looking to get lucky when I saw this amazing Ray, or I think that was his name. Bleah. He swam too fast anyway, but as I was resting I found quiet possibly the dumbest animal on the island, other than Shii Ann of course.”

Cut between shots of blurry Dicque, covered Dicque, and a small shark... with lots of teeth.

“Well, since I figured we can’t eat Shii Ann and since Colby and Lex aren’t much use other than eye candy, then I might as well see about doing the whole provider gig again. After all it worked out ok the last time. So I grabbed the shark with my bare hands and wrestled with his slick smooth flesh, until he turned and bit me… God did that ever bring back memories.”

Where we are again treated to more action shots of Dicque than you would see in an uncut porno Brian Heidik flick, which just goes to show you the casting peeps did know what the hell they were doing not casting both of them, eh.

“Finally I had him where I wanted him. While he has his teeth deeply sunk into me I swam back to shore and beat his head in on a rock, which just about fulfilled all my fantasies in one day.”

At which point we get to see The Dicque bring in his trophy and the rest of the Dicque Dicque’s getting down on their hands and knees and worshiping him. About the time a prostrate Colby proclaims The Dicque as his “Stud”, we are mercifully given a much overdue commercial break.

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