Survivor: The Amazon - Episode 6 Summary

'Shockin...' By TeamJoisey

With JoAnna gone, Queena Deena declares she is “alpha female, top dog.” Shawna feels trapped and depressed, Deena wants her to “Buck up and play with the rest of us.” Youngest members Dave and Jenna meet, where Jenna divulges every last scrap of info, including what’s in the dark places. They chose new tribes, which thrills Jeanne and irritates Rob. A jolt of Alex awakens Shawna, who thrusts her butt in the air and writhes expectantly. Deena observes that Shawna may not be interested in the “chick thing” anymore, and we are once again wondering just how much the “chick thing” interests Deena. The NuRu tribe wins immunity, so the NuQui chicks draw sticks to decide Butch’s demise. Of course, Heidious can’t be trusted, and she joins with the dudes to oust Gene.

Warning: Previews for Episode 6 were better than this actual episode. But many of you didn’t see it thanks to Dubya, so I’ve detailed every defining moment right here.

Tambaqui returns from TC, and Christy’s eyes are bulging like Magic 8 Balls. She wants to know why Gene was booted. She’s not mad at Heidious, apparently accepting that she’s a backstabbing hellspawn, but darnit, she wants answers. Roger tells her that Gene was really Butch, and she, Christy, brings enthusiasm and determination to this one strong unified team.

Christy buys this crap, but Dave is wondering what other tales Roger might be spinning. In confession, RocketBoy says he voted for Gene because vapid clothes hanger Jenna said the young cute chicks hated her guts for being old. Heidious tells the group she committed Geneicide because she couldn’t bear to split the tribe 3-3. A real team player, Heidious is.

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The next morning, Roger takes the boys fishing, and assigns Heidi and Christy to build a new latrine. “This is a load of crap,” says Heidi. She’s frustrated and whiny, but all I can do is stare at the repulsive stretch marks on her chest. If she loses any more weight her skin’s gonna rip open and reveal her own surgically-inserted Magic 8 Balls.

Meanwhile the Jabarubes are getting to know each other by sharing the same toothbrush, even after Matt admits he’s had manioc in his molars for the past 16 days. He’s feeling good about the new tribe, confessing his head was on the chopping block in the old group. Foreshadowing, anyone?

Rob brushes his teeth like he was detailing his car, and then asks if anyone wants to make out with him. The girls won’t, which Rob finds “surprising,” but Alex will, right after he brushes his own teeth.

Soon we see Alex grinning like a fool, saying “This is awesome. The best thing that’s happened to me in 16 days.” He’s orgasmic, and he’s only being shot from the chest up, leading me to wonder where Shawna is right now.

Well thanks, MB. Cut to a shot of Deena and Shawna watching Alex brush his teeth. Um, Deena is watching Alex brush his teeth. Shawna is intently staring at his crotch and gently rocking back and forth on a small log.

Queena Deena confesses the she was rattled by the switch and thought she’d be a target, but now she adores the guys. Matt tells Queena he didn’t like the other tribe because people were planning to win the game, while over here at Jabaru life is like the breath of fresh air whistling through Jenna’s head. Deena tells her girls are different. Exhibit A: Rob stares intently as Jenna removes her shirt. Exhibit B: Shawna is again fixated by Alex’s crotch. (Production gufu: Jenna takes off her shirt... and in the next shot she still has it on.)

In a blast of refreshing idiocy, Matt tells the viewers that “everyone in the group appears to be genuine. Of course, appearances can be deceiving.” This is the moment for him to rip off his face and reveal he’s a mis-programmed Terminator robot, but the moment passes. He must be genuine. (A genuine moron.)

Shawna and Alex are pawing each other once again. She’s got her head in his pelvis, and Jenna feels like she’s watching from the front seat at a drive-in movie. Alex confesses there is flirting in the air, and they switch positions so Shawna can pick larvae off his scalp. Shawna talks about how wonderful Alex is, how they enjoy talking to each other how they want to get to know each other and wonder if it will evolve and he’s an incredible person and he’s seen her at her worst and
SHUT UP YOU LUBRICIOUS HO!!!
Alex only wants to grip your JiffyScrub head and make you his supplicant love beast!
And you hussy, you quiver in anticipation!
Just don’t screw it up by talking.


The orgy is interrupted by tree mail:

....
Shawna’s ready to rut like a dog,
Matthew’s lost in a “genuine” fog,
Rob’s eyein’ the space
in Jenna’s dark place,
And all of them must ride our log.
....

Teams arrive for the reward challenge; winners will take a leek and other such spices. And some fruit. This involves rolling each other off a log that is spinning over a mud puddle. Mud puddle = mud wrasslin’ babes = coed baths later. Pitiful how blatant this has become.

Deena, by virtue of her being wider than the log, will sit this out. Teams need to win five matches.

First up, Matt beats Roger.
Shawna knocks Heidi down in a few seconds, and never gets wet. (Well, not from the mud puddle.) Rob and Alex and Matt cheer her, Jenna grudgingly applauds.
Alex and Dave run the longest match, and both fall, but Alex hits the water an instant before Dave. Butch beats Rob, and it’s tied 2-2.
Christy sends Jenna splashing instantly.
Alex defeats Roger, nearly cracking his head on the platform.
Shawna once again makes Heidious look ridiculous. Butch beats Matt to tie it up.

Christy is thrilled to face Jenna in the final match... Jenna looks terrified... and Christy knocks her off in seconds... NuQui wins reward challenge.


The Jababoobies go sulking back to camp, and Alex suggests they all get wet and rub each other. Rob says, “I’m up for that!” and off they go to the swimmin’ hole for a ritual Deena dubs “monkey grooming.” Jenna stands in the center of the pond sponging between her breasts, followed by this voice over: “If the bikini helps me get farther in the game, then whatever, I’m game for that. I’m sure it’s good eye candy for them.”

We thought Heidi was ghastly, but now we are treated to Rob stretching out in a Speedo. He’s the goon in The Blue Lagoon. And he proudly announces, twice, that he took a bath with a swimsuit model. Will his masturbatory fantasies include the fact that they both were dressed?

Over at Tambaqui, Heidi is squeezing the new melons.
Using gym teacher logic, she explains to Christy how the challenge victory was a great team effort. She fails to mention that she lost both her matches, or that Christy won twice.
Christy is thrilled that she beat the hated Jenna, and Butch describes Christy’s smile and new confidence as one of the 1,612 defining moments in this episode. Christy is overwhelmed, and realizes that she has found her SugarPappy, who will bond with her until they see a purple rock.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

We cut to the laundry puddle, where smarmy Rob is workin’ his magic on Deena, who literally has her panties in a twist. He’s unhappy in his alliance with Alex, who could have stayed at the Belly bar if he wanted to meet trollops. Deena proudly announces that she’s had Heidi and Jenna.

They debate voting out Shawna or Alex or Matt. Deena asks Rob if he wants to hook up with a bunch of chicks, and the alliance is struck. Rob would love to oust Matt, who does nothing but provide all the food. Deena convinces him they will need him around, and Rob turns his attention to forming a false alliance with Matteo.

Cue the shot of the spider and the fly...
Rob is chumming it up with Skull, suggesting that when the tribes merge they feign loyalty to the other men, just to divert their votes. Matt thinks this is “a genuine attempt to build a better relationship.”

Rob says: “This guy is a complete idiot... when he stops catching fish, or doing what he’s told, he’s out.”
Survivor junkie Rob thinks he’s the RobFadda,
when he’s really just Fredo.

Later that evening, they rachet up the flirting with Shawna’s Dating Game. Each of the guys tries to outdo each other in describing a perfect date. Oddly, none of them end with Shawna left behind tied to the bed in a sleazy Route 66 motel room.

Day 17... didn’t exist.

Day 18 begins, and the sluttish sloths of Jabaru are once again lying around camp. Matt slides over and presses his massive skull into Shawna's groin, and she half-heartedly pokes through his hair while Alex fumes. Deena’s also fuming, and wants to throw a bucket of water on the sex fiends. Anyone who finds true love “is a threat to her.”

It’s time for an immunity challenge, and another stupid poem. This one’s written on a bone bigger than anything Rob is packin’. It’s even bigger than the one he describes in his letters to Penthouse.

....
Feeding Frenzy
Who’s more voracious?
What’s voracious mean?
I think it means “cute.”
Stay three more days.
....

Maybe that one was Maya Angelou, but I didn’t get it.

It’s “More Than Meats The Eye”, a challenge involving a barbecued cow hanging on a hook, and Amazon handcuffs.

These people haven’t eaten red meat in three weeks, but this challenge involves biting the meat from this Flintstones drumstick, and then spitting it out! The team that spits the most meat in the basket wins immunity.
Under the “I-already-upchuck-for-a-living” clause in her contract, Jenna is obliged to sit out.

Let the gnawing begin!

The slab of beef begins to spin wildly, but Shawna quickly steps in to steady it. Can I point out that she looked awfully content nuzzling that big bone on her cheek?

Each team does their little piranha dance, ripping off chunks large and small. Some pieces get stuck in their mouths, and teammates are obliged to pull them out. This gives Heidi the opportunity to french kiss Roger (oops... freedom kiss). It’s all revolting, and the Probster just laughs, saying they’ll all need dental floss tonight.

When the time elapses, they all stop, allowing Jabaru’s 200-pound T-bone to swing free and bash Deena in the head. It fails to knock any sense into her, for she’s still on the show.

Jabaru’s basket weighs in at just under 9 kilograms (about Jenna’s weight), while Tambaqui weighs in just over 9 kilograms, roughly equivalent to Heidi’s implants.

Tambaqui celebrates their victory with some sign language. Or an epileptic seizure. You decide.

We go back to Camp Jamba-rude, where the best strategy is to tell everyone exactly how you will vote, exactly how you will win the game, and the combination to your high school locker. Deena says she wants to stay. Shawna says she wants to stay, but wants Deena and Jenna to stay longer. She puts her head is on the chopping block.

This prompts Alex to tell her she’s done a “complete turnaround,” and she’s “awesome.” Shawna’s so touched she’s gonna cry. Rob and Deena are sharpening knives. Jenna doesn’t know what to do. (She’s not allowed to touch knives.)

Alex tries this trick... “The most likely choice is me or Matt. (Who me?, says Matt’s face.) And nothing personal, but Matt I’m voting for you.”

Matt promises to vote for Alex, so Shawna drives it further and announces she’s voting for Matt! And Rob is perplexed. He’s “been putting a lot of energy into talking to this guy, which is exhausting... and now that I have him eating out of the palm of my hand they’re gonna vote him off!” Rob breaks the tension, by announcing that the people he wants to vote off are all on the other tribe.

Tribal Council

The Jabarookies arrive at the Temple of Doom.
Jeff points out the “weird vibe.”
Shawna describes the situation as a “total bummer.”
Jeff asks if Alex and Shawna are doin it yet.
“Totally,” says Alex. “She’s awesome.”
(Pass the mushrooms, dood.)
Deena calls the camp “Love Shack” because of all the positive energy.
Matt talks about relishing the role of provider, which causes Rob to cringe and stifle a laugh, drawing a smile from Jenna.
Jeff points out that Rob is always good for a laugh, and Rob admits he is a complete imbecile.

Shawna prattles on about how the men have given her an “infusion of energy” and tells Jeff she’s “glowing these days.”
She tells Jeff she’s in the this game for the “long haul.” The look on Deena’s face reveals that “long haul” won’t last until the commercial break.

The voting begins and Rob hold up a vote for Shawna and announces she’s “one of the nicest people he’s ever met, and a really terrible Survivor player.”

Alex votes for Matt, as promised, saying he is a threat. (Must be the magnificent skull.)

Jeff counts the votes out, making sure he randomly retrieves them in alternating order, a futile attempt to create suspense where there is none.

Shawna, Matt, Shawna, Matt, Shawna... Shawna.

Chill One’s source needs a better interpreter.

And so Sideshow Shawna, with her curls in the wind, wanders away in the dark exhausted after six days of nonstop copulation.

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR:

Get the key! Open the box! Clear out of camp!
Stand on the pillar in the water, show off your new red buffs, you merged tribe!
Wait, what’s this?
The Heidious One has removed her top! And CBS has reversed all that expensive surgery!!
And Jenna says: “Heidi, wanna take your pants down?”
(Rob starts scribbling... Dear Penthouse, It all began in the Amazon...)
Butch: “Oh my, I’m not gonna look!”
Alex: “Oh, I’m looking, are you kidding me!!” (Shawna who?)
Jenna is revealed standing on her pillar, shorts around her shins, twirling her bikini top! Heidious is wriggling out of her shorts!!

NAKED AMAZON WOMEN!!!!

But how can they do “Girls Gone Gene Wilder” without Shawna’s hair???

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